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    Free Essay
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    Protecting your children from your divorce

     

    : Any child going through a divorce is going to experience some emotional pain, feelings of loss, sadness, frustration and possibly abandonment or rejection. As parents it is important to help children through this difficult time in their lives and to protect them as much as possible from the divorce process itself, as well as the changes that will occur, both now and in the future. As a parent there are several things that you can do to help your children get through the divorce with as little difficulty as possible. Both parents working together on this goal can make it even easier for the children. Love Children at this time need even more love from parents than they did prior to the divorce. This means telling your children every chance to get that you love them, think of them often, and will always be there for them. Try spending some extra one-on-one time with your kids and encourage them to talk about their concerns or fears. Support and security Just like love, kids need to feel that they are supported, secure and safe during the divorce. Often children feel very insecure about their relationship with one or both of the parents, and may feel that the parent that moves out of the house has rejected them. Talk to the children about the divorce, and explain that both parents will still be very involved in their lives. Show children your support and commitment to them by being there, and following through on any plans or events. Children may also feel that the custodial parent may not have the financial means to support them, especially if money is an issue in the divorce or in the disagreements leading up to the divorce. Assure your children that you have this under control. Children should not feel concern over financial affairs; they need to know that Mom and Dad have this handled. Avoid conflict Children need to see that Mom and Dad still can work together to be good parents. Kids should never be exposed to fighting, negative comments about the other parent, or conflict between parents. If you have a high-conflict situation try exchanging the children at a neutral spot like a restaurant, or perhaps leave the children with a friend and have the other parent pick them up there so you don't have to meet face to face. It is critical that children not be exposed to the stress and anxiety of parental conflict. Extended family Talk to your extended families to make sure that they are following the same expectations for providing love, support, and only positive comments. Encourage your children to talk to other family members about the divorce if they feel comfortable with this. Set a routine and schedule As soon as possible set a schedule for children to spend time with both parents. Try to stick to the schedule as much as possible as this allows the children to plan for times with both parents, and to feel a part of both parents' lives. Be consistent Try to set similar expectations for chores, discipline and daily routines in both Mom's house and Dad's house. This is particularly important if you have younger children, as they will adjust to spending time in both homes much quicker if they are consistent.

         
    Quiz yourself will you survive break up

     

    I did everything possible to save our relationship. I gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be breaking-up soon. That has already broken my heart. This relationship was made brick by brick over so many years. What all we did not do to make it last? But alas, we are breaking - up. This is a typical statement from a person facing break-up. How to survive after a break-up? Will you survive a break-up? Why not quiz yourself about it? The immediate effect of the break-up would be pain. Will you be able to take the pain? The pain would go away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact will be high. You will have to gather all your energy and tolerate the pain. The second effect would be bitterness and blame. You will non stop think about the behavior of your ex partner and fix blame everywhere. You will recap all the arguments and fights and there will be a large amount of self-talk about how you were ditched. That will not be a pleasant experience. You will have to find way out of all this by spending quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Are you ready for that? The major effect would be the temptation to join immediately with anew partner. This can work both the ways. Some people never wish to form a relationship again after undergoing the trauma, while some want to form a relationship as soon as possible to forget the earlier one. Both of theses choices carry danger. The best alternative is to wait for sometime and when you find your stability and self esteem back, try and form another relationship. Are you ready for this?

         
    Reconcile or move on how to decide

     

    Should I Reconcile? You are older and wiser now, with an experience or two, and a decision to make. Your desire to reconcile is often a desire to live the dream. To revive your passions and the hopes you lived in the beginning. To return to 'Go' and start over with a new role of the dice. Purhaps reconciliation is not your own desire, but forced upon you like a load of dirty laundry. Forced upon you by silent and sullen children. Forced upon you by a repentant spouse, full of promises and needs greater than your own. Forced upon you by family, religion, and tradition of the day. Should I reconcile? Should I accept the hurt, the pain, and call it a day? Can I face the unknown, or is there more comfort in this familiar but battered arena? Yes, you are older and wiser now, with a decision to make. How to Decide Take a blank piece of paper, any paper, and if you are inclined you can create a spreadsheet or flow chart, it matters not the medium. Across the top draw a single line, and down the centre draw another line. At the top on one side write the word STAY. The other side gets MOVE ON. There is no secret or trick to this; simply write down every reason or excuse for saving or ending your marriage. This writer remembers being asked to make a list of all the possible uses for the lowly paper clip. Writing down one use leads to another and another, the list reached 50 ideas within two minuets. At another table their list numbered 110. The point my friend is to just jot down, pro and con. Your list might take a life of its own, growing hour by hour, day by day. At least three things will happen. - You will come to a decision. - You will have clearer understanding of the issues. - You have the beginings of a course of action Staying means taking action and making one more commitment to your marriage. That commitment is not yours alone. You both have issues to resolve. It is not prudent to take the easy road by ducking the issues. Face them head on. Pay the price in the currency of hard work and honest communication, without it couples often fall back into old habits. A recommendable course of action is joint marriage counselling, and in many cases joint financial counselling. Moving on means acceptance, and closes the option of going back into the marriage. While it may be sad, it also frees you to look to your future without the complications of all the "what if's". Moving on can be like passing Go and collecting your $200, knowing the next trip around the block might be better than the last.

         
    Separation and divorce the top 12 mistakes a woman should avoid when it comes to divorce planning

     

    A matrimonial divorce settlement is NOT an exact science. If a financial divorce settlement was a straight mathematical equation, we wouldn't need courts and lawyers to resolve matters. Courts are usually required, under Family Law legislation, to take into account a range of factors in deciding who gets what. Too many women settle for a 50% split of the matrimonial property WITHOUT taking into account matters such as significant disparities between what your husband earns and your own weekly /monthly income and any restrictions your age or health might have on your capacity to earn income. Another mistake is letting the other spouse retain the matrimonial home EVEN IF you have the ability to buy him out. Real estate property has a habit of increasing in value without you having to do anything. If you pass this up and your spouse pays you out then the problem often is that you don't then have enough money to purchase a property of your own. Deposits, stamp duty, legal fees etc. can put buying another home out of your reach. You're left paying out dead money in rent. While not as common a mistake, some women will seek to keep the matrimonial home when they really CAN'T afford to financially. If buying out your husband's share in the house is going to involve you taking out a big loan, you need to factor in the monthly loan repayments PLUS outgoings such as rates, building insurance, public liability insurance and general maintenance costs. Only then will you know whether or not you can actually afford to keep the house. Failing to take other matters such as alimony and child support into consideration BEFORE agreeing on a division of the matrimonial property is another problem. These are NOT matters that should be dealt with in isolation. It is the current value of property that is taken into account - not replacement value. This means that if the family car is worth $10,000, it is often better to keep it. Too many women find themselves needing a vehicle to get the kids to and from school, football training etc. and having to spend twice what the family car was worth just to replace it. The same mistake is sometimes made when it comes to the marital furniture and effects. They are usually secondhand (even if only recently purchased) and therefore are not worth a lot of money. For example, the fridge that you paid $1,000 for new may now only worth a few hundred dollars. Keeing the bulk of the furniture (if it is in good condition) will avoid you having to pay a lot more money to replace it. Property settlements may sometimes be amicable but this does not mean they are fair. Do not accept the inflated financial values your husband is likely to put on property that you want to keep and the low value he's likely to put on any property he actually wants to keep. It is surprising to find women (and sometimes men) arguing over the little things. By this I mean, fighting for items of little financial worth. It's pointless paying hundreds of dollars in legal fees disputing who is going to get a $50 wedding vase or a $150 stamp collection. Another mistake is overlooking other assets such as boats, trailers, machinery, pensions, retirement funds, stocks, shares and life insurance as matrimonial property and/or financial resources. Too many women believe that if they go "soft" on their property settlement entitlements, their husband will be easier to deal with as regards the children. This approach rarely produces the desired result. The only real outcome usually is that your spouse perceives you to be weak. Another very common mistake is seeking divorce financial planning advice from a lawyer instead of a financial planner. What do lawyers know about financial planning? Some women get sucked into believing that by reaching an informal agreement with their husband that is legally binding. It isn't - even if it's written down and both parties have signed it. Finally, too many women simply give in to their husband because that's what they've always done. Now is the time to stand up for your self. You are facing separation and divorce, which means that more than ever before, you need to be primarily concerned with your financial future! © Barry J. Roche

         
    Successful parenting after separation

     

    : Separation is a challenging time for many parents because it is an adjustment to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative factors to separation and the corresponding changes, but one of the issues that can arise is the differences that parents may have in the ways that they parent the children. The key point or focus that parents need to address is that they must put the best interests of the children first, and that their role is to continue to be the best possible parents to their children, even though they no longer live in the same home. In order to put the interests of the children first parents that are separated need to consider the following issues, and determine how they can accomplish the goal of putting their kids first and provide love, safety and security for their children. Communication Maintaining the lines of communication is critical to continue successfully parenting the children. Many incorrect assumptions are made that the other parent is aware of scheduling changes, school events, outings or other issues affecting the child. Often parents expect children to be the messengers between them, and this is a very difficult and emotionally harmful role for you child to have to play. Parents should discuss and determine a method that will allow them to continue to communicate about the children and to work together to make decisions in the best interests of the kids. This communication may be done by fax, email, voicemail, phone calls or face-to-face meetings, depending on the level of comfort or conflict. Flexibility No matter how carefully you plan or schedule your life there are always things that come up out of your control. As parents it is important to realize that this can happen for you, your ex-spouse and your children. Try to be as flexible as possible and allow the other parent and the children to have time together whenever possible. Joint decision making If you are able to communicate as coparents it is important to keep in mind that joint decision-making is usually in the best interests of the children. For difficult or major decisions it is helpful to get the other parent's input and opinion to prevent further conflict down the line. Most parents want to be a part of their children's lives even if they don't live in the same home as the children, and using a joint decision making process helps them stay connected to the children and helps to provide a sense of security for the children. Stay positive about the other parent It is important to allow the children to have the most positive relationship that they possibly can with both of their parents. The more positive, respectful and civil that Mom and Dad can stay with each other the more comfortable, secure and stable the children will view their new lives. Children need to understand that separated parents are still Mom and Dad, and will still continue to be a part of their lives, even thought they live in different homes or even in different communities. Keep explanations to children as simple as possible, and avoid any negative comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, communicate openly about the children and allow maximum contact between your children and the other parent.

         
    The plain truth about marriage and divorce

     

    When two people are in love, all that seems to occupy their thoughts is the desire to share the rest of their lives together. This romantic notions often lead to the altar, and eventually to having children. Marriage is traditionally considered a bond bound in heaven, a contract between two people who commit to stay together “...through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.” Having their own family becomes the next greatest blessing that may even be seen as more joyous than the actual wedding. As a family, they share life together, with all it joys, sorrows, and everything in between. The enjoyment of each other's company becomes the hallmark of their family. But due to unfortunate events, some marriages do not last forever. Some fairy tales do not end with “happily ever after.” It is a fact that many couples do have differences that later turn out to be irreconcilable. Rather than endlessly be stuck in marital discord, some feuding couples see separation, annulment, or divorce as the only solution to end their fractured relationship. Many marriages end up in divorce because when two people get married, they do so without thinking of the enormous responsibilities and challenges that come with the marital contract. The sheer number of drive-in marriage booths in Las Vegas clearly point out the rather low regard people place in the institution of marriage. How would you like an Elvis impersonator officiate in exchanging your vows? Many people actually got married that way in Vegas. Britney Spears married her old friend from school, and after less than forty eight hours, she got divorced. Other reasons for the high number of separation and divorce include cases of adultery or concubinage. Naturally, separation and divorce brings untold anxiety not only upon the marriage partners, but often, more so on the children. Having a divorce can be both unpredictable and scary, for completing this whole process means the destruction of the whole foundation of the family ---not to mention the staggering costs of alimony and child support. Anxiety is present in divorce discussions, since the couple are not in good terms. A marital crisis is a family tragedy that would require years of emotional healing, if only to regain the self-esteem and stability of every person in the family. Perhaps even more that the two involved in the marriage, the ones who need emotional healing the most are the children. Children are the least prepared to face serious emotional and psychological trauma. Parents with divorced parents are almost stricken with anxiety. The stress is often seen in their poor performance in school and melancholic behavior at home. With low self-esteem, many teenagers from broken homes resort to drugs and join gangs to find a “substitute” home or family. In any case, emotional healing is crucial if children are to be prepared or rehabilitated from the emotional scars that were brought about by their parents' failed marriage. While keeping the marriage partnership intact may be the ideal, sometimes the avenue of divorce is taken by couples to prevent their children from becoming “collateral damage” in a situation where parents are constantly fighting.

         
    The price of a divorce

     

    It seems cruel that amid all the emotional struggles a divorce brings with it, money has to be such a tremendous burden and source of added anxiety. Divorces have many costs, some more tangible than others. This is an article about the tangible toll that a failed marriage has and tips on what to expect and how to cope. From the reallocation of property and debt to child support to taxes to retirement planning, there are a slew of financial issues that are intertwined with most divorces. Chances are you and your spouse share a lot of assets, from furniture to stocks to pets! You might even have a sentimental attachment to some of them. Unless the two of you agree on how to divide all the property up, you might have to brush off on your bartering skills. Some parting couples even opt to sell all the property at once and divide the profits. While that comfortable sofa and antique dresser might be in demand, the debt you two shared certainly won't be. A joint credit report deserves a good look as you and your lawyer(s) determine what's fair. As you distribute the debt, try to cap off whatever debt you currently have. Divorce is expensive and you want to deflate the financial burden as much as you can today. Again, more bartering may be in order here. Take on more debt in exchange for more assets, or vice versa. If you have an open mind and cooperate, you'll likely come to a fair divorce settlement. It's not unusual for a divorcing couple to split the debt right down the middle. Surprisingly, you're going to have some new tax issues to think about too. If you have dependents, which person will get that tax exemption from now on? Many other tax exemptions and deductibles that you probably took for granted as a married couple will need to be reevaluated after a divorce. Not to mention, child support and alimony! These issues are highly variable and personable but they are going to be big ones if you and your former spouse have children together. Men sometimes have great financial difficulties affording child support, but statistics show it's newly single mothers that have the most money problems. This is especially evident when a woman must suddenly afford childcare or is swept into a new work environment; kids typically must adjust to a lower standard of living, just like their parents, after a divorce. An entire family structure gets disrupted during a divorce and that has not only an effect on the personal relationships, but on the overall economic situation of all involved. And these financial issues are deep and complex and have enduring effects. The best advice for you, the soon-to-be-divorced, is to remind yourself the financial turmoil is only temporary and it can be dealt with the most adequately if you can keep your cool and think practically. While it's tempting, dividing up property and debt is probably not a time for vengeance or proving a point. The divorce will go quicker and more amicably if you try to stay as calm and rational as possible!

         
     
         
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