Navigation
  • Essay Webtraffic
  • Essay Google Adsense
  • Essay Random Articles
  • Essay Various
  • Essay Self Improvement Articles
  • Essay Articles Marketing1
  • Essay Accounting
  • Essay Acid reflux
  • Essay Acne
  • Essay Adsense
  • Essay Adult
  • Essay Advertising
  • Essay Adwareand spyware
  • Essay Aff10mar
  • Essay Affiliate
  • Essay Affiliate Marketing
  • Essay Affiliate Marketing On The Internet
  • Essay Affiliate Success
  • Essay Affiliate Marketers
  • Essay Affiliate Articles
  • Essay Affiliate Programs
  • Essay After School Activities
  • Essay Aikido
  • Essay Air Purifiers
  • Essay Air freight
  • Essay Air Purifiers
  • Essay Alternative energy
  • Essay Alternative Medicine
  • Essay American History
  • Essay Anger management
  • Essay Art Auctions
  • Essay ArticleMarketing
  • Essay Articles
  • Essay Articles Web Design
  • Essay Articles Marketing
  • Essay Articles
  • Essay Article Marketing
  • Essay Article Writing
  • Essay Artmarketing
  • Essay Arts Entertainment
  • Essay Aspen nightlife
  • Essay Aspen Nightlife
  • Essay Astrology
  • Essay Astronomy
  • Essay Atkins Diet
  • Essay Attraction
  • Essay ATV
  • Essay Auctions
  • Essay Audio Video Streaming
  • Essay Autism
  • Essay Auto Navigation Systems
  • Essay Auto Responders
  • Essay Auto sound systems
  • Essay Auto Leasing
  • Essay Autoresponders
  • Essay Aviation
  • Essay Babies
  • Essay Baby
  • Essay Back pain
  • Essay Backyard Activities
  • Essay Bargain Hunting
  • Essay Bathroom Remodeling
  • Essay Bathroom accessories
  • Essay BBQs
  • Essay Beach Vacations
  • Essay Beauty
  • Essay Biking
  • Essay Biography
  • Essay Black History
  • Essay Blog Marketing
  • Essay Blogging
  • Essay Blogs
  • Essay Bluetooth Technology
  • Essay Boarding
  • Essay Boating
  • Essay Boats
  • Essay Bodydetox
  • Essay Book Marketing
  • Essay Book Reviews
  • Essay Breast Feeding
  • Essay Breast Cancer
  • Essay Budgeting
  • Essay Burglar alarm
  • Essay Business
  • Essay Buying A Boat
  • Essay Buying Paintings
  • Essay California tan
  • Essay Camera bag
  • Essay Candle Making
  • Essay Car Rental
  • Essay Car Stereo
  • Essay Cardio
  • Essay Careers
  • Essay Carpet
  • Essay Cars
  • Essay Cats
  • Essay CD duplication
  • Essay Celebrities
  • Essay Cell Phone
  • Essay Child Care
  • Essay Choosing the Right Golf Clubs
  • Essay Christmas Shopping
  • Essay Cigars
  • Essay Closet Organizers
  • Essay Clothing
  • Essay Coaching
  • Essay Coffee
  • Essay Coin Collecting
  • Essay Colic
  • Essay College
  • Essay College Scholarship
  • Essay Colon Cancer
  • Essay Communications
  • Essay COMPUTER GAMES & SYSTEMS
  • Essay COMPUTERS, LAPTOPS, SMARTPHONES
  • Essay Computers Technology
  • Essay Computer Certification
  • Essay Consumer Electronics
  • Essay Contact Lenses
  • Essay Cooking
  • Essay Copywriting
  • Essay Corporate gifts
  • Essay Crafts
  • Essay Crafts articles
  • Essay Craigslist
  • Essay Creating an online business
  • Essay Creativity
  • Essay Credit
  • Essay Credit Card
  • Essay Credit Cards
  • Essay Credit score
  • Essays Credit Cards
  • Essay Credit Card Debt
  • Essay Criminology
  • Essay Cruise Ships
  • Essay Cruises
  • Essay Currency Trading
  • Essay Customer Service
  • Essay Dance
  • Essays Data Recovery
  • Essay Data Recovery
  • Essay Dating
  • Essay Dating Women
  • Essay Debt
  • Essay Debt Consolidation
  • Essay Decorating for Christmas
  • Essay Dental
  • Essay Dental Assistant
  • Essay Depression
  • Essay Destinations
  • Essay Diabetes
  • Essay Diamonds
  • Essay Diesel VS Gasoline vehicles
  • Essay Dieting
  • Essay Digital Camera
  • Essay Digital photography
  • Essay Digital Cameras
  • Essays Digital cameras
  • Essay Digital Products
  • Essay Disease Illness
  • Essay Disneyland
  • Essay Divorce
  • Essay Divorce rebuild life
  • Essay Dogs
  • Essay Domains
  • Essay EBay
  • Essay Ebooks
  • Essay Ecommerce
  • Essay Education
  • Essay Elderly Care
  • Essay Elliptical trainers
  • Essay Email Marketing
  • Essay Emergency preparation
  • Essay Entrepreneurs
  • Essay Environmental
  • Essay Writing
  • Essay Ethics
  • Essay Eventplanning
  • Essay Excavation Equipment
  • Essay Exercise
  • Essay Extra Income
  • Essay Extreme
  • Essay Ezine Marketing
  • Essay Ezine Publishing
  • Essay Family Budget
  • Essay Fashion
  • Essay Fashion school
  • Essay Feng shui
  • Essay Finance
  • Essay Finance and insurance
  • Essay Fishing
  • Essay Fitness
  • Essay Fitness Equipment
  • Essay Food Beverage
  • Essay Forex
  • Essay Formula D Racing
  • Essay Forums
  • Essay Fruit Trees
  • Essays Fruit Trees
  • Essay Fundraising
  • Essay Gambling
  • Essay Gambling Casinos
  • Essay Games
  • Essay Garage Remodeling
  • Essay Gardening
  • Essay General
  • Essay Goal Setting
  • Essay Golden Retriever
  • Essays Golden Retriever
  • Essay Golf
  • Essay Google Sense
  • Essays Google Adsense
  • Essay Gourmet
  • Essay Government
  • Essay Grief
  • Essay Hair Loss
  • Essay Happiness
  • Essay Hardware
  • Essay Health
  • Essay Health Articles Pack
  • Essay Healthy Aging
  • Essay Healthy Eating
  • Essay Health Fitness
  • Essay Health Insurance articles
  • Essay High Definition Video Cameras
  • Essay High Definition Video Cameras
  • Essay Hiking and Camping
  • Essay Hobbies
  • Essay Hobby Articles
  • Essay Holiday Games Activities
  • Essays Holiday Games Activities
  • Essay Holidays
  • Essay Home and constructions
  • Essay Home decorating
  • Essay Home Schooling
  • Essay Home Security
  • Essay Home Theater Systems
  • Essay Home Theater
  • Essay Homeschooling
  • Essay Home Security
  • Essay Home Based Business
  • Essay Home Entertainment
  •  
    Free Essay
    9 of 10 on the basis of 3726 Review.
     

     

     

     

     

     

         
     
    Another dracula another flop

     

    This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper. If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it. In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin. Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant. The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula? As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.

         
    Apple sued over logo by apple farmer

     

    Apple Computer, having recently won a suit brought by Apple Rrecords, the company founded by the Beatles, was surprised to find itself immediately dragged back into court to face a challenge by an incensed New York apple farmer. “What do these boys mean,” the farmer went on, “claiming they own a picture of an apple with a bite out of it?” Gesturing to his acres of apple blossoms, he continued, “My father started this here apple orchard over a hundred years ago, and we’ve had a picture of an apple with a bite out of it on the side of our roadside farm stand for nigh onto seventy-five years. As far as I’m concerned, these Silicon Valley slickers have infringed on my copyright and on the rights of apple growers everywhere.” Apple CEO Steve Jobs responded, “I hope we can put this suit behind us, because we’ve always loved apple farmers. In all honesty, I admit we didn’t invent an apple with a bite taken out of it. It’s one of our least original ideas. That’s why we always have to defend it. If I had it to do over again, I would have picked a more unusual fruit, like a Kiwi or maybe a Start fruit.” The farmer was not pacified, insisting, “When I get done with these cagy fellers, they’ll be sorry they ever set eyes on an apple.”

         
    April fool s trick

     

    One of the best and funniest April Fool’s tricks was invented and played by me last year. I should say that my friend and me used to make fun of each other regularly on April Fool’s Day with varying success. That is my friend was on his guard and knew he should be ready for my dirty tricks, which made the task almost impossible to carry out. Last year not long before April Fool’s Day Andrey returned from Canada, where he’d been on a business trip (both of us work as translators of English for one company but on different floors). On April 1st I called Andrey, having arranged beforehand that the telephone girl should interrupt our conversation in a couple of minutes and say that Mr. Andrey Polyarov has a call from Canada. After that she put him through with another telephone in our room, and I quickly answered it. I should say that to change my voice and create the effect of “long-distance call” I wrapped the blower with a sweater and made use of loud speaker instead of receiver. A lot of people were standing still around me, excited that Andrey might recognize my voice. But their fears were groundless – he had no smallest piece of suspicion! I started speaking in English, my voice being loud and very formal: --Is this Mr. Andrey Polyarov? Andrey, a little anxious, replies: --Yes, this is me? Who am I talking to? --This is “Otrinto” company, where on March 11th you ordered two commercial vending machines of a total value of 3,141 Canadian dollars… - But I haven’t ordered any vending machines… - Excuse me, is this Mr. Polyarov? - Yes, this is me, but I haven’t ordered any vending machines, and I’m not going to pay anything. – Andrey was starting to lose his patience. I went on insisting… - I’m sorry but I have an order with your signature. By the way I remember you pretty well – you’re a Russian, stout, baldish, speaking with accent, right? - Right! But I repeat that I haven’t ordered these fucken vending machines… - Sir, I should warn you that in case on non-payment within a reasonable time we’ll have to bring a legal action! Andrey finally lost his temper, started yelling that he never knew any “Otrinto” company, never ordered anything and that I could stick my vending machines up my ass… The audience in our room couldn’t suppress a laugh, every word from underneath the sweater resulted in a burst of Homeric laughter. I was chuckling myself and couldn’t speak and play my role anymore. I tried to clear the air. - Andrey, this is me, Denis, April Fool! – but it was vain. Andrey was shouting that he knew no Denis. He wasn’t even realizing that I was speaking Russian to him… Of course I could go on further, providing Andrey with the details of his appearance, passport number, address… That’s what I had planned actually, but as I say it was absolutely impossible as my last words weren’t pronounced but were gurgling through the choking laughter.

         
    Audit report on katrina debit cards some recipients swam in champagne

     

    A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too. Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA. Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following: A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry. An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic. Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill. Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600. Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.” The auditors concluded that such purchases were "not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs." Greg Kutz, a GAO forensic auditor, said one "fraudster" way up in West Virginia received a rental assistance check by using the address of a cemetery in New Orleans. Another application, employing a vacant lot as an address, found favor in FEMA for a payment of $2,358 in rental assistance. The relief organization also paid $8,000 and then $5,000 more, in a double-dip into rental assistance, to help a long-suffering recipient survive at a resort hotel in Honolulu. The GAO also found that FEMA lost track of 750 debit cards, worth a total of $1.5 million. As a result of the debit-card debacle, FEMA itself has been scheduled to receive federal disaster relief.

         
    Avant garde composer creates new piece called making popcorn

     

    An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.” The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance. Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt. When the machine was “tuned,” the composer entered to conduct his own work. Taking the podium, he raised his baton and the machine was switched on. When the first kernel popped, he gave a firm downbeat and then continued to conduct as the kernels popped away. The piece concluded when all the popcorn had contributed its sound. In an interview prior to the concert, the composer told us, “It’s a new piece for percussion. As you know, there have been more additions to the percussion of the orchestra than to any other one. Take, for instance, the brake drum and the ratchet, which is really just a noisemaker. My hope is that the success of my new piece will make the popcorn machine a standard ingredient of the symphony orchestra.” “Would you consider it to be a tuned or an untuned percussion instrument,” we asked, indulging the wayward simpleton. “I’m not sure yet,” he told us. “While the individual pops do have different pitches, they’re impossible to control.” After savoring the performance, this observer began to long for the once-scandalous composition by John Cage, called 4'33", in which, as you probably know, a pianist enters, sits down at the piano for four minutes and thirty-three seconds,, and does absolutely nothing. Then he gets up and exits. Who would have though a concert would come when one reconsidered Cage's work an instance of generous reticence?

         
    Baby boomers moderate exercise notice scarcity of seniors in marathons

     

    Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints. As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines. Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon. He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth. He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room. Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did. She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation. Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon. As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude. As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.” This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”

         
    Basketball for short people basket to be lowered

     

    Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain. Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people. Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it. In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner. When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers. For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.

         
    Bat ejection techniques country survival course 27

     

    People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. “Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,” friends say. Liars! Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different surroundings. No way am I the only person this is happening to! I’ll believe the annual summer bat inundation isn’t a part of normal life when butter is fat free and Smucky’s Electric gets back to me with that wiring estimate they promised just prior to the Mammoth die off. One of my sisters in particular gets a kick out of telling people I am a witch attracting bats to my home like anorexics migrating to the Cannes Film Festival. She does it to be ornery – a competitive sport in my family. Of course, I could get even by pointing out right here in my very public essay that she is my OLDER sister by a DECADE. However, I am too peaceable and well centered for such adolescent behavior. Besides, you are here to learn another fine country skill – the Bat Ejection Technique (BET). Lesson 1 – Why BET Rural dwellers should all master BETs. Realtors will never admit to the Coloptera inundation plaguing the West. Property values would tumble! Amidst all this denial, a seamy cover-up has formed. Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are burned at country BBQs and members of the Society of the Dead Elk deliver bat traps to farms under cover of darkness. As my town’s resident City Idiot, I chose to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught to deal properly with winged rodentia, both will suffer. Bats will be ‘baseballed’ into walls with brooms. If not, Cidiot homes will overflow with wiggling blankets of screeching critters. Folks will be driven back to the burbs in droves. Quite selfishly - I need newbies to stay in the country. Please don’t leave me alone out here! Take notes. Lesson 2 - History of the BET For whatever reasons bats enter homes in pairs. My hypothesis is; one holds the dog door open while the other flies through and vise versa. Attempts to document this behavior have been hampered by the presence of innumerable dogs kissing my eyes shut when I stake out the laundry room floor. Nonetheless, like bats to Noah’s ark, they arrive by twos. Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors dispelled unwanted intruders with the pacifistic Zero Interference Technique (ZIT). For a true ZIT open all windows and doors and cower on the floor waiting for the bats to fly back out. I researched the effectiveness of this method at my first country home. There are three problems with this technique: Bats never leave as easily as they enter. A person could learn Arabic before the ZIT clears matters up. Heat leaves houses quite quickly resulting in cold ZITs. Bats tend to turn up in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side effect of ZITs. Lesson 3 – Modernization Athletic newbies frequently combine the open window/door approach of a ZIT with a more proactive approach. They jump around with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats outside. This is the Comforter Herding Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET take two people. Even then CHETs are hard. Bats do not know they shouldn’t fly around the blanket. The technique is rendered totally ineffective when your husband, who is suppose to hold the opposite side of the blanket, does a “stop, drop and roll” every time he spots a bat from thirty yards away. At night neighbors can see you, but not the bat. So there you are running amuck in your PJs. The doors and windows are wide open as you spiraling over furniture with your flag-like fabric in tow. Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is having what is apparently some version of repeating epileptic seizures. And you, you cold-hearted bitch, you just keep on dancing. Lesson 4 – BET Evolution Bat invasion number three of year number two was a turning point for me. For some bizarre reason I was washing the morning dishes. We must have been out of coffee. Obviously I was not quick-witted enough to get out of dish duty. Suddenly, I heard the high-pitched chatter of a bat straight over my head. The space over my cabinets is where all my gigantic jelly-making kettles are poised. Grabbing the step stool, I hovered near and listened. Something was in my stoneware – dark, like a cave, the crafty little bugger. Please, don’t let it get airborne. I have to go to town this morning, I thought. There was no time for the traditional CHET dance. My cerebral light bulb clicked on. Hey, It’s easier to catch bats when they aren’t moving. A Nobel Prize for would be mine. Apparently washing dishes has some net value after all. I slid a plate over the stoneware rim and took my captive out side. Plate removed, an upside-down shake and plop. The bat was on the ground. I watched for a moment making sure my son’s devil cat did not turn up. Finally, the bat orientated itself and flew off with chatter. Dam, I’m good, I mused. Then I turned and took two steps towards the door. Gasp! Leap! Curse! Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes took over. I went for a field goal. Another bat had been in the jar. Curse! Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos, always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my foot - it was all to early. First dishes, then this. The traumatized bat landed several feet away. It took a good five minutes before the winged menace recovered enough to fly off. Headed for town, I left a note for my son. “Finish the dishes.” Lesson 5 – BET Mastery I learned two things that morning. First, generic dish soap sucks. Second, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. Chasing them in flight is a fool’s game. In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees, had attempted to point this out earlier that spring. Hearing one of the midnight riots, I ordered all my dogs out. There was no need to look for the cause. I knew by then what the combination of barking and a synchronized chase meant at 1 a. m. Ho hum, more bats in the house. The other dogs complied. Sam however stood there looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty. Anyone who owns a Pyrenees knows this is their natural state. Just as I demanded, “Samuel, go!” I spotted the diminutive little wing sticking out from under his massive front paw. Here Mom, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. He is a genius! BET Summary Grab a teacup or the aquarium net and a saucer Wait for a landing Cup/net over the Bat Saucer or magazine carefully slid under Out the door it goes Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in bed before the underwear-clad epileptic knows your gone. You can BET on it.

         
    Bathroom palacial

     

    I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead, I saved mine and each morning before leaving the room slipped it back on the toilet seat, giving the impression I never used it. After day five of this I could only imagine the maid’s reaction. Staring, she said, “What are you, some kind of a lizard?” To me, bathrooms are like Greek temples, made of stone and cool marble, reassuring, serene, little worlds of their own, a place of refuge, shut away from the world and its problems. Such places thus earn the more dignified name of “rest room.” For example, if you hate your dead-end job, and you share a communal bathroom down the hall with the employees of other companies in the building, chances are you’ll spend more time here than you should, away from a threatening, dishonest boss, ringing phones and mountains of paperwork. I admit I’m selfish. When I use the communal john, I want it all to myself---alone. I also don’t want my imitation Greek temple sullied. Therefore, I never perform major bodily functions here (the only time I ever did I was sick). There’s this guy. Every morning at 8:45 a. m. he’s seated on the throne. Now, I fully know this is not a common subject for a column, and I don’t want you to think I’m strange. But I’m truly curious about this guy, perplexed, baffled, whatever. Since it’s only 8:45 in the morning, he can’t have been at work very long, not much more than an hour. Why can’t he hold it longer? Why can’t he do his disgusting business at home before he comes to work? What does he do, process food like a goose? Now, we all drink coffee, which I admit goes through you pretty fast. So I’m not against use of the john for small calls of nature. But I’m thinking of posting a sign, which reads, “This Facility Used for Minimal Body Functions Only.” Don’t foul my Greek temple with your digesting bowels. More bathroom palacial. Bathrooms like restaurants should be rated in travel books as to how good they are. For instance, we’ve all seen gas station bathrooms in truck stops on Labor Day where the unflushed facility hasn’t been cleaned and the globs of stuff in there are so putrid you think they may reach out and grab you. Such places assign us lower on the scale of evolution. Disgusting! Then there are bathrooms like the one I saw at Pebble Beach Resort. The heart soars. You could eat off the floor. Little, moist cloth towels hanging from silver trays for cleaning your hands. Embossed toilet paper. Gleaming brass and silver fixtures. A dream come true. I was in tears. © Copyright 2004 by SammonSays

         
    Beginners guide to the internet

     

    : Recent studies have shown that there are now well over one hundred websites available on the computernet. This puts it second only to ceefax as a useful source of information. Monkey Empire has rounded up the best of these sites, ones which enhance the life of real people like you, not the spotty bearded freaks that you picked on at school for being computerboys or nerdnspellgirls, no real people who go out and drink alcoholic sugar liquid in crowded town bars and watch soap operas and need to have their behaviour validated by weekly publications littering the news stands like so much used bog-roll. Well this is a virtual equivalent of those c-list simpering shitfests so let me validate your fucking behaviour, that's right I'll tell you where to go and what to fucking do because it will keep you the fuck away from me so that I can continue my work in peace. And when my work is done holy dong you'll know about it. I'll be the god damn mayor of London. Anyway here are the top 5: Google Founded in 1923 the Google Corporation originally produced radiator hoses and casino chips before entering the lucrative internet search market in 1997. Google is like a thesaurus, simply type in words and it will give you a list of related words from inside your computer and beyond. People who are good at Google (known as Hardcore Googlists) have even discovered that some of these words open up whole new websites, and sometimes even pictures. Google is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on google you really can, may the force be with you". eBay eBay shot to fame in 1999 when that chick that is really a witch in Buffy the Vampire Slayer managed to buy a special kettle that contained a genie that would save the world from the online auction site. Whilst you yourself may not be so lucky you will be able to get a bargain on the dvd of that very same episode, or maybe some new brasswork for your front door, or a ninja turtle action figure that you have never forgiven your parents for not buying for you when you were 12 years old. Adventurous types may even wish to try selling items that they no longer have use for. eBay is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on eBay you really can, may the force be with you". The BBCThe Beeb, good old Auntie, The British Broadcasting Corporation, no longer the stuffy 2 channel black and white tv monolith that doesn't start until midday and finishes with the national anthem at teatime oh no the Beeb has been forced to get with the times and after collecting your money and throwing it in a big pile for approximately 60 years when the internet bubble came bouncing along the BBC was ready. It is now estimated that 87% of all internet sites are part of the BBC, this is in addition to their 167 digital TV channels, 2 radio stations and their Sandwich Toaster fast food chain. You give them money so that a bunch of London-blinkered new media tosspots can tell you what to do and you wouldn't have it any other way. The BBC is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "the BBC puts food on my table, it really does, may the force be with you". MySpaceThe fact that you've made it this far down a Beginners Guide probably means you think that making a wonderful informative website such as this one is beyond your meagre skills. We don't hold that against you, you probably know more about footy or booking holidays in high street travel agents than us, takes all sorts doesn't it really. Well not any more, MySpace is the great leveller, the democratisation of the internet, now anyone can stick their photo online and surround it with flickering animated hearts floating across a purple background with yellow text talking about how you like to go out, watch telly and listen to music. Or maybe you are part of a subculture and you want your page to feature crunchy guitar music on a black background with pictures of you heavily made up to look like a vampire porn-star. Actually though MySpace is a game, you see other MySpace users can make virtual friends and then their picture appears under the "friends" list on your page. The game is to get your face on as many MySpace pages as possible, the one with the most displayed photos at the end of space and time wins and gets to become a baron of the afterlife. So don't get left behind, get on MySpace, get flirting and ego massaging and exchanging naked pictures with people who's age you can't be sure about or you might regret it for eternity and then some. MySpace is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "I've got 28 friends already I really have, may the force be with you".

         
    Berlosconi gets plate of spaghetti in face

     

    Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face. As you no doubt have read, he lost a narrow race to a left-of-center challenger, who the deep-pocketed Berlusconi outspent many times over. Although Berlusconi continues to contest the vote, the Italian court ruled in favor of his opponent. Since Mr. Berlusconi seemed to bring a bit of spice to Italian politics and will now be replaced by a relatively bland serving of leadership, one cannot help but feel some remorse at his departure from the generally pallid troupe on the current stage of world politics. One would think that an apparently bright guy like Silvio would know that a penchant for provocative speech and sartorial splendor are two of the most likely ways to inspire the average voter to take him down a peg. Apparently, being the effective but humble servant of the citizenry is not his cup of espresso. Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat. So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.

         
    Bill clinton in secret talks with hillary agrees to run for vice president

     

    Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate. In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President. But, since I’ll be back in the White House, I decided I would rather have more to keep myself busy than just being America’s First Man." So, as 2008 draws nigh and the inevitable blizzard of questions to her on who she hopes to name as her running mate go discreetly unanswered, just remember you heard it here first that the resourceful husband and wife team plan to make another run for the White House. Given the current state of America’s feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually a very high likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. Only this time we would, of course, have President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Bill Clinton. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread, while they reach out with hopeful hands for the now-flirtatious Rudy or the ever-coy Jeb.

         
    Bill gates to devote life to charity make money and you can too

     

    Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education. His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speaker’s generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesn’t somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is? Like it or not, today’s world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth. So if you want to influence the ways of this outrageously necessitous world, consider the stark truth that all power springs from the opening in a fat wallet. It's called the economic basis of society but, in its current incarnation, in debilitating excess. When we were recent graduates, we were not aware of such an uncompromising reality and passed up at least two opportunities to make megabucks because we wanted to preserve our mental energy to expend it toward the achievement of our ideals. Had we been wiser, we would have set aside a few years to stuff our pockets with power and then, like Mr. Gates, have spent the rest of our days placidly pursuing those still-inspiriting ideals. So we find ourselves, from our own experience, in the unlikely role of advising the most idealistic to enable their altruism by involving themselves, initially, in the activity they undoubtedly are convinced is not the most inviting. Then, should you be fortunate enough to enable your financial independence, you may, like Mr. Gates, head off into full-time devotion to your undoubtedly meritorious idealisms. Well, the speech probably would not have been one that would have inspired the administration to invite us back or that the students would have received with endorsement, but the sharp glass on the road through economic necessity is a fact not lightly to be dismissed. Ignore it and you may step on it with painful frequency.

         
    Bin laden releases another audiotape hideout too dark for video

     

    Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him. Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera and battery-powered lights. Since he long delighted to display his narcissistic self and give voice to his lamentable disjunction with informed thought, we assume that either he is not currently in possession of a video camera or that he is hunkered down in a hideout that is too dark to shoot anything but firearms. It cannot be that he is afraid a video will reveal his location, because he always has the option of hanging the same kind of chintzy curtain behind him that his original second in medieval misguidance, Aman al-Zawahiri, uses when he comes out of the cave long enough for his eyes to adjust to the light to make an inflammatory video, with, we’ve noticed, production values that are on about the same level as a commercial for a discount chain that’s struggling to get foothold in a Mexican border town. The only condition is, upon receipt of the equipment, OBL has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it. We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for the worldwide display of his long-cramped ego, because, at last report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have twenty-seven virgins. Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time has done very little reflection on what it’s really like to have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with virgins. He needn’t be excessively concerned about these impossible complications, however, because, as linguistic analysis has sometime ago revealed, the Arabic word for virgin may also mean grape, depending on whether or not it occurs with a grave. It appears that, in the particular context in which he has applied it to assure the ready suicide of fellow but somewhat more imbecilic emanations from The Dark Ages, the meaning is 27 grapes. So the mad, mad Muslims slammed into our World Trade Center – which was, in fact, a mutual treasure of the human race, erected to facilitate worldwide economic competence and development – and incinerated nearly three thousand of our beloved, hard-working and comparatively normal people did it to reap imaginary rewards they could have picked up at a fruit market. Meanwhile, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, his lackey who’s not an Iraqi, did his boss in absentia one better. Spiffily attired in black as a cool enemy of humanity, he rattled on with the same ill-informed drivel he and his mentor have both become wanted for, even by their own people. Ah, what a toll we must pay for the deadly duo of ignorance and backwardness! Witness the unconscionable bombing in the Egyptian resort of Dahab, apparently timed to follow OBL’s latest audio-only pontification. How do people who have no feeling for their fellow human beings expect anyone to do anything but excoriate and execute them? Somebody ought to tell them that fellow-feeling is actually the major sentiment that makes the human race worthy of its own continuance upon this blessed but blighted earth. As for OBL, when will some real-life Indiana Jones find out where he is hiding, so we can finally give the misguided pest his overdue rest?

         
    Bin laden sighted in karachi may turn self in

     

    Reports of Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway. The woman's suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio. So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be. “Are you all right?” she asked, with demur innocence. “No,” he said. “How can I be all right? Besides just cracking my head on this low doorway, I’m Osama Bin Laden.” “Really?” she replied, thinking of the $25-million reward for turning him in, as well as her opportunity to contribute to the triumph of justice. “Yes” he went on. “I haven’t been all right since I fled Tora Bora, because it’s even hard for me to get out long enough to make my audiotapes.” “My, oh, my,” the woman commiserated, “Everybody thinks you’re in the remote regions near the Afghan border.” “You’d think they’d know better,” he confided. “How could a spoiled rich boy like me live this long without some of the comforts only a city can provide, like a dialysis machine to keep me alive, and takeout food.” “That makes sense,” she agreed. “Yes, it does, but there’s no danger the authorities will figure out where I am, because every time I record a tape, we filter out the sounds of the city, like horns and sirens.” “That’s very clever,” she said. “You’d think that when they see the tapes are filtered they might guess you’re in a place where there are background sounds.” “Let’s just hope they don’t catch on. I don’t want them to take away from my next surprise move.” “Oh, a surprise move,” she exclaimed. “Want to tell me about it?” “No,” he told her, “because then it won’t be a surprise anymore. But just watch. I’m not going to slink around Karachi forever. I long for metropolitan delights in the more developed capitals of the world. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my recording session is due to start.” Then he waved goodbye and reentered the doorway, this time remembering to duck. The woman, excited to shortness of breath, went straight to the nearest police station and reported her astonishing interaction. Police immediately launched a Karachi-wide search for Bin Laden, vowing to pursue him as part of their apparently somewhat porous terrorist dragnet. They were, however, shocked when the very next day, Bin Laden called police headquarters and offered to turn himself in. When asked why he had made the decision, when the police, many of whom are devout Muslims, were doing their utmost to help him evade capture, he replied, “I can’t stand it any longer. Hiding out every day, afraid to go outside for fear of getting into a conversation with a stranger who might report me, and having to spend all my time with my four wives, when I could be sitting in a topless club in America, like the martyrs I sent to fly planes into American buildings were doing shortly before their great sacrifice. Worse yet, one of my wives told me I may have misinterpreted The Koran, because, she reminded me, 'Islam' means peace. Praise be to God I didn't, or I'll have to turn myself in. ” “Well, if you insist,” the police told him. “I’ll let you know for sure in a day or two,” Osama replied, “I don’t want to do it and then regret it later, especially at the moment I’m being hanged.” “That’s very understandable, revered sheik,” the Pakistani police officer replied. Then he added a reassurance that would undoubtedly have infuriated Pakistani President Musharaff, his much wiser leader and devoted American ally in the war on terror. “We must scour the city for you. Before you hang up, tell us your address, so we make sure to avoid it.”

         
     
         
    Essay Service
  • Essay Home Family
  • Essay Home Improvement
  • Essay Home Security
  • Essay Horse racing
  • Essay Hosting
  • Essay Humanities
  • Essay Humor
  • Essay Hunting
  • Essay Hybrid car
  • Essay Hypoallergenic dogs
  • Essay Improve personal life
  • Essay Innovation
  • Essay Inspirational
  • Essay Insurance
  • Essay Interior Design
  • Essay International Airports
  • Essay Internet security
  • Essay Internet Marketing
  • Essay Internet Business
  • Essays Internet Marketing
  • Essay Investing
  • Essay Investment Basics
  • Essay Ipod Video
  • Essay Ireland golf vacation
  • Essay Jewelry
  • Essay Jewelry Wholesale
  • Essay Job Search
  • Essay Junior golf
  • Essay K 12 Education
  • Essay Kitchen
  • Essay Kitchen Remodeling
  • Essays Kitchen Remodeling
  • Essay Koi
  • Essay La Jolla California
  • Essay Landscaping
  • Essay Language
  • Essay Las Vegas
  • Essay Law
  • Essay Leadership
  • Essay Leasing
  • Essay Legal
  • Essay Leukemia
  • Essay Loans
  • Essay Low cholesterol
  • Essay Making Money With Articles
  • Essay Male menopause
  • Essay Management
  • Essay Marketing
  • Essay Marketing PLR
  • Essay Marketing Your Business On The Internet
  • Essay Marriage
  • Essay Martial Arts
  • Essays Martial Arts
  • Essay Writing Martial Arts
  • Essay Medicine
  • Essay Meditation
  • Essay Membership Sites
  • Essay Men s Issues
  • Essay Mesothelioma
  • Essay Mexico Vacations
  • Essay Microbrews
  • Essay Mini Blinds or Wood Shutters
  • Essay MLM
  • Essay Mobile A V
  • Essay Mobility scooters
  • Essay Monograms
  • Essay Mortgage
  • Essay Motivation
  • Essay Motor Homes
  • Essay Motorcycles
  • Essay Motorcycles and Scooters
  • Essay Mountain Biking
  • Essay Movies
  • Essay Movie Reviews
  • Essay Moving
  • Essay Moving overseas
  • Essay Movinghouse
  • Essay Multiple Sclerosis
  • Essay Muscle Building
  • Essay Music
  • Essay Music Reviews
  • Essay Mutual Funds
  • Essay Myspace
  • Essay Networking
  • Essay Networks
  • Essay New Air Travel Rules
  • Essay New Years Eve Party Planning
  • Essay New York
  • Essays New York
  • Essay NewAirTravelRules
  • Essay Newport Beach
  • Essay New Years Eve Party Planning
  • Essay Niche Marketing
  • Essay Nursing Assistant
  • Essay Nutrition
  • Essay Office Chairs
  • Essay Online Dating General
  • Essay Online Dating Man
  • Essay Online Dating Woman
  • Essay Online Shopping
  • Essay Opt In List
  • Essays Opt In List
  • Essay Organizing
  • Essay Outdoors
  • Essay Outsourcing
  • Essay Outsourcing Ebooks and Software Jobs
  • Essay Ovarian Cancer
  • Essay Paint Ball
  • Essay Parenting
  • Essay Parentingskills
  • Essay Paris
  • Essay Personal Loans
  • Essay Personal Finance
  • Essay Pet health care
  • Essay Pets
  • Essay PH Miracle Diet
  • Essay Philosophy
  • Essay Photography
  • Essay Playstation3
  • Essay PLC AffiliateMarketing
  • Essay Podcasting
  • Essay Podcasts
  • Essay Poetry
  • Essay Politics
  • Essay Politics Commentary
  • Essay Politics Current Events
  • Essay Politics History
  • Essay Pool Accessories
  • Essay Porsche
  • Essay Power Tools
  • Essay PPC
  • Essay PPC Advertising
  • Essay Pre Paid Legal
  • Essay Pregnancy
  • Essay Private Jet Charters
  • Essay Private Label Resell Rights
  • Essay Private Yacht Charters
  • Essay Private investigation
  • Essays Private Label Resell Rights
  • Essay Product Reviews
  • Essay Prostate Cancer
  • Essay Psychology
  • Essay Public Relations
  • Essay Public Speaking
  • Essay Rawfood
  • Essay RC Hobbies
  • Essay Rc car
  • Essay Re Financing
  • Essay Real Estate
  • Essay Real Estatearticles
  • Essay Real Estate
  • Essay Recipes
  • Essay Recreation Sports
  • Essay Reference
  • Essay Reference Education
  • Essay Relationships
  • Essay Religion
  • Essay Remote control helicopters
  • Essay Renting A House Or Apartment
  • Essay Retirement Planning
  • Essay RSS
  • Essay Running
  • Essay RVs
  • Essay Sales
  • Essay San Diego
  • Essay San Fransisco
  • Essay Satellite Radio
  • Essay Science
  • Essay Scotch
  • Essay Seattle
  • Essay Security
  • Essay Self Improvement Articles
  • Essay Self Help
  • Essay Self Improvement
  • Essays Self Improvement
  • Essay Sell Your House
  • Essay SEO
  • Essay Sexuality
  • Essay Shoes
  • Essay Show Business
  • Essay Site Promotion
  • Essay Ski vacations
  • Essay Skiing Locations
  • Essay Skincare
  • Essay Skin Cancer
  • Essay Sk Vacations
  • Essay Sleepingbaby
  • Essay Small Business
  • Essay Snoring
  • Essay Snoring remedy
  • Essay Snowboarding
  • Essay Snowmobiling
  • Essay Social Networking
  • Essay Society
  • Essay Sociology
  • Essay Software
  • Essay Spam
  • Essay Spirituality
  • Essay Sports
  • Essay Sports Car
  • Essay Sports coaching articles
  • Essay St. Thomas Vacations
  • Essay Stock Market
  • Essay Stress Management
  • Essays St Thomas Vacations
  • Essay Success
  • Essay Summer Vacations
  • Essay Supercross Racing
  • Essay Supplements
  • Essay Surround Sound
  • Essay Swimming Pools
  • Essay Tattoos
  • Essay Tax attorney
  • Essay Taxes
  • Essay Tech gadgets
  • Essay Teeth whitening
  • Essay Tennis
  • Essay Terrier dogs
  • Essay Thanksgiving Party Articles
  • Essay Theater Arts
  • Essay Time Share Investments
  • Essay Time Management
  • Essay Toothache and Tooth Care
  • Essay Top Golfing Accessories
  • Essay Tracking Software
  • Essay Trafficand SEO
  • Essay Traffic Generation
  • Essay Travel Tips To European Countries
  • Essay Travel Leisure
  • Essay Travel Tips
  • Essay Trucks SUVS
  • Essay Universal Studio Tours
  • Essay Vacations
  • Essay Vacuum Cleaners
  • Essay Valentines Day
  • Essay Vehicles
  • Essay Video Sites
  • Essay Video streaming
  • Essay VideoSites
  • Essay Vitamins
  • Essay Vitamins and Supplements
  • Essay WAHM
  • Essay Wart Removal
  • Essay Wealth Building
  • Essay Weather
  • Essay Web Design
  • Essay Web Traffic
  • Essay Web Design
  • Essay Web Development
  • Essay Web Hosting
  • Essay Wedding Favors
  • Essay Wedding Games Activities
  • Essay Weddings
  • Essay Weight Loss
  • Essays Weight Loss
  • Essay Wine
  • Essay Wine And Spirits
  • Essay Women s Issues
  • Essay Writing
  • Essay Writing Speaking
  • Essay YEAR OF CONTENT
  • Essay Yoga
  • Essay YouTube
  •  
    Free Essay
    different between Adwareand spyware | garment accessories | gament accessories | accessories | Arts | domoniterisation paragraph | MONICA ASHLEY | apina hrbek | easy essay on the topic of Demonitisation | anything | essay on importance of demonitisation | write a paragraph on demonitisation | paragrapha on demonitisation | Demonitisation eassy word easy | a short paragraph on demonitisation | paragraph of demonitisation | argumentative essay on demonitisation | short paragraph on demonitisation | demonitisation eassy | demonetisation drive eassy point to point | fullopin tube kise kahte h | Essay on demonitisation for college student | eassy on demonitisation | short eassy on demonitisation | college essay about "demonitisation" | bhujangasan eassy | steroid hormones kise khte hai? | Demonitisation short paragraph | car danting kise kahte hai | demonitisation and student life essay
     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     
     
     
      Free Essay Archive BloguinHos