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    Free Essay
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    Misspelled scriptures

     

    One way to confirm that cyberspace is the great equalizer is to observe the quality of editing that exists ... I am truly amazed at the mangling endured by the English language on a significant number of sites. It's fair to assume that this malady has its roots in short attention spans during the school years. As a result, accuracy is often the first victim of poor spelling and grammar. Still, if we're going to cite examples of this averral, let's do it with a touch of humor. Here are some responses by younger students from a secular school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words are unedited: "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off." "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree." "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark." "Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears." "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night." "The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unwympathetic Genitals." "Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah." "Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles." "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients." "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments." "The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple." "The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery." "Moses died before he ever reached Canada." "Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol." "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him." "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times." "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta." "When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption." "St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head." "Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you." "He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'" "It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance." "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels." "The epistles were the wives of the apostles." "One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan." "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage." Now, while we pause for a moment to wonder which of these authors will be filling our prescriptions and writing our wills when they reach adulthood, let's also consider that some of them could have a great future in punditry. Here's a likely candidate: "A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony." Ba-da-boom ... or however a rimshot is spelled.

         
    Money saving tricks for creating halloween treats

     

    Whether you plan to take the kids trick-or-treating or have a large-scale party, there are many creative ways to make this Halloween unforgettable. Creating your own Halloween essentials is a great way to have a unique celebration while saving money. Perfect Glue, a great resource for family-friendly Halloween projects, offers these simple money - and time-saving tips for a frighteningly fun night. * Host a pre-Halloween party. Gather with friends and family to create Halloween decorations. The quality time spent together is priceless and creates cherished memories. * Add flair to costumes. Make your own costumes or costume accessories for you and your family. A pumpkin goodie bag, for example, is a fun item that trick-or-treaters will proudly carry. To make a pumpkin goodie bag, you'll need orange, black, yellow and white felt, ribbon, scissors, a white pencil and Perfect Glue 1. Begin by tracing a pumpkin onto orange felt and cutting out two layers. Apply the Perfect Glue around the edges and glue the layers together, leaving the top open. Cut pumpkin face features out of the black, white and yellow felt. Glue the pieces onto the front. Finally, cut two long ribbons for the handles and glue to the inside of the bag. Let the bag dry for at least one hour before allowing the treats to flow inside. * Design ghoulishly delightful home decor. Create an outstanding tablescape using eye-catching candy holders and terror-ific trees with branches filled with spiders and skulls. Make ornaments out of felt in the shape of traditional Halloween symbols - pumpkins, black cats and ghosts, for instance. As an added touch, stuff each ornament with candy or other fun keepsakes.

         
    Montana people weird in their own special way

     

    We have all heard tales of strange people living in Montana; the Unabomber, the freedom militias, the poor sods stuck in the Federal Witness Protection Program. I assure you the majority of people living in Montana are friendly, polite, are reasonably sane, and will go out of their way to lend a hand to strangers. Now, I am a cynical Californian transplanted in Montana. I cannot help but feel suspicious of helpful strangers. Oh, the clerk wants to volunteer the use of his truck to haul a new desk to my home, does he? Back off! I know how to use this pepper spray! This actually happened, sans threats and pepper spray. I bought a desk at the local Staples, and then realized I had no way to get it to my apartment. The clerk offered to haul it to my place, free of charge and after work hours. No, he was not hitting on me! The guy was at least sixty years old. He volunteered because I needed help. His no-strings-attached offer blew me away. Desperate, I agreed. He delivered the desk as promised, said, “Glad I could help”, and left. “Weird,” I breathed. “What is wrong with these people?” The clerk’s admirable attitude is commonly found throughout Montana. Even the children are reasonably polite and helpful. After three years of living here, though, I remain wary. You can take the girl out of California, but you cannot take the pepper spray out of the girl. The communities in this state are heavily family-orientedmunity barbecues are held in a park near my home during the summer. Fourth of July picnics, duck races (don’t ask), actual church socials—if the event is wholesome family fun it happens here. I do not attend these functions. I have more born-again Christian relatives in this state than should be legally allowed. A relative is usually connected to whatever community event is being held. If I attend a single one of these events, I will be expected to attend every single event following. If I fail to do so, all of my relatives will knock on my door at the same time to find out why. The above is an example of how closely knit the communities are. Most people here are hardworking, conservative, bible-thumpers. The main topics of conversation are: huntin’ and fishin’, church, children, family in general, and ranching. For those of us more liberal minded, not married, without children, not ranchers, and disapprove of huntin’ and fishin’ any chance at conversation is limited. Nice people, but a trifle dull. The crazies Montana is famous for, though, do exist. A large muscular man lumbered into the local humane society while I was recently there. Dried mud caked his boots. Black hair draped his shoulders. He wore a leather and wool coat over his flannel shirt and jeans. The coat smelled as if he just peeled it off the back of a buffalo. He asked for his dog in a growling voice, a scary gleam in his eyes. His hunting dog was brought in from the back cages. The woman behind the desk told the man he needed to buy a license for his dog. He asked why. Every dog needed to be licensed. It is the law. The man burst into a passionate speech about how licensing dogs was another trick by the evil government to squash our freedom. He mentioned something about mind-control. His muscles seemed to grow along with the scary light in his eyes. I edged away from the man while I filled out a form for a new license for my dog. Each woman behind the desk kept a polite smile fixed on her face. The older woman kept her hand on the phone. The man finally grabbed a license form and stalked out of the office, poor victimized devil, and took his stench with him. What can you say after an exit like that? I hope the big guy is happy pawing the ground with his fellow buffalo men. Montana’s weirdoes come in all shapes, sizes, smells, and personalities, but then people do all over the world. God bless the weirdoes for making life colorful.

         
    More things i have learned

     

    Growing old does have one benefit ... experience. So, I am continuing here to share my vast pool of knowledge. Of course my girlfriend can't resist telling me I need to clean the pool, but heres the list anyway. 1. If you do anything that gets your hands wet, soapy or dirty, your nose WILL itch. 2. When you give your email out anywhere on the internet, you will soon learn all you never wanted to know about body part enhancements. 3. A cat does not love you. It simply allows you to live with it IF you pet, feed and clean it's litter box on a regular basis. Otherwise, you're history. 4. Your Co-Workers, on the other hand, DO love you ... at least as long as you continue to give them good stuff to talk about when you aren't around. 5. You are NOT the master of your fate. Your mother is. And when you get married, your wife is. 6. Life is beautiful .. Life sucks ... life is beautiful ... life sucks. Repeat as necessary. 7. There is a chip in all cars that keeps them from starting unless you stroke the dashboard correctly and sincerely mean it when you say "Come on baby .. you can do it". 8puters will only work correctly when you DON'T need them to. 9. A kiss is just a kiss, and a smile is just a smile, but a baby is forever. 10. There is no such thing as a ghost that can haunt you ... except in your own mind. 11. Nothing is carved in stone ... other than what will happen if you forget your other half's birthday or anniversary. 12. No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to fold laundry according to your spouse's instructions. 13. Anything you think will happen, won't... and anything you think won't happen, will. 14. Love is a two way street .. unless you are on the freeway and then there may be lots of exits before you get somewhere.

         
    Morning radio

     

    Local Favorites I can probably speak for many when I say the Preston and Steve radio show is a local favorite. But, I would contend that they are probably one of the best morning shows in the country. How many radio shows do you know that have their own brand of ice cream, not many, if any. That's right, Preston and Steve have an incredibly delicious ice cream flavor dubbed "Gadzooks", check it out. Not only is Preston Elliot and Steve Morrisson running a great radio show, they have the uncanny ability to take a simple phrase like "monkey pick a$$" (spoken with an English accent), and make it wildly funny to hear and acceptable to repeat. The Preston and Steve show is aired locally on 93.3 WMMR, and can be hear around the world by steaming audio via wmmr/, and Podcast. So if you are up to hear something funny on the radio, and are tired of Howard Stern claiming he invented everything, give the Preston and Steve show a shot. From "monkey pick a$$" to "Gadzooks" you wont be disappointed, and if you are lucky may hear some old street fighter sound clips. Hope you enjoy their show.

         
    Mother s day card observation

     

    This Mother's Day season opened my eyes to something I never really paid attention to before. It had nothing to do with crowded restaurants, picked over pastries at the grocery store, or the piles of advertisments claiming to be the perfect Mother's day gift. This really had nothing to do with the day to speak of. I noticed something interesting about myself. I suck at personalizing greeting cards. For whatever reason, I have always thought it necessary to add my own little message at the bottom of a card. Not because I don't think the good people at American Greetings do an adequate job capturing the moment on embossed cardboard, but because I want to make the card, you know, even more special. So, armed with a pen and a fairly strong grasp of the english language, I prepared to add special messages for my mother and my wifes cards. Time passed, first just a few minutes, then hours. I just couldn't think of anything to say that the card didn't already cover. Everyone knows that if you plagerize a saying from the same card you are giving, you are in a whole new category of unorginal. For fear of being unoriginal, I kept at it. More time passed. To make things worse, I was trying to fill out this card while Rhonda (my wife) was still in the house. So, when I heard her coming by, I would quickly hide the card. Two times I snuck into the bathroom, locked the door, and pretended to do my business. (Note: Nothing adds fuel to the fire of incompetency than pretending to take a dump while trying to write something sincere in a card.) After two go arounds with this, I realized that sitting on the toilet and using the sink as my desk was not the environment for crafting a beautiful message to the mother of my children. I finally put pen to paper. After hours of struggling with writer's block and easing my wife's mind (who thought I had diarrhea), I hammered out this personalized message in her Mother's Day card. "Have a great day!" Swish!

         
    Movie stars as sources of wisdom

     

    Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions? While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public from being initially generally regarded as likely ne’er-do-wells to being considered the most readily available font of insightful advice on just about every topic that troubles the frontal lobe of contemporary humanity. Are we so doubtful of our own confidence to make up our minds that the resplendent light in which a current movie star is illuminated by his own publicity agents blinds us to the very probable vapidity of his or her own mind? After all, there is a certain disjunction between what movie stars do to win our attentions and what we expect of them once they succeed. They bring themselves to our attention by committing to memory, or by reading off one kind of prompter or another, words devised by others. We won’t go so far as to say they achieve renown by presenting the thoughts of others, since realistic drama, in most of its contemporary manifestations, is apparently unable to present characters who might actually have an occasional considerable thought. But, once they ascend to the starry vault that hovers over us, do we expect of them anything consonant with the ability to recite the usual inanities? No, suddenly we want these storied performers to transform themselves into the wise harbingers of original insight and exemplary advice. We even search the most mundane aspects of their personal lives for a hint or two as to how we might enhance the happiness of our own comparatively desultory lives. Or, just as often, we suppose, in the hope of finding that, despite their great reservoir of astonishing expertise, their own lives are inexplicably entangled in antics so confoundedly absurd that their shortcomings make us feel far superior in the relatively rickety guidance of our own lives. Since we can only be sure that the lights of stage and screen will continue to be presented to us with all the wiles that can be managed through the deft employment of colorful media, as the engaging exemplars of how we should only hope to live, it appears that the only way to alter the mutual mockery is to become more realistic about what we really ought to expect from our dazzling stars-brights.

         
    Mr. handyman

     

    First thing Saturday morning I decided to fix the washing machine. This decision had not been reached lightly. The cold water pressure was weak so I had checked with two experts at work (i. e., they had both owned washing machines at one time or another) and determined that it was a sticky solenoid. I grabbed my toolbox and told my wife what I was planning. “It’ll be fixed in ten minutes,” I explain as I head down to the basement. Meanwhile, she is looking up the number of a ‘24 hour emergency plumbing service’ and entering it into the speed-dialing function of the telephone. “Shouldn’t I call the plumber?” she asks, making it obvious that she doesn’t understand men. Of course, she has her reasons - I’ve had some bad experiences. In fact, I’ve yet to tackle a home improvement project that has actually improved the home. But today I was feeling confident. I carefully removed every screw from the back of the washing machine only to discover that it still wouldn’t come off. So, using the largest screwdriver I could find as leverage, I applied gentle pressure until suddenly there was a god-awful screech followed by two loud snaps and the back of the washing machine flies off like a cork out of a champagne bottle and smashes against the concrete wall with a thud that shakes the house. I hear the basement door open above me. “Should I call the plumber?” “We don’t need a plumber, everything is going according to plan,” I assure her. Of course, I’m not exactly sure what the plan is. The back of the washing machine is filled with enough wires and hoses to launch the space shuttle and I have absolutely no idea where to begin. So I slowly begin removing parts, looking for anything which might remotely resemble a solenoid, which is a cylindrical object which can be magnetized (I looked it up in the dictionary). Every hour or so the basement door opens. “Should I call the plumber?” Finally, with head held low, I humbly tell her, “It’s time to call a plumber.” Personally, I believe I was on the verge of figuring the whole thing out, but I could tell that she was starting to get nervous. A short time later Mr. Smarty-pants Plumber arrives and views the carnage. “What the hell happened here?” he asks in disbelief. I tell him the only thing that pops into my head. “Vandals. We’ve been having some problems in the neighborhood.” “Must have been a whole gang of them to have caused this much damage,” he suggests and I can only nod my head in agreement. He continues to review the scene of destruction, occasionally muttering “Hmmm” under his breath. Somehow, I intuitively know that every “hmmm” is costing me an additional fifty dollars. Finally, Mr. Overpriced Plumber starts putting everything back together again until, like magic, the washing machine is back in one piece and pushed against the wall. “Exactly what were you trying to do?” Mr. Couldn’t-make-it-as-an-electrician asks as he’s calculating a bill larger than a small country’s gross national product. I seize the opportunity to show him he’s not dealing with just any goober who walked in off the street. “The cold water pressure was weak,” I explain. “Sticky solenoid.” “Uh huh,” he responds and reaches behind the machine and twists off a hose. He taps the nozzle against the palm of his hand until a black, gooey glob of sludge oozes out. Then, with a final twist, he reattaches the hose. “Your filter was clogged.”

         
    New cause of high blood pressure revealed expecting logical behavior

     

    A new study in The New England Journal Of Medicine reveals that one of the principal causes of high-blood pressure in the contemporary world is logical thinking. A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, “Look it’s basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you’re bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels.” When asked if there might be other undiscovered factors that contribute to high blood pressure, he said, “Oh, absolutely. For instance, we’ve got a study in the works right now on that insidious culprit, sensitivity.” “Sensitivity?” we asked. “Yes,” he went on, “You see the modern world, especially as we interface with it through the mass media and frequently in corporate life, appears wildly insensitive to our individual wishes, so the more sensitive you are, the more likely it is to upset you. So we’re looking into how we can condition people to feel less, at least, when dealing with larger entities.” “What about sensitivity in our personal lives? Is that still OK?” “Well, I’d like to think so. But, since many domestic spats lead to higher blood pressure, we’re also considering a study to determine the benefits of reducing sensitivity in personal life.” “But what good is it,” we inquired, “to have normal blood pressure if you’re determined to be illogical and insensitive?” “Well, that’s part of the problem. In some ways, the cure may be worse than the disease. Of course, the ultimate way to lower your blood pressure is to die, but we don’t see that as a viable area for a long-term study.”

         
    New dracula musical to close except on nights with full moon

     

    Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. It’s closing. The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon. Marking the debut of Warner Brothers in the theater venue, where it had hoped to further lower unrealistic hopes for intellectual excellence on the boards, while making as much moola as Disney, the fiasco came back to haunt the company as a $12-million guzzle of red ink. With music and lyrics by the long-time-no-inspiration duo of Elton John and Bernie Taupin, who somehow could bring themselves to attempt yet one more musicalization of the haunts of those absurd creatures, we can now consider the show almost dead. By the way, it’s when observing the persistent life of such absurdities that we remind ourselves only creatures with an evolutionary basis and an elaborate biological support system do in fact exist and that, consequently, all the monsters who haunted us in our childhood were actually no more than phantasms of the some Hollywood creep's imagination, devised especially to haunt us out of the price of admission.

         
    New reality show debuts called new orleans sink or swim

     

    As if Katrina wasn’t a bad enough blow for New Orleans, geologists now inform us that, due to more exact measurements via satellite, they have been able to determine that the down but not out metropolis is sinking faster than previously thought – instead of about a fifth of an inch a year, about an inch, which is, of course, about a foot every dozen years. Always keen to ride the crest of a new wave onto megabuck beach, a television production company, having alighted on an enormous pot of gold with a previous, highly imaginative reality show, has honed in on the sinking city and created a new show, called “New Orleans, Sink Or Swim.” The concept immediately sparked interest in the equally imaginative creative minds at the networks, and ABC raced to option it. The show, scheduled to debut in the fall, will feature twelve people stranded in New Orleans, or one actor per inch for the twelve years during which they hope the show will runplications will develop as the innovative members of the cast compete to stay above the waterline, while involving themselves in the usual crowd-pleasing boy-outdoes-girl shenanigans. Rumor has it that the show will include guest appearances by longtime New Orleans residents, among them Fats Domino, who will demonstrate, as the city gives way to the sea, how well his rotund body floats. Also, newly reelected Mayor Ray Nagin is expected to appear and endorse rebuilding even in the area that sinks deepest. He will, however, limit his endorsement to the construction of a seaquarium.

         
    New u. s. military tactic to quell unrest in iraq will drop iq test on insurgents

     

    The U. S., continuing to be troubled by the insurgency in Iraq, has decided to quell it by giving the insurgents an IQ test. The plan is to drop it from the sky as a leaflet. Meeting NewsLaugh's request with its usual candor, the military has given us an advance copy of the test, along with permission to publish four questions before the date of the drop. IQ Test For Insurgents This is a multiple choice exam. For ease of apprehension, it has been limited to two multiples per question. Please, select only one answer per question. Two out of two will be counted as outright stupid. 1. What is the best way to get coalition troops out of Iraq? 1. Continue the insurgency 2. Stop the insurgency 2. What is the best way to stop the killing of Iraqi civilians? 1. Continue to blow them up and shoot them 2. Stop blowing them up and shooting them 3. What is the correct way to characterize America? 1. The principal country that liberated Iraqi from one of the most murderous dictators in modern times? 2. The principal country that invaded Iraq to stop an unforeseen insurgency and lose approximately 2,500 of his most valued citizens in the effort 4. What is the right opinion to have of someone who continues to advocate the insurgency? 1. He is a wise and praiseworthy leader 2. He is an counterproductive fanatic who is misleading you The U. S. military is counting on the IQ test to help the insurgents realize that their murderous struggle is currently the world’s most blatantly stupid example of self-defeating behavior and that that only the most persistently moronic insurgents would urge Iraqis to continue it. Of course, the result remains uncertain. Or does it?

         
    Nightclub for baby boomes raided patrons nabbed for dropping antacid

     

    A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, “I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers – Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.” A female boomer noted, as she was being booked, “I admit it. I’ve become addicted to Alka-Seltzer How would you like to be in your fifties and be back out on the meat market? I just hope my children understand.” A male patron, who was apprehended while attempting to escape as fast as he could amble down the street, lamented, “I’m single, I’m upset, so no wonder I need regular doses of Mylanta. And there’s nothing I won’t do to get it – rob, murder, even pick up a bottle at the drugstore.” To the relief of the distraught boomers, who have a seemingly irrepressible urge to enjoy life even into their later decades, the club is scheduled to reopen tonight. However, upon arrival the trendy crowd will notice that a new sign has been placed above the entrance, notifying them that “The Possession Of Antacid On These Premises Is Strictly Forbidden.”

         
    Nuclear panhandling north korea and iran seek to trade threats of oblivion for alms

     

    Remember nuclear blackmail? Apparently, North Korea and Iran have refined the practice into outright panhandling. Let’s indulge, with a not entirely charitable examination, this new and nettlesome version of “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?” Standing on the most conspicuous street corners the two beggarly brats can manage in our minds, they proffer their illicit cups in quest of alms, while they wiggle their nascent nuclear capabilities at our noses. North Korea plays What The Heck’s Bad Boy and launches seven missiles obviously calculated to fly in the face of the civilized world’s most anxious hand-wringing, and Iran continues to enrich uranium while European negotiators heap ever more incentives into its cynically proffered tin. How deserving are these increasingly irksome beggars? North Korea has the thorny problem of watching its Asian neighbors ascend ever more successfully in the world’s economic stratosphere while its own economy rumbles along in a decrepit cart composed of dusty economic lumber that has long since proven to be inherently impoverishing. So it finds itself in desperate and really quite incriminating need of mere sustenance. Meanwhile, Iran’s economy skids along via the oil beneath its sacred sand, with a little bit of help from the remnants of its Caspian caviar trade, but the mullahdom is hardly a candidate to join the ranks of the world’s most industrialized nations. The theocracy does, in fact, have an irritating unemployment problem, particularly among its perhaps not eternally submissive young people. Apparently, modernity at the enterprising level does not inspirit the ever-turbaned fundamentalist as it might a more enlightened and lax attendee at the local mosque. So, despite the bountiful blessings that might be expected by placing themselves under the rule of its most pious adherents of Mohammed, the citizenry finds itself less than abundantly heaped with earthbound rewards. All the better for its wily leaders to distract them with flattering flights of unfounded egomania, especially since the distraction can elicit a plentitude of salving alms for oblivion. Obviously, their nuclear capabilities pose a very unlikely threat. Unleashing even the worst they could ever manage would only invite the world’s more capably arrayed nuclear powers to incinerate an unacceptable proportion of their citizenry and infrastructure. Given that their weapon wagging is ultimately a farcical pretense, will dropping a heartfelt gift in their cups get them off the street or encourage them to return again? We think the latter. Then what else might we do as a substitute for giving into their clamorous demands for a spare dime. Since institutionalization is more applicable to mentally defective individuals and arrest to overly intrusive ones, are there doable equivalents to rein in international panhanders? As a ready substitute for institutionalization, we suggest letting the pretenders stew in their own waywardness by ignoring them. There is nothing they can do but brandish their weapons until they grow weary of the tactic and turn to more responsible means of support. And, as the equivalent of arrest, we can lock them away with sanctions that fit the crimes until they realize that their new form of connivance just doesn’t pay but, in fact, results in making their unfortunate lots even more discouraging to them and their disciples. So, while civilized nations tend to mix tenderheartedness with wariness, we really just need to steel ourselves and walk on by this duplicitous duo of irresponsible funraisers.

         
    Oil exploration update u. s. to play catch up with cuba

     

    Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countries, including China, the prospect of which alarms us, and Spain, the idea of which invites us to think of tapas. In wisdom wrought from its neediness, the resourceful islet has also offered to license American oil companies. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction. The debate has rapidly blossomed into a gusher partly because America has even more proven oil reserves in its coastal waters, no doubt principally because it has even more coastal waters. Persuasively enough in these oil-dear times, there seems to be enough of the black gold there to meet all of our energy needs for about 18 years, or long enough for all the leaders in the Middle East who we aren’t getting along with these days to go the way of leaders everywhere who, we determine, are irredeemably misguided. Naturally, conservation societies have been galvanized into opposition by the mere prospect of an oil bit chomping into the emerald waters of our abundantly fishy coastlines in search of the liquid treasure below the reefs. As the debate bubbles on, we can only consider a worst-case, best-case scenario. Worst case: we do nothing while foreign companies who don’t exactly have the most reverential reputations in ecological propriety drill away and, as time allows, send oil spills slithering onto our beaches. Best case: we race to catch up with Cuba and maybe even preempt the ill-advised entanglements that might otherwise drill down into our hemisphere. Since we’re actually talking about drilling in our own backyard pond, we might also, one hopes, do it in ways that are less likely to lead to the shameful oil blights that fill us all with remorse and send fish and fowl off to tarry death – derelictions that strange countries in a strange land might less assiduously labor to avoid.

         
     
         
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