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    The progressive nj divorce lawyer

     

    As NJ divorce attorneys, we are trained to be advocates in the process known as "adversarial. Many of us self-selected into the legal profession partly because our underlying personality and temperament traits are geared toward advocacy. Similarly, lawyers "the good ones" are typically quite inquisitive. Their questioning techniques, however, often take on the tone of cross-examination. We can all stand to improve the way we practice the non-adversarial, settlement-oriented part of our profession by paying attention to the way we employ the principles of advocacy and inquiry. Advocacy is stating one’s views. Examples of advocacy include: sharing how you’re feeling; describing what you’re thinking; stating a judgment; pushing for a particular course of action, decision or outcome; and making demands. Inquiry is asking a genuine question. By asking real questions, information is truly sought. Rhetorical or leading questions are a kind of advocacy in disguise. We’ve all observed journalists and other questioners with not-so-hidden agendas pose inquiries such as, "Isn’t it true that your administration’s domestic fiscal policy has done a disservice to the elderly?" Another loaded style of pseudo question-asking might go something like, "Some people (not me, of course) might say that you handled yourself rather poorly in the first two debates. How would you respond to such criticism?" In any discussion or conference we are engaged in, we can be high or low on advocacy. The same can be said for inquiry. Regardless of whether our advocacy and inquiry levels are high or low at a given instance, we can come across positively or negatively, depending upon our style, intent and often habit. For instance, if we are operating from a high advocacy, low inquiry perspective, we come across quite positively if we are truly explaining our point of view. Cramming our viewpoint down the other party’s throat, conversely, is a destructive tendency. It should be mentioned that high advocacy/low inquiry results in one way communication, even if both people are engaged in it. It can be useful for giving information, but doesn't enhance understanding of diverse perspectives or build commitment to a specific course of action. Advocacy that imposes the proponent’s views on others usually creates either compliance or resistance. On the other hand, If we are geared up in the inquiry department, but toning down the advocacy, we can conduct meaningful, non-threatening information gathering interviews, or we can find ourselves falling into interrogation mode; a natural tendency for many NJ divorce lawyers. High inquiry/low advocacy results in one way communication in a different sense in that the inquirer refrains from stating his or her views or beliefs. While it can be quite useful for finding out information, it can create difficulties when the inquirer has a hidden agenda, or is really using the questioning process as a device to get the other person to "discover" what the inquirer already thinks is right, or both. There are certainly times when keeping both advocacy and inquiry levels to minimum is the way to proceed. This is what we’re doing well when we are observing or listening attentively. The flip side in this realm is withdrawal. We’ve all observed this in four-way settlement conferences when a sore topic is being discussed, with one spouse preaching from the soapbox while the other checks out mentally and glazes over. Low inquiry/low advocacy also flows in one direction: Participants watch, but contribute relatively little. This approach is ideally employed when being a tacit observer is useful, but it can create difficulties when participants withhold their views on key issues. Finally, in the context of energetic sessions when we are high in both advocacy and inquiry departments, mutual learning or appreciation of each other’s viewpoints is the objective. High advocacy/high inquiry fosters two way communication and learning. I state my views and I inquire into yours; I invite you to state your views and inquire into mine. We must be careful, particularly in the context of settlement talks, not to over-work the process. When excessive communications generate too much information density, participants become worn-out, irritable and confused or overwhelmed. Positive energy is a great thing, but it’s also important to keep dialogues down to a manageable pace. Participants need time for things to sink-in. Managing the pace of high advocacy, high inquiry discussion is also indispensable when taking into account the differences between introverted and extraverted (not a spelling error, but rather the Jungian term) personality types. While extraverts often relish high pace, high energy dialogue, introverts often find them quite distracting, if not frankly annoying. Balancing advocacy with inquiry is necessary. Taken alone, however, the balancing process is not enough to promote a positive meeting of the minds. In order for this to occur, the quality of advocacy and inquiry is also vital. For example, "That’s a really moronic comment. How long did it take you to come up with that one?" is both a statement and a question, but it doesn’t encourage negotiated problem solving. Ideally, our use of advocacy should involve providing information to others and explaining exactly how we moved from observing or collecting this information to our view of the situationpetent use of inquiry entails honestly seeking others’ views, probing how they arrived at them, and encouraging them to challenge our perspective. Balancing high quality advocacy with high quality inquiry makes significant breakthroughs possible. A DOZEN PRACTICE TIPS If we assume that we are obviously right and that our job is to get others to realize what we already know, we will be unable to promote either agreement on a specific issue or ultimate settlement. Accordingly, we are well advised to: 1) Assume from the onset that we may be missing things that others see, and seeing things that others miss. If we begin with this assumption, the result is that we will listen more intelligently and inquire more genuinely without downplaying our own views. 2) Assume that others are acting in ways that make sense to them and that they are motivated to act with integrity. (This advice applies, regardless of whether you believe another to be Demon Seed or the reincarnation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.) 3) Attempt to understand what leads to behavior that we find problematic. Are others caught-up in dilemmas? Are we contributing to any problems? 4) Help others to understand or appreciate our viewpoints and how we think about them by giving examples of the underlying data we select. Go on to state the meaning that we find in the examples, and explaining the steps in our thinking to others. 5) Describe our understanding of the other’s reasoning. 6) If we notice negative consequences to what others may be doing, identify the consequences without attributing any intent on their part to create those consequences. Distinguish between intent and impact; between motive and outcome. 7) When choosing to disclose our emotions, we must endeavor to do so without implying that the other person is primarily responsible for creating our emotional reactions. Remember also Eleanor Roosevelt’s observation that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission. 8) Find out how others see the situation by asking them to give examples of the information they selected from which they necessarily drew the inferences which lead to their conclusions. Ask them to explain the steps in their thinking. 9) Ask for help in finding out what we may be missing by encouraging others to identify possible gaps or errors in our thinking. 10) When we have difficulty with how others are acting, ask them to explain what has prompted them to act as they have done, in a tone that suggests they may have a reasonable answer. 11) Inquire into others’ feelings and emotions, but don’t ask, "What’s your problem?" or "Why do you get so worked up?" Say, instead, "You appear to be sad about something, am I right? Do you feel comfortable talking about it?" 12) Ask for help in exploring whether we are unknowingly contributing to the problem. Quite often, well-intended action on our part is problematic for others. These tips have been extraordinarily helpful to many, both in their work and private lives. I hope that you will find them helpful.

         
    The three forms of closure

     

    For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination. Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure. Conceptual Closure This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid herself of cumulating resentment. He also disabuses her of the notion that she, in any way, was guilty or responsible for her maltreatment, that it was all her fault, that she deserved to be punished, and that she could have saved the relationship (malignant optimism). With this burden gone, the victim is ready to resume her life and to seek companionship and love elsewhere. Retributive Closure When the abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic), repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic to the abused. Regrettably, the victim's understandable emotions often lead to abusive (and illegal) acts. Many of the tormented stalk their erstwhile abusers and take the law into their own hands. Abuse tends to breed abuse all around, in both prey and predator. Dissociative Closure Absent the other two forms of closure, victims of egregious and prolonged mistreatment tend to repress their painful memories. In extremis, they dissociate. The Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - formerly known as "Multiple Personality Disorder" - is thought to be such a reaction. The harrowing experiences are "sliced off", tucked away, and attributed to "another personality". Sometimes, the victim "assimilates" his or her tormentor, and even openly and consciously identifies with him. This is the narcissistic defence. In his own anguished mind, the victim becomes omnipotent and, therefore, invulnerable. He or she develops a False Self. The True Self is, thus, shielded from further harm and injury. According to psychodynamic theories of psychopathology, repressed content rendered unconscious is the cause of all manner of mental health disorders. The victim thus pays a hefty price for avoiding and evading his or her predicament.

         
    The truth about lawyers

     

    : During the matter of my divorce (that's lawyer talk - it's always the matter of this and the matter of that), I spent about $30,000 on three different attorneys in an extremely frustrating effort just to be able to see my own children. As each lawyer failed to obtain one single worthwhile benefit for me, I fired them and hired another one. I couldn't help but notice that I was never allowed to speak directly to the judge and I felt that these people were not saying what I wanted them to say as well as I could. So in the end I fired them all and decided to represent myself in court In Propria Persona (as my own attorney). It was then that I learned the most important lesson of all:

    The Name of the Game in court is: DON'T PISS OFF THE JUDGE!
    The hard truth of the matter is that attorneys have to work with the judges and with the other attorneys every day. A client is just a client and when the case is over, it's over and they need to get on with the next one. It's really all about careers and about relationships, and the attorneys' daily business relationships are with other attorneys. They have ethical guidelines which compel them to show respect even if they don't like each other. But when it comes to the judges it's not a matter of like or dislike. The judges are little gods and the reality is that they have huge case loads which just get larger no matter what they do, and the attorneys understand that the way to help the judges is to move the cases through court as quickly as possible. Help a judge do that and you're on their good side. Take too long with one particular client and you're not. DON'T PISS OFF THE JUDGE or the judge will find a way to take it out on you and you will not like it when that happens. One particular judge actually said to me "I don't get angry, I get even". Attorneys don't have to be told that, they know it. They understand that a career can be lost by alienating a judge and that relationships can be jeopardized by alienating their peers. The vast majority of attorneys will not risk their careers or jeopardize their professional relationships for any one particular client. So does anybody really need an attorney? The law actually implies that we don't because we are given the right to represent ourselves in court if we choose to. Does anybody really want you to know this? Definitely not, because if everybody represented themselves, how would all the law school graduates make a living? But here's the big problem. When you think you need an attorney, it's almost always because you've gotten into some kind of serious trouble and you think that the stakes are too high if you lose. It's kind of like needing a new roof. Nobody even thinks about their roof until it's too late and the thing is leaking uncontrollably. And it's only then that they find out how incredibly expensive a new roof is, and how impossible it is to educate yourself properly on the subject in order to know how to spend all that money and not get ripped off. Similarly, until you're in serious trouble, you probably don't even think about having to choose an attorney. And now the stakes are much higher than when you need a new roof because with the roof, the great danger is spending a lot of money and not getting what you paid for. With your legal difficulty, it could be about having to go to JAIL, not to mention spending a lot of money on an attorney and then having to go to jail. So when you're in that situation, the conventional wisdom is unanimous - get the best attorney you can afford. So you bust your budget and make your selection. You sit there in court and watch the attorney do his/her job. How are you supposed to be able to know whether the best possible job is being done for you? There's no way to know because you don't understand the game that's being played out. After all is said and done, the judge calls both attorneys into chambers and the goal of the meeting is to find a compromise solution that will move the case out of court. The attorneys do their thing and then they come back into court and tell you, "This is the best possible deal you're going to get. Trust me. If you don't take this deal, you're going to make the judge angry and you will never get this deal again." What can you do? Nothing. You just lost. But if you ever make the decision to represent yourself in court, you'd better understand how to behave properly or you will really piss off the judge. Here are the basics of good courtroom behavior: 1. Don't digress. Make your points quickly, logically, and in logical order. 2. Always look the judge directly in the eyes when talking. 3. Forget your ego and just grovel. Say "your Honor", "with all due respect", "forgive my ignorance" and things like that. 4. Dress well. Notice that the attorneys all wear suits. Now why do you think they do that? Because they all own stock in Brooks Brothers? 5. When you do get your chance to go back into chambers, follow rules 1 through 4 again. If you can master these basics, you will find that an amazing thing happens. The judge will be entertained by you simply because what you're doing is very rare and it's not what they have to sit through every day. If you're good and stick to the basics, the judge will bend over backwards to assist you. Of course, there is the matter of knowing the law and proper court procedure. It's possible to lose a case just by missing a trick and being beat to the punch by your opposing attorney on a simple point of order. So . . . do you need an attorney? Probably you do, but maybe you don't. I didn't.
    As Sally Struthers said in All in The Family: "Case Closed !"

         
    Tips for avoiding a divorce

     

    If you have a marriage in trouble but you want to avoid divorce, you should know that you have great options for saving the relationship. The exact resources and tools used to put the broken pieces back together will depend on the reason for the problem. As an example, if your wife or husband was unfaithful, counseling can often help sort things out. Therefore, prior to doing anything, you need to identity the reason for the problem in the first place. Other than infidelity, couples struggle with financial issues, which is a huge factor that can lead to divorce. Typically, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Unfortunately, many couples overextend, meaning they live on borrowed money. Of all factors, credit cards are the most common problem. When more money goes out than comes in, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are disagreeing on who makes more, what should or should not be purchased, who was at fault, and so on. Then to make matters worse, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payment are. For the married couple, it soon becomes too much to handle. If you find that you and your spouse are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a finance advisor or credit counseling company to help get things back on track. In this case, counselors would act as the go-between for you and your creditors. In fact, these counselors are professionals who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a budget for the future. Just because a married couple is having financial problems does not mean divorce is imminent. In fact, using a mediator or counselor can be a huge assistance. The reason is that the blame-game ends so the problem can reach a solution. Start by putting any differences aside and stop blaming each other. Then, create a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money. Most importantly, to avoid divorce, start communicating. Unless you talk, you can never work things out. Keep in mind that good communication does not mean yelling, it means talking as adults. Therefore, take time so the two of you can sit down face-to-face to discuss the current situation, regardless of the problem. If anger is too high, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Just remind yourself that it takes time but with dedication and determination, divorce can be avoided.

         
    Understanding child custody laws

     

    Child Custody Laws differ from state to state. You need to check with your state's laws to get the most current information. When it comes to child custody Laws, there are a few states that have all the procedures laid out for the separating parents and there children. The judges must follow these guidelines to assist in determining the custody of the children during and after a divorce. There aren't many federal laws that apply to children's custody, with the exception of transporting across different state lines. States do have differing laws that deal with jurisdiction between other states, but not all states have this understanding however. So if one parent lives in one state and the parent and children in another, the state where the children reside will have more influence. Of course you must take into consideration which state the separation and custody papers where filed. Child custody Laws are designed with interest of the children as the first priority. Child custody laws are designed to prevent custody going to abusers of drugs or alcohol. Laws are also in place that prevents the children from going to an environment where there is clear mental or physical abuse. Most states prefer joint custody between the parents, where both parents can be a functional part of raising the children. The parents would share both physical and legal custody of the children. It's really important to understand these two distinctions in the Child custody laws. Physical custody is where the children are residing. When a child lives a large portion of time with one parent, that parent has what is known as physical custody. Often times during the summer months children leave one parent to live in the house of the other. During those situations physical custody moves from one parent to the other. Legal custody is the right and responsibility to make important decisions regarding health, education, and well being issues. Often both physical custody and legal custody are with the same parent, unless the parents have joint custody. During those situations the court may decided that where the children reside at the time that that parent can determine what is best for the children at the time. However is would be wise to have a consensus between the parents. Again, research the child custody laws of your state or province to determine what the best solution is for you during these trying times. Always have the children's best interest when making these decisions.

         
    Unhealthy emotions associated with being dumped

     

    Being dumped can be a traumatic experience for anyone. Relationships are complex and difficult at times. While some people who are dumped seem to find a way to move on without much damage, most people who are dumped have serious emotional issues. Some of the negative reactions to the difficult emotions that come out of the break up can seriously affect the way a person functions and the person’s ability to function in life. Finding a positive way to deal with these difficult and possibly harmful negative reactions to these feelings can help you deal with being dumped and move on with your life. Just a few of the emotions you may encounter are hatred, embarrassment and sadness. Hatred is a common feeling to have after being dumped. The common question is, “Why Me?” You may experience hatred toward a person that has dumped you, mutual friends that disassociate with you after the break up, and anyone who may subsequently date your ex after you break up. Dealing with hatred in a positive way is very important because this emotion has a very bad habit of being a festering emotion. If you have hatred inside, you may even be physically affected. Hatred is an awful emotion that can have severe effects. If you are consumed by this negative emotion, it is hard to live your life, move on from a broken relationship, and even go about day to day responsibilities normally. Another emotion you may experience is embarrassment. A lot of times, embarrassment stems from self-esteem issues, as well as feeling like everyone around is laughing at you. After you have been dumped, the best way to move past feeling embarrassed is to know that you are a worthwhile person and that you are not the only person who has been dumped. Lift your head and know that you have great qualities that someone else will admire later on in a different relationship, and simply work on getting to know yourself and being the person you want to be. Anyone who would laugh at you after such a painful experience is not worth even wasting time to think about. One more emotion you may experience in the case of being dumped is sadness. This one will only heal after time. There is almost always regret when you are broken up with and the only cure for this emotion is taking time to let yourself heal. Indulge in some self-pity, but not for long. Get pampered, spend a little money on yourself, and try to remember that you are a worthy human being. Sadness will pass and you will be able to move on with your life in a positive manner. If you allow yourself to get wrapped up in sadness, you can get into a funk that is very difficult to get out of. Simply waking up and getting on with your regular routine can help you take one day at a time to your recovery. No matter what seemingly negative emotions you experience after being dumped, and there are a variety of many of them, the way to move past them is to react to them in the most positive way you can. This is a key to moving on with your life and living a successful and happy life.

         
    Validity of a will executed in a foreign place

     

    GENERAL RULE AS TO VALIDITY OF A WILL EXECUTED IN A FOREIGN PLACE 1. A Will is to be taken to be properly executed if its execution conforms to the Internal Law in force in the place:- * a) where it was executed; or * b) which was the testator's domicile or habitual residence, either at the time the Will was executed, or at the testator's death; or * c) of which the testator was a national, either at the date of execution of the Will, or at the testator's death. 2. The following Wills are also to be taken to be properly executed:- * a) a Will executed on board a vessel or aircraft, if the Will has been executed in conformity with the internal law in force in the place with which the vessel or aircraft may be taken to have been most closely connected having regard to its registration and other relevant circumstances; or * b) a Will, so far as it disposes of immovable property, if it has been executed in conformity with the internal law in force in the place where the property is situated; or * c) a Will, so far as it revokes a Will or a provision of a Will which has been executed, to have been properly executed in conformity with any law by which the earlier Will or provision would be taken to have been validly executed; or * d) a Will, so far as it exercises a power of appointment, if the Will has been executed in conformity with the law governing the validity of the power. 3. A Will to which this applies, so far as it exercises a power of appointment, is not to be taken to have been improperly executed because it has not been executed in accordance with the formalities required by the instrument creating the power. Notwithstanding the above, we stress that it is more appropriate to execute a Will that complies fully with all local requirements. This is in preference to having to establish both the bona fides of the Will and the country of origin in which the Will was originally executed.

         
    What is an annulment

     

    Current info about Annulment is not always the easiest thing to locate. Fortunately, this report includes the latest Annulment info available. Annulment is a legal procedure for declaring a marriage null and void. Annulment differs from divorce where the court ends an otherwise legal marriage on a specific date. In strict legal terminology, annulment refers only to making a voidable marriage null; if the marriage is void ab initio, then it is automatically null, although a legal declaration of nullity is required to establish this. The process of obtaining such a declaration is similar to the annulment process. Grounds for Annulment Grounds for a marriage being voidable or void ab initio vary in different legal jurisdictions, but are typically limited to fraud, bigamy, and mental incompetence including that: * Either spouse was already married to someone else at the time of the marriage; * Either spouse was too young to be married, or too young without required court or parental consent; * Either spouse was under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the marriage; * Either spouse was mentally incompetent at the time of the marriage; * If the consent to the marriage was based on fraud or force; * Either spouse was physically incapable to be married (typically, inability to have sexual intercourse which persists) at the time of the marriage; * The marriage is prohibited by law due to the relationship between the parties. * Infidelity exists in marriage, or partners are unfaithful You can't predict when knowing something extra about Annulments will come in handy. If you learned anything new in this article, you should print and file it where you can find it again.

         
    When does a child custody battle go too far this was our story

     

    : A divorce is stressful enough, but when child custody is involved it can get ugly really quick. Unfortunately, there are times when the underlying reason for child custody isn’t about the children at all. It’s just one more way to get back at their Ex for all the "horrible things" that they have done. This is the worst situation because the only one who ends up getting hurt is the children. That’s why I felt compelled to write this article. My wife and I have been have been in a "heated" battle for her daughter for over a year now. Her ex-husband is a manipulative "know it all" who is purposely limiting my wife’s contact with her daughter. My wife lost custody several years ago when she had to leave the state they were living in because of the constant harassment and threats being made by her Ex. At the time, the judge could not make a decision on custody and my wife was not allowed to take her daughter out of the state. It was not long after that her Ex’s high price attorney was able to get the judge to grant him full custody simply because my wife now lived out-of-state. Needless to say, my wife was devastated. She didn’t think it could happen just like that with no consideration given to her situation. So in an instant, she went from having 50:50 custody to seeing her daughter only 6 weeks out of the year. A couple of years later, I came into the picture and was able to convince my wife that she needs to stop being afraid of her Ex and it was time to fight for her right to be a mother to her daughter. That was easier said than done. By that time, her Ex had used his influence over his daughter to get her to blame my wife for everything that had happened. Soon the phone calls got shorter and shorter, and her daughter started saying awful things to my wife things that just tore her up inside. This 5-year girl was "yelling" at her mother for breaking up the family, for causing all her daddy’s "money problems", and for leaving her behind to be with her “new husband”. None of which it true, but try explaining that to a 5-year old girl over the telephone with her Daddy sitting beside her and listening to the entire conversation. My wife was an utter mess, and even started blaming herself for what was going on. We finally decided enough was enough, but we had no idea what to do next. I research everything. I’m all over the internet look for tip and strategies, anything that can give us an idea on how to deal with a child custody issue. And wouldn’t you know it; all I get are law firms that tell you that all you have to do is get the right lawyer. So that is what we did. We gathered all the money that we could, our entire savings and then some, and then hired a lawyer. A lawyer who called our situation an "atrocity", and that he would do everything in his power to put a stop to it. And so it began, the child custody battle was in full swing. But after the first motion was sent out by our lawyer, we heard nothing. Days, weeks went by and no response, and when we tried to get in touch with our lawyer we had to set up an appointment where we would get charged $250 an hour to talk to him over the phone. A year goes by and nothing happens, except for the judge telling my wife’s Ex to stop turning her daughter against her. And did I mention, we had a nice $16,000 lawyer bill. This child custody battle was causing us all kinds of pain (emotionally, mentally, and monetarily), but we vowed not to quit. In the mean time, her daughter was angry at us once again because we were trying to "put her Daddy in jail" and "He would die of a broken heart if she was ever to go and live with mommy". It was gut-wrenching to the both of us. And then something happened that gave us some hope. Did the lawyer call with some good new? No! Did the judge finally make a decision in our favor? No! I came upon a website talking about two experts (Doctors of Psychology) in dealing with child custody issues. With over 35 years of experience between them, and numerous expert testimonies, they looked they had something that they could teach us. And wouldn’t you believe their guide on strategies in dealing with child custody only cost $89. I was skeptical at first, wondering what they could know that our lawyer doesn’t. But what is $89 compared to $16,000, so I took a look. Right from the beginning, I noticed things that our lawyer never even mentioned to us. I even brought up some points from the book to our lawyer (at $250 an hour), and he acted like he had never heard of that before. These weren’t over the top legal tactics. These were simple things that none of us had ever though of. We’re still in the midst of the custody battle, but things our leaning our way for the first time ever. All I can say is that the guide has helped me understand a lot more about child custody strategies, and I had only wished that I had found before all of this started. If you our in similar situation yourself, or about to fight for custody, I urge you to get this guide. It’s a small price to pay in the long run, and it even shows you ways to make your lawyer work harder for you. To check out what these experts have to say and check out their guide go to Child Custody Strategies.

         
    Who suffers more in a divorce

     

    The name divorce has been a household word for people who need it, or just take it as fashion on self-realization for the never ending illusion for the search of “Miss or Mr. Right” for a mate in life. Even in the confines of the most settled or established homes the word “divorce” hovers as a threat to the solemnity of conjugal partnership because of the environmental changes in trends, culture, ignoring some already practiced social conventions. To be scared of divorce is no longer accounted in such places as United States, Japan, Korea, and Canada, United Kingdom and the commonwealth. As matter of fact, the rise in the U. S. Canada, United Kingdom and the Commonwealth countries is phenomenal that it becomes more of a fashion in today’s society. There are still countries, more strongly attached to their traditional roots and values such as the Philippines and some other Asian countries that merely ignore away any proposition in the legislature to adapt divorce. These countries though they could perceive the real need of divorce are simply not adept toward the impact of some harsh realities experienced by some people within the conjugal partnership. These people are beset by conditions and problems that can’t be resolved and the only way out is to find a legal means to free from each other from the bondage of marriage’s brutalities that connect husband and wife who find no solution to their differences. In the Bible, Jesus speaks of “divorce” in exceptional unresolved cases in married life. However, though, conditions in what he wanted to apply in the kind of divorce he taught is rampantly tampered, that of not marrying another again. Still sticking to the spiritual rule “Let no man put asunder.” Impact of divorce to the defunct family (husband, wife, and children), the effects carried about in that marriage (dividing material things acquired, rights covered by the law, such as custody to children, alimony, etc) is tremendous. Legal fights in courts find it so unwholesome to the growing kids. Other children who are growing up psychologically immature are thrown to traumatic state they suffer for the rest of their lives. Since “divorce” is the dissolution of marriage, once it is approved, marriage became null and void in any circumstances it was presented. The annulment that rendered the partnership void does not however carry with it the effects that marriage carry. There are so many conditions that the law impose to protect the psychological, sociological and the emotional health of the each, especially the children, protecting their present and future lives. Allowing separated husband and wife to marry immediately after the divorce are of two different conditions. The man could remarry earlier whereas the woman has to wait for specified days under the circumstance of the law. This is due to the specifications as to the paternity of any child born to the woman after sometime she remarries. To avoid impending confusion on paternal claim and responsibilities, further extent of time is set for her to remarry that will make definite assurance, the child has not been fathered by the divorced husband. In the presence of confusion because there was conflict in the time of remarriage, the second man should accept or conform to his paternal status to the child, and amenable to full support both moral and material. It passes thru legal process within the scope of duly accepted norm of conduct of the present husband. It may not necessarily undergo formal legal proceedings but what ever the concerned parties had agreed upon privately, may be ratified by the law. This sounds true to the divorced spouses. Any agreement between them in like manner will also be ratified. There are two kinds of divorce, the absolute and the limited. Absolute divorce is the judicial terminations of marriage bonds because of grieve misconduct of either one or both parties after the divorce has been processed. It also concerns about other statutory causes arising after the separation. Both the divorced husband and wife become single again. Limited divorce is merely like a separation decree. It terminates merely the cohabitation of concerned husband and wife. It does not state the dissolution of marriage, and their status is not altered.

         
    5 Ways to numb the financial pain of divorce

     

    Whether it comes before or after the papers are signed, economic hardship is all too familiar to many couples who divorce. Following a few financial guidelines can ease the burden during this difficult time. Each year, 1 million Americans divorce. More than 80 percent of divorcing couples cite “debt and financial distress” as the primary factor in the dissolution of their marriages, according to an American Bar Association survey, and studies find that most families suffer a financial decline following a divorce. By taking steps to protect credit, families can come through in much better shape. Bills, a national consumer finance portal, encourages divorcing couples to take the following steps: 1. Accurately assess debts and liabilities. First, see yourself as your creditors do. Online (see myfico ) or by phone, you can request a "tri-merge" credit report (a summary from all three major credit reporting bureaus). Note all of your existing shared and individual liabilities. Settle (or get a judgment) on how you'll allocate these responsibilities. 2. Plan on how to handle your home. If you own a home, the mortgage is likely your most significant monthly payment. Be certain you understand how you'll resolve monthly mortgage payments, and how you'll divide the home's value – whether one partner buys out the other now, or the home is to be sold after children are grown. 3. Budget for payments. Create a detailed budget, based on your new income level, and use free cash flow to pay off debts. Most people find the most efficient way to pay off debts is to first pay off smaller bills – starting with under $100 – then pay off loans and unsecured debt, such as credit cards, beginning with the account with the highest interest rate. 4. Make sure your ex-spouse is making his or her payments. If possible, make provisions in the divorce agreement for reporting on resolution of significant debt. There are important implications for you personally if your spouse does not meet his/her end of the bargain on liabilities allocated through the divorce proceedings. Call all creditors for shared accounts (credit cards, gas cards, department store cards, phone cards, etc.). Close the accounts if you are not carrying balances, or remove your name from jointly held accounts. Remember that for jointly held credit cards, and for any other debts incurred during the marriage in community property states, you have shared liability – and thereby share any potential negative credit rating impact. This means that if your spouse does not make payments after the divorce, it could come back to haunt you – and your credit rating. If you owe back taxes, be aware that the IRS does not have to honor a decision from a divorce judgment. Consult a tax expert to help with your divorce tax planning. 5. Focus on rehabilitating your credit and financial health. Begin a savings plan. Reinvest any proceeds or equity that come out of the divorce proceeding, and be especially cognizant of building yourself a retirement fund for the future. If you find yourself in trouble during this stressful time -- in which you must make many financial decisions -- seek help immediately from a reliable, professional debt resolution firm. Be sure to investigate the company you choose to assist you, and seek out a company that operates for the consumer, which is markedly different from credit counseling, debt consolidation, and debt management firms.

         
    10 Tips for self care during divorce

     

    Copyright 2006 Sharron Phillips What a gift you will give yourself and everyone around you if you are committed and willing to take extreme measures for self care during a divorce. A divorce is a separation from a union and even the most straightforward, uncomplicated circumstances include unforeseen hiccups. There are plenty of chances to observe who you are in this stressful situation. Healing comes to those who rather than blame life’s experiences, give thanks for the growth potential being offered. I know this is a stretch to accept when you are in the midst of divorce, and I’d like you to trust that it is likely to be true for you. I made full use of the time during my second divorce to really pay attention to how I was feeling. Even in my misery I looked for glimpses of clarity, wisdom, and understanding about what part I had played in the story. It takes two to tango, so you will only benefit from learning more about yourself, seeing where you need to shore up your foundation, and taking action so that a next relationship will be fulfilling in ways that you want. In order to face who you are, to get perspective, it is important to take very good care of yourself, especially during the divorce process. 1. Set up your own space. If you can afford to have a separate living arrangement during your divorce proceedings and it does not interfere with legal requirements for the outcome you are hoping for, find a separate space. If you are financially strapped, create a separate space in the dwelling you share and make it appealing. Buy yourself flowers for the room, get new artwork for the wall, colorful throw cushions, new sheets and towels. 2. Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy. 3. Get outside, walk, walk, walk or run or mosey or amble. This will go a long way to soothing the jangled nerves you are likely to experience. 4. Bitch, moan, tear out your hair, cry, wail, take a breath and then repeat as often as necessary until you get tired of hearing yourself repeat the saga of your breakup and why you are right and your soon to be ex is all wrong. 5. Start a new career or hobby. You will meet new people, engage your creativity and have a new outlet. 6. Understand that this experience will have an end and a new beginning. Prepare to forgive yourself and your new ex and be willing to move on. 7. Evaluate your friendships and make whatever adjustments you feel are necessary. Sometimes there is a need to make new friends and say goodbye to relationships that are fraught with unrepairable history. 8. Daydream about your next partner and relationship. In order to be ready for a new and improved relationship, you need to know what you want and also need to see what parts of you need healing and nurturing. 9. Get reliable, recommended legal counsel. Be prepared for the process to take longer than you thought. Save your energy. You are not likely to speed up the process. 10. Understand that this experience may be an opportunity for growth and insight. Be gentle with yourself, be prepared to make changes in your life and outlook. Get ready for the adventure of discovering yourself.

         
    5 Ways to ensure you will have a happy life after divorce

     

    In fact, think about having a life after divorce while getting a divorce can be a sticking point for some people because they just aren't sure what their life will "look like" after divorce. Here's 5 things to keep in mind so can have a life after divorce: Life after divorce item 1: Think about your emotional stability...if you wanted the divorce or not, you must face it head on. Divorce is tough and whether you're going through it or your are already past it, your emotional stability is of vital importance because you might tend to be somewhat touchy after going through an emotional ordeal. Keep in mind that your life after divorce can be great but you must admit that you will go through (or have gone through) a trying time in your life. Admitting this and facing your situation head on is important to your emotional stability and critical to you having a happy life after divorce. Life after divorce item 2: Look at the bright side, having life after divorce could be a new start for you! How may times in your life do you wish you could have just started over knowing what you know now? If you answered "many", don't worry, that's a common thought most of us have. Having a positive mental attitude about your new beginning will make a huge difference in how happy your life will be after divorce. Life after divorce can be fantastic and it can also be very tough if you don't remain positive about a what's in front of you. Look at the glass as being "half full" and realize that, in order to be happy after divorce, you must take advantage of the opportunity to get a fresh start! Life after divorce item 3: Surround yourself with people you like in your free time. Too often times people start new relationships with just about anyone because they are lonely while getting a divorce or after getting a divorce. Sparking a relationship, romantic or friendly, with anyone and everyone who will spend time with you can contribute to unhappiness in your life after divorce. Stop and think about the people that you spend time with and ask yourself, "Once my emotional turmoil has ended, would I really want to keep the relationship going with this person?". Life after divorce is tough...so, when you're deciding about divorce, going through one, or already have been through a divorce, make sure that you carefully choose who to spend your free time with or you may fall into more negativity in your life after divorce. Life after divorce item 4: Make it a point to spend time doing things that you like to do every week. Make sure that you spend time enjoying your life after divorce - don't forget to 'stop and smell the roses'. Some people vent, work, go into hiding, or just plain go haywire after getting a divorce and their subsequent life after divorce isn't as healthy as possible. At least once a week, take the time to go and do something that you really enjoy doing...it will help you deal with your life after divorce in a more pleasing manner. Life after divorce item 5: Set specific goals and implement a plan to achieve those goals. Life after divorce is a tumultuous time, your life can seemingly be 'in the balance'. In order to make sure that you feel good about yourself and enjoy the feeling that accomplishment brings, think about a goal or set of goals that you've always had but never attained. Then, prioritize those goals and devise a plan to obtain them, one by one. Implement each plan and be happy (in fact celebrate) once you've reached your goal. Your life after divorce will be markedly better and healthier if you take this concept to heart and follow it. Visualizing your life after divorce (and thinking about what your life might be like after divorce) is a sound and logical thing to do in order to be happy after divorce. Your life after divorce does not need to be a continuation of the pain you might have gone through or are currently going through. Life after divorce can be extremely liberating if you act based on logic plus positive emotions rather than negativity. If divorce is eminent or you've already been through divorce, take the time to actually plan your life after divorce.

         
    A good choice collaborative divorce

     

    Authors of Collaborative Divorce We know from long experience that only collaborative divorce -- not old-style adversarial legal representation, and not a single mediator working with or without lawyers in the picture -- views divorce as a complex experience requiring advice and counsel from multiple perspectives if it is to be navigated well. Collaborative divorce prepares you to deal with the emotional challenges and changes associated with divorce and provides the resources that can best help you make a healthy transition from married to single. Collaborative divorce builds in important protections for children, too. It informs you fully about how your children are experiencing the divorce and what they need to weather the big changes in their family structure without harm. It helps protect your future relationship with your spouse by informing both of you fully -- together, at the same time -- about the financial realities of your marriage and divorce in a way that eliminates pointless arguments about economic issues. It also teaches you and your spouse new ways of problem solving and conflict resolution so that you develop useful skills for addressing your differences more constructively in the future. Further, collaborative divorce Helps you clarify your individual and shared values and priorities Helps you and your spouse reach maximum consensus Includes complete advice about the law without using legal rights as the sole template for negotiation and resolution Helps you and your spouse resolve serious differences creatively and without destructive conflict Helps parents improve their ability to coparent after divorce Builds in agreements about resolution of future differences after the divorce is over Focuses not only on resolving past differences but also on planning for healthy responses to current challenges and on laying a strong foundation for the future after the divorce is over Aims toward deep resolution, not shallow peace Why You Do Not Want an "Old-Style Divorce" We're confident that, like the people we work with every day, you want to protect yourself and your loved ones from the havoc that an old-style divorce can wreak in your lives. Let's summarize the facts you now know about old-style divorce: It is based on the centuries-old belief that divorce is wrong and abnormal It seeks to find fault and mete out punishment It focuses on the past It is premised on conflict It is constrained by an arbitrary legal framework intended to resolve matters of right and wrong by the exchange of money It aims at a deal, not deep resolution It fails to take into account current understandings of how people are wired, what they need in times of change, what children need during and after divorce, and how families change and restructure What's more, we know that old-style divorce is bad for individuals, families, and communities because It's expensive It's hurtful and damaging It's "one size fits all" It deems irrelevant many common concerns that are extremely important to most people because judges can't issue enforceable orders about them It focuses on the past It encourages unrealistic expectations on the part of both spouses about what should happen in the divorce It resolves disputes through competing predictions of what a judge would do rather than focusing on what you and your partner can agree on It won't provide essential help to you or those you care about The emotional and social costs are incalculable Luckily, we live in an era when there is finally a better option -- one that can end a marriage without destroying a family or setting into motion negative effects that can bedevil family members for a lifetime. Why Collaborative Divorce Works So Well The reasons why collaborative divorce does such a good job of helping most people achieve their own "best divorce" are simple. Collaborative divorce addresses the financial and legal matters that must be resolved in any divorce, but it does so more effectively because it provides the built-in help of three professions, not just one. The design of collaborative divorce -- with its team of professionals, its systematic attention to values, its emphasis on healthy relationships, and its focus on the future -- takes into account the broad spectrum of what really matters to most people when their marriages end. It considers not only the two spouses but those around them who also matter to the divorcing couple and who will be both directly and indirectly affected by a good or a bad divorce: children, families, and even extended families, friends, and colleagues. It applies what we know about marriage and divorce from the realms of psychology, sociology, history, law, communication theory, conflict resolution theory, finance, and other realms in a very practical, useful, and concrete way. Collaborative Divorce Deals With What People Actually Experience in Divorce Unlike any other divorce conflict resolution process that has come before, collaborative divorce teams make constant use of vital information about how people are "wired," how we think, how our emotions affect our ability to communicate effectively and to process information, how we experience pain and loss, how we recover from the end of a marriage, what our children are experiencing and what they need in the divorce, and what the needs of each member of the family after the divorce are likely to be. In this way, collaborative divorce offers constructive, comprehensive, multidisciplinary professional support that responds to the actual complexities of divorce as people experience it, rather than imposing an old-fashioned, limited institutional legal point of view as the sole perspective on a complex human experience. Reprinted from Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life by Pauline H. Tesler, M. A., J. D., & Peggy Thompson, Ph. D. Copyright © 2006 Pauline H. Tesler & Peggy Thompson. Published by Regan Books; June 2006;$25.95US/$33.50CAN; 0-06-088943-8 Authors Pauline H. Tesler, M. A., J. D., has been a specialist in family law certified by California State Bar Board of Legal Specialization since 1985. She is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband. lawtsf Peggy Thompson, Ph. D., has been a licensed psychologist specializing in families and children for thirty years. For the past fifteen years, she has been actively involved in the development and practice of collaborative divorce. Peggy lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband. cdadivorce Together they confounded the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. For more information, please visit collaborativedivorcebook

         
    Adultery as sexual addiction should you stay married

     

    I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." One affair, "I Can't Say NO!" is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual addiction. Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior. The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage. If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process: 1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumping into more emotional turmoil? 2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions? 3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior? 4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage. 5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate. 6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed. 7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear? 8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children? Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.

         
     
         
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