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    Free Essay
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    What s entertainment intellectuals debating the merits and demerits of economic freedom

     

    Today, few things are more entertaining than observing the continuing debate among intellectuals about the merits and demerits of economic freedom. What is the cause of the levity? Most of the opinion is decidedly about the demerits of economic freedom, with a pronounced preference for any form of governmental supervision that would supposedly assure the equitable distribution of material wealth. The problem is, of course, that the very debate, or intellectual freedom itself, is only made possible by economic freedom, which is the principal support of free speech. Why? It is a truth far too often demonstrated that once the state owns your meal ticket, you’re a slave of the state. And you better shut your mouth or you could end up in a Gulag or a rice paddy. Or, as the philospher Herbert Marcuse noted, a centrally controlled economy is actually state capitalism, conducted by insiders with decided benefits allocated for those who open and close the national treasury. Meanwhile, the rest of the citizenry are expected to wake up and row the ship of state, with scant provision of bread and water for the dutiful and a plentiful supply of lashes for any who dare to complain. A free economy is far from perfect, but it supports the stage on which intellecutal freedom may cavort. So wisdom comes down on the side of improving it, not abandoning it, and with so much clarity that debate with a bias against it is downright amusing.

         
    Where s there s three

     

    Grandma made a major decision the other day. She had been ponderin and ponderin how to deal with her three little darlins in the best way possible. She finally decided since there were three of them, maybe there should be three of her. Yep, Grandma decided she’d split her personality into three personalities and become three in one. Who knows? Even that Miss Ophrie might come a callin to her door and a wantin to meet them three in one. So Grandma had to decide which three personalities she’d be. She thought about the girlies’ favorites, but she didn’t know what no Lindsay Lahon, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Taylor Hicks, Paula Abdul, Hillary Duff, or even Polly Pockets might be all about. So Grandma just fell back on her old tried and true personalities—some that she knew real, real good! For starters, Grandma thought it might be a good idea to start the day off with her Shirley Temple personality. After all, her little sweeties couldn’t even be that sweet theirselfs. Grandma thought she could get that nice Miss Cindy down at the Roffler Shop to put them Shirley Temple curls all over her head. Then she’d find herself some big fancy candy shop and git her the biggest, stripedest lollipop that’s ever been made. Grandma’s old knees got to knockin when she slipped right into her Shirley Temple stand-out dress with her crinoline slip peekin out from the bottom. Grandma even brought out an old pair of Shirley Temple black patent leathers to complete her new personality. Needless to say, when Grandma Shirley Temple walked in to model her new personality to her babies, they all went to screamin and a laughin and callin Grandma a silly goose. That, of course, was before they spied the giant lollipop, and then they started to grabbin and callin claims to that big beauty with so much enthusiasm they crushed the candy part and sent the stick part a sailin through the air until it landed straight up and down in Grandpa’s glasses (which he’d just put on to see who that cute little doll in the Shirley Temple curls was). Fortunately for him, he didn’t have ‘em on long enough to see Grandma a pullin just bout ever one of them curls straight out. So, on to the next personality. Grandma thought she’d make a perfect Annie Oakley. Gittin a big ole hat over what was left of them curls was not too much trouble, but when Grandma put them spurs on her brogans she wound up scratchin up her brand new hardwood floors that Grandpa had just laid. Grandma didn’t have no cowgirl vest so she just grabbed the chenille bedspread, and it almost went all way around her to be the purtiest vest any cowgirl ever saw. Last, Grandma strapped her gun and holster set (who knows where it came from?) round her hips. Then she picked up the babies’ jump rope and started to twirling that rope and a lassoing right there in front of that television set where them babies was glued to some show called Deal or No Deal. It took ‘em a minute to notice Annie (aka Grandma), but when they did, they went to grabbin and callin claims on them there guns on Annie’s hips. Whoa! Grandma couldn’t let them sweeties get their hands on no guns so she thought real fast and with all her might and her sharp-shooter’s eye, she slung them guns straight for the sink full of dirty dishes. She knowed them girls wouldn’t go nowhere near dirty dishes, and she was right. The next thing she heard was, “No deal!” Well, Grandma was now left with her choice of a third personality. There was no question which one that would be. Grandma got her lipstick out and drawed her biggest, reddest Joan Crawford smile anybody had ever seen. Yep, Grandma was gonna be a perfect Mommy Dearest. To tell you what happened next would be too scary, but Grandma’ll tell you in a heartbeat that her babies won’t go near the closet no more, and they keep awakin up in the middle of the night screamin something she can’t understand about coat hangers. Grandma tried. Grandma failed. Now Grandma will just be Grandma, but she still wonders what would have happened if she’d just made her experiment a little easier and split into the Three Stooges instead. (Bomp, slap, thump!!)

         
    Why al qaeda s promise of paradise is fundamentally illogical

     

    As we listen to the two principal culprits of Al-Qaeda attempt to motivate the unsuspecting to become suicidal dupes of its ideology, we cannot help but hear that their furious rhetoric is grievously flawed. We decided we might save some lives by bringing to bear on their promise of Paradise via murder the most frightening prospect a furiously brandished lie can confront: logic. Let’s begin by reviewing the fundamental values on which their provocative illogic is based: 1. There is only one true God 2. God is great 3. The way to please God is to kill people who don’t believe in Him exactly the way we do. Well, well, let’s have a look-see. If there is only one true God, we are all – Sunnis, Shiites, Christians, Jews, and those who believe anything else – “children” of the same God. If God is great, God is logical. If God is logical, He would very likely not be pleased by some of His children killing His other children. In fact, He would, logically, be upset. If so, He would be far less likely to offer the preferment of His highest reward to those who killed His other children. In the traditional eschatology of what’s up and what’s down, He would, in fact, present the wayward murderers with a more heated welcome and final destination. Now, in place of Al-Qaeda’s fundamental illogic, let’s ask if there might be a more promising means of paradisiacal ascent. How about, instead of belligerence, beards or burkahs, we turn to that staple of merit, behavior? We suggest the widely applicable alternative of mutually considerate behavior; even better, the high but underestimated virtue of kindness. We needn’t put off those we hope most to influence by suggesting the ideal advocated by many of those al-Qaeda tarnishes as infidels and crusaders: love for one another. Yes, Osama and Ayman, it is by behavior inspirited by benevolence, not murder incited by hatred, that Muslims, or any other inhabitants of this life-blessed earth, are more likely to please any one true God and thereby gain entrance to the Paradise such a God may have reserved for them. If one must advocate a radicalism, let it be a commendable one – a radicalism, preferably considered just normal behavior, that embraces all humans beings as brothers and sisters, and, in fact, every living thing that has found a foothold on this fragile paradise of life, as it spins its uncertain way through the slightly traveled and only fractionally understood universe.

         
    Wimbledon comes out swinging games go on even as england mourns 7 7

     

    One of the most winning things about spirits irrepressible is that they always come out swinging. And that resilient spirit was on prideful display at Wimbledon, which respectfully went its traditional way even as the people of London marked the dastardly bombing of the “tube” with sad but resolute hearts. As expected, Roger Federer banished his Swedish opponent, Jonas Bjorkman, in the semifinals. ''I was flawless,'' Federer said. ''I had high expectations to win this match today. And then to come through and play at the level I did today, that's great.'' He went on to say, ''It's just a beautiful feeling. You don't get it very often. When you can dominate an opponent, it's always sort of nice. But then especially in a semifinals of a Grand Slam, it's even better.'' In the final on Sunday, he went on to trouce the Spanish racketeer Rafael Nadal, despite the mind-troubling reality that Nadal had beat him in the French Open and in four other recent outings. Now, his record of four consecutive Wimbledon wins rockets him to the sunny heaven of tennis with Bjorn Borg, who won five in a row, and Pete Sampras, who went four for four. But more than anything else, the continuance of the matches even in the solemnity of mourning bespeaks the power stroke of the human spirit, whether it is applied to the most serious intent or simply to masterful frivolity. It is that same irrepressible strength that will allow it in time to dominate its opponents, including the recent excrescence of purblind evil we call terrorists.

         
    Yanking my date through an israeli security services lie detector

     

    I was on holiday in Blackpool when I picked up my first advice on finding love. While waiting for my sister to recover after her stomach churning rollercoaster ride, I stuck 20p into a Love-O-Meter outside a sports pub. After my coin clicked down the pegs, the fiberglass female’s face flashed and shook like the washer-dryer under my sink, before requesting I stick my thumb into a gooey gum-filled finger hole. A strip of yellow paper popped from the slot. “8/10. You’re hot, but not too hot, big boy! But that’s enough for some lucky lady!” A top twenty percent score surely meant I’d meet a world-class soul-mate. But here I am fifteen years later in London, and after a few serious (and several scary) relationships, I’m still waiting for that mechanical maiden’s prediction to come true. Only two months back, after ending a three-year relationship with my former flat-mate’s sister, I re-joined the nation’s throng of nine million singles. Strangely, it was the ex’s womanizing brother that helped ease me back into the dating scene. Davis had the mastered the art of pulling women on dating sites and had been working them well before they became socially acceptable (three years ago I wouldn’t dream of hitting the online personals). But after ‘playing the virtual field’, David found his dream girl, dated her for five months and has since booked his white wedding at Farnborough Castle for next year. Given the amount of talent he could choose from, I wasn’t surprised to hear that he put Lisa through a fairly extensive evaluation process. What I couldn’t believe was that he hooked her up to some sort of voice machine to test her sincerity. “You gotta screen ‘em before you meet ‘em. If you can’t tell if she likes you, put her through the Passion Meter.” I was curious to see how love-testing had evolved since my Love-O-Meter experience. The only problem was that I had to hit the online dating scene to find out. When David told me to go to try the Passion Meter at datingdonut, I was sure I’d find fake photos of fit females and fabulous men concealing some sad lot secretly stuffing themselves with pies, chips and (of course) donuts. I first decided to do a bit of online research and quickly discovered online personals had become the most popular method for singles to meet in this country. According to the Times, 3.6 million Brits used an online dating site in 2005 and the online dating market in this country is set to grow to around Ј50 million in two years. Incredibly, already over 65% of single people now used the internet to meet people and half of them believing they will meet a suitable partner on the internet. And (not surprisingly) over 30% lie about their looks or personality in their profile. So how many honey-dipped hotties would secretly be jelly-filled jollies? On first impressions, datingdonut looked like all the other dating sites. After clicking past the beefy bloke posing with a bombshell brunette with a perfect smile, I was offered up the standard photo-album quality close-ups, various mug-shots cropped from bikini beach holidays, and a few grainy granular images sent in on flashy 3G phones. I was pleased to find the website did hold a lot of dating profiles in all age categories, and while there were a disproportionate number of 26-35 year-olds, I was particularly amazed with the number of over 55’s who had either dumped their spouses, or were now living out some sort of post-retirement cyber-cheating fantasy. In the end, I was able to get what I wanted done on the site pretty quickly. The client registration and search was simple to do, the WAP site on my mobile actually showed me several full-photo candidates, and I was able to send off some SMS messages to some prospective dates on the first attempt. But most importantly, I found Jenny, a 28 year-old heath care manager from in Hampshire, who would be my subject for testing the Passion Meter. I dialed in to the Passion Meter then phoned Jenny’s number. As soon as she picked up, the technology was supposedly analyzing 129 emotional layers in her voice including excitement, confusion, stress, concentration, anticipation, eagerness and passion would be then analyzed to capture Jenny’s feelings. Passion Meter was developed in Israel and was originally designed for the secret security services industry before being approved for commercial use here in the UK. All I had to do was call and ensure I kept Jenny on the line for five to six minutes to ensure the service had enough data to analyze. Jenny was an absolute gem of a girl. After plowing through the where-you-live, what-you-do, what-you’d-really-like-to-do routine, I found her clever, interesting, chilled out, and (most importantly) keen to have only a casual relationship. In the end, I was so engaged that I’d completely forgot about the Passion Meter. When my mobile beeped after five minutes, I struggled to come up with a strong reason to hang up on her in 60 seconds without her thinking I’d lost interest. I certainly wanted to speak with her again. I decided to tell her my boss was on the other line needing some contact details (this showed my sense of loyalty, my level of professionalism, the fact I had a job). Based on her tone and interest level, I thought she was keen enough to meet me, but not desperate enough to use my number which undoubtedly showed upon on her mobile screen. Two minutes later a call came summarizing her confidence, concentration, expectation levels and overall passion rating. Although the final report sounded like it was coming from some anorak systems analyst was moonlighting as a love doctor, the results certainly matched my impressions of Jenny’s interest level. "Embarrassment level was 'Normal'. Although your friend was embarrassed from time to time, this is only expected in long calls. Your friend's concentration level was VERY HIGH during this conversation. Normally, this is a very good indication as it means that your friend is 100% with you during your call... If you can't think of any reason why your friend will be angry during the call, this indication is very promising...! Anticipation level is HIGH - Your friend was expecting something to happen during this call... if other indications are negative, it might be that your friend was too busy to speak now, but if love level is high, maybe it is time for you POP THE QUESTION??? HIGH EMOTIONS WERE DETECTED THROUGHOUT THE CONVERSATION and this means, most likely, that LOVE IS DETECTED! - Our advice? Proceed with caution! Be polite, and try to make the move!” I decided I would indeed “make the move” and have since planned a coffee meeting next weekend at my favorite North London gastro pub. But I’m left with one final dilemma; do I reveal that I had put her through a CIA-style clearing procedure before deciding to blow a Ј1.50 on latte for her? I guess I already have secrets to keep from my dear dating donut….

         
    You may be in love if

     

    One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it’s not always easy to tell if you are in like, lust or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I’ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love! 1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds without cracking up hysterically … you may be in love. 2. If every person in your life tells you that she/he’s no good and you’re mailman, pharmacist and local news station agrees, yet you think they are “just jealous” … you may be in love. 3. Guys: if you’ve taken the pictures of the other women in you’re life off the walls, like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters, Playmate of the month calendar, Monster Truck Rally 2005 … you may be in love. 4. Ladies: men can produce excessive amounts of eye watering, nose burning noxious odor from almost any food or drink, and then aren’t above sharing it with others, especially at night. Knowing all this, and you STILL want to sleep in the same bed with him … you may be in love. 5. If your significant other asks you how they look in their new retro polyester lime green outfit and you say they look hot … you may be in love…. or you have a really strong self preservation instinct. 6. Guys: if you’ve ever given up washing and waxing that new car you just bought to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” with you’re girlfriend/wife for the 20th time … you may be in love. 7. If you always remember every anniversary and birthday of your partner, and you’re not female … you may be in love. 8. If you think the underwear and socks you get for your birthday and Christmas every year is a pleasant surprise … you may be in love. 9. If you thought the Sears Tool Set and rolling cabinet you got for your birthday was great idea, and you’re not male ... you may be in love. 10. If you are taken to Burger King for a romantic dinner, and that doesn’t bother you … you may be in love. 11. If you notice your local florist starts arriving at work in a limo since you became a customer ... you may be in love 12. If hearing "Honey, wheres my clean underwear?" brings tears of joy to your eyes ... you may be in love But the easiest way to tell if you are in love is this: If there is no one on this planet that you would rather spend everyday of your life with than the one you are with … then you ARE in love!

         
    You might be a chocoholic if

     

    Are you a chocoholic? Answer these questions to help find out. chocoholic (def): a person who has or claims to have an addiction to chocolate If you have more than 2 secret stashes of chocolate candy, you might be a chocoholic. (Be honest.) * If your top 3 favorite candies all have chocolate in them, you might be a chocoholic. * If you have more than 4 books at home on chocolate, you might be a chocoholic. * If your favorite dessert is chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate ice-cream on the side, then you might be a chocoholic. * If you name chocolate as one of the seven wonders of the world, you might be a chocoholic. * If you bookmark more than 2 websites on the health benefits of chocolate, then you might be a chocoholic. * If your favorite movie is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you might be a chocoholic. * If you own more than one chocolate-related T-Shirt, you might be a chocoholic. (If you actually wear that chocolate T-Shirt in public, just admit it. You are a chocoholic.) * If you name your first-born child after your favorite chocolate candy - then you are a definite, full fledged chocoholic. * If you are a chocoholic, there you may want to try one of two possible cures: CURE #1: Chocolate Overdose In several cases a chocolate overdose will effectively kill your chocolate bug for a period of time. At some point, too much chocolate in a given month will cure your addiction - for at least a week. Your personal chocolate overdose limit will depend on your level of addiction. (We sell a variety of chocolates to help you do this in style.) CURE #2: Chocolate Substitution Chocolate substitution is another option, if the chocolate overdose doesn't work. It involves starving your chocolate bug by offering it wholesome candy substitutes. The concept is that your body will gradually forget its craving for chocolate. (We sell a variety of delicious candies to help you do this in style.) If one of these cures doesn't work, well, at least you would enjoy the attempt . . . By the way, here are some great links on the health benefits of chocolate. You may want to bookmark them in case someone tries to convince you that chocolate is not good for you. * momscape * aphrodite-chocolates. co. uk * chinesefood. about Well, of course it makes sense that chocolate really is healthy. Chocolate is made from a bean - and so, wouldn't that be like eating a vegetable? (Try explaining that to your mom.)

         
    3 Surefire ways to combat rising gas prices

     

    I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices! 1. Don't Drive Your Car This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less. Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer? 2. Carpool It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple. Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by: (a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill. (b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper. (c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc. (d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud! You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again. 3. Ride the Bus/Subway Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines: 1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you. 2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you. 3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back. 4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging. 5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material. Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simplethank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

         
    5 Big advantages of pc games on demand

     

    Not to knock PlayStation 2 or Xbox 360, but I have a decent PC. The consoles are okay for the kids, but I am happy with a keyboard and mouse. I play online games to relax between work sessions on the computer. I don't want to get up from the machine to play. Thankfully, there are games on demand made for my PC. Here are some of the reasons PC games on demand are going to change the way most of us play the latest video and audio intensive games: 1. Instant Gratification. I can demo the latest games to see what appeals to me. When I find a winner, I can purchase on the spot and download the entire game instantly. No waits. No trips to the mall to find the game I want - if they have it in stock. 2. New technology takes care of the install. Some PC games can be a bear to install from a CD or DVD. Why bother. I downloaded a fast free player from Triton ( playtriton), and I am using the latest streaming technology to start playing the hottest games on the net. 3. I can begin playing full games within minutes of purchase. Triton's player will download and install your new game in the background using the fastest streaming delivery media available today. You don't have to wait for the entire game to download before you begin play. 4. Automatic updates. When you login to your game, Triton automatically makes sure you have the latest and greatest version of your game and player. No more searching the Internet for updates. You get yours automatically in the background. 5. Worldwide availability. No matter where you live in the world, if you have a good PC and a broadband Internet connection, you have access to the best games at the same time as anyone else. It doesn't matter if your local computer store carries the game you want or if they sold out before you went to buy. You are in control. As PCs get more powerful, and broadband becomes the international standard for accessing the Internet, it only makes sense to move to a faster, more economical delivery method for cutting edge games.

         
    5 Reasons why you should quit your day job

     

    Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING; I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should. 1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the 'Today Show'. 2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes you'll be on cloud nine, you'll be on top of the world, you'll be living the good life, you'll be: - insert your own cliche here-. Then you'll start worrying about the car note, the mortgage, the kid's school clothes, groceries, and how you're going to pay that $850 you owe the Petermanns for running over their mailbox and a whole row of prize-winning azaleas. All this will probably depress you to the point of assisted suicide, but at least you had 10 minutes of freedom. 3. Daytime television is some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You'll wonder how you ever survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative commercials that air during the daytime that will 'Show you how to make $1,000 a day stuffing envelopes, 'Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4 days', 'Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED preparation and septic tank scrubber' and you'll not only wonder why you didn't quit your job sooner, you'll also vow to never work again. 4. In your formerly employed state you missed all those important calls from collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your job you'll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these oh-so-important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff's Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you and ask you to 'Hold for an important message' and you'll have a full day of just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck. 5. Dragging yourself out of bed every morning at 5:45 a. m. can't be good for your health. Your doctor will proud of you for caring enough about your body's well-being to go as far as quitting your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore because you no longer have health insurance. But there's no need to worry, after all that's why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 3 Chlamydia is yet another experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job. There you have it folks. 5 reasons why you should immediately go out and quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when you turn in your two weeks notice. If she wants to know where you came across such valuable information tell her that a unselfish friend of humanity supplied them to you free of charge, and all I asked in return was that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed...

         
    8 Reasons why you should email me one dollar

     

    Paypal has made it possible to quickly and easily send money over the Internet. This allows us to pay for all kinds of purchases with a lot less hassle. It also will allow you, everyone who reads this article, to send me, Timothy Ward, $1.00. Being the cynics that you are, I know you're probably asking: "Why should I send you $1.00? I barely even know you. If I hadn't somehow stumbled onto this article I wouldn't even have known that you exist. I still don't know how I came across this ridiculous article, I was trying to find my brother-in-law's blog." Since I know that humanoids are by nature untrusting, and I know that you can spare the dollar, I will now generously provide 8 reasons why you should immediately paypal me a buck. I don't think I'll need more than 5 reasons but I like to give people their money's worth. Plus I have a word count to think about. So without further ado: (1) Sending me $1.00 will keep you from spending it on something pointless like the mortgage payment. You've been faithfully paying on that mortgage for years-it's time you had a break. And it'll only cost you a single greenback. (2) Donating to a worthy cause can give you peace of mind which, in turn, will help you to sleep better at night. Giving me a dollar may not be as worthy a cause as, say, giving to the Red Cross, but I promise I will sleep better tonight and many nights thereafter if you send me that dollar. (3) If I were sitting in front of a gas station smelling of cheap wine and wearing the same clothes I had on when I lost my job 8 months ago, you wouldn't even consider giving me a dollar. You would probably tell me to: "Get a Job, ya bum", and then rapidly walk away, clutching your wallet tightly. I, however, am not sitting in front of a gas station, I'm sitting in front of my television. And I changed clothes 2 days ago. (4) I need to buy some Bling Bling! You're just not in the game if you don't have diamonds in your ears and ice on your neck and wrists. Plus I know a guy who'll give me a great deal on some gold teeth. But I need more cheese. (5) Many great artist in history have depended on donations to finance their masterpieces. Your sending me $1.00 will allow me to do the necessary research for a masterpiece of an article that I'm working on called: 'Going Out on Saturday Night and Getting Sloppy Drunk Using Other People's Money'. I'll be sure to acknowledge you at the end. (6) Fellas, would you rather send me a dollar or have your wife spent it on yet another pair of black heels? Ladies, would you rather your husbands spend it on another one of those magazines that he keeps in that box in his workshop? I thought not. (7) Time is money. You're already wasting money by taking time to read this article. Another George Washington won't kill you. (8) The pens and paper I use to write these articles don't pay for themselves. My high speed internect connection that I use to upload these articles isn't free. I don't think $1.00 is too much to ask after the scores of articles I have written and shared with all of cyberspace. After all, if it wasn't for my articles you wouldn't appreciate the good articles written by others. So there you have it folks. 8 reasons to send me $1.00 via Paypal. As I suspected most of you were sold after Reason #5. I appreciate you waiting patiently until I finished with the remaining Reasons before rushing over to Paypal. Now that I have finished listing my reasons feel free to login and send your $1.00 to [email protected] And please hurry, the guy with the gold teeth isn't going to have those great deals forever...

         
    18 Similarities between women and computers

     

    Before you read any further, please note that this is not a piece out to damage or cut down the important role of women in our society. Read below only as humour and nothing more. These are intended solely for a good laugh. Women are unique in many ways (and by this I mean different than men) and its this specific uniqueness or certain traits that I refer to when likening a woman to a personal computer. Do not get offended; it is intended to create a smile. 1) A woman is like a computer in that she costs more than you thought it would. 2) A woman resembles a personal computer in that she will not do exactly what you thought it will. 3) After a while, you simply cannot do without both: your computers and your woman. 4) Computers are just like women: after you have gotten used to them and cannot do without them, you discover that one is not enough. 5) Some computers, like some women, serve many people. 6) You can work miracles with both by gently using your fingers if you only know the proper code. 7) If you are inactive with them for more than fifteen minutes, they go off. 8) Just like a computer, the one who runs her has more privileges than just anyone else who is just running her. 9) When there are short-circuits of electricity, they shut you off and then you cannot always return to what was before the short-circuit. 10) Normally, they are available and receptive in the night, but it’s a lot better when they are available and receptive in the morning. 11) When you are, at last, sure that they will do what you wanted, they go off and do something else. 12) The only thing that you predict about the future with them is that they will react unpredictably. 13) Just like women, so too for computers: every year a new model is released that is younger, more advanced and gives a lot more. 14) A woman is just like a computer: you are happy with what you have but when you see what your friends have got, you are sure you want what they have. 15) Women are like computers in that no matter how much you improve and put into them, they only improve for a short time and then go back to their same old pace. 16) Women are like computers in that every day a new program comes out promising to revolutionize your knowledge and use of them, but after spending a lot more cash you realize that none of them work better than the old one you had before. 17) Women are like computers: you always want what others have and they want what you have but you cannot switch even for a trial basis. 18) Women are like computers in that when you get them you are sure that they are the best. But when the days go back, you wonder why you did not get them with a replacement note.

         
    A bomb for a bomb and a rocket for a rocket what hath terrorism wrought but a new code of hammurabi

     

    Look far and wide, and what do we see? The most civilized nations, at least, the ones we've got at this point in our nascent human development, having made an uneasy accommodation to behavior that they would historically wretch at as downright repellent. It’s none other than the law of Hammurabi, or tit for tat, writ in TNT. So we arrive at the big question. What hath terrorism wrought? These merciless scoundrels have compelled us transform our own sense of right and wrong into a workable counterpoint to their own beastly behavior. We have been compelled to consider killing them as a regrettably acceptable ethical necessity and, if a few thousand civilians happen to get in the way, what else can we do by keep the bombs and rockets flying. This transformation of our own generally commendable ethical sense is, other than killing and maiming us physically, the most deleterious result of the murderous amorality of the terrorists. It is, if you will, their second-saddest triumph. Here we are, the hope of the world, in terms of nations whose conduct is preferably guided by the mutually nourishing principle of the sanctity of life, compelled to wreak death and destruction. Must we be reduced to combating it in the murderously unethical mud out of which terrorism launches its salvos or is there a way to remain on a higher plane while we contend with it for world domination, truth, justice, and American TV? Can we, in fact, triumph over what, at present, appears to be the illicit accomplishment of our faux-religious foes? Would we be the folks in the white hats, albeit soiled, if we couldn't? But how might we achieve what presents itself as an unlikely distinction? Why, simply by abstaining from being as unconscionably ruthless as the terrorists. Sure, we have to defend ourselves, not to mention our precious infrastructure, which is, at its best, part of the common achievement, enhancement, and promise of the human race. Yes, we have to hunt them down and kill them before they kill more of us. But we don’t have to stoop to the level of savage immorality that they do when they kill or capture us. Tempting as it is to disregard them as an inconvenience, we should abide by the most recognized rules of engagement, that is, the Geneva Conventions. Abide by them even though we realize that the ill-informed and immoral assassins and torturers we're presently at war with do not qualify as enemy combatants, most justifiably because they themselves do not recognize such relatively humane agreements about how we should do battle with one another. It is by putting ourselves firmly on the high ground of right conduct that we can remain above the terrorists, do what they may, and make them look, in the eyes of all unprejudiced humanity, like the lowdown criminals they have condemned themselves to be. To go on a bit, with your patient indulgence at the brief suspension of laughter, in the defense of life, we must do our best never to harm and demean it and all we can to preserve and respect it. It is by being the champions of life that we can diminish and defeat those who have no care for it. Let life be for life and death for death; then life must win, and death, in time, die. Isn't that right, me hearties?

         
    A cialis a day keeps the uncertainty away

     

    The maker of Cialis will apply to the FDA for approval of a once-a-day version of its ED treatment. The company maintains that a daily dose will allow the benefactor to enjoy more spontaneous delight than he can with what the manufacturer refers to as its "on demand" version. The company maintains that side effects of the new dosage are mild and consist primarily of an inexplicable bulge in the pantaloons. Dr. Ira D. Sharlip, professor of urology at the Univesity of California, San Francisco, stated, "For patients who are more sexually active, which generally means younger patients, whose sexual activity is more spontaneous, it will be an attractive alternative, provided the cost is not prohibitive." Until now, men had to take Cialis and other impotence drugs thirty minutes or more before they flung themselves into the arms of their lovers. Now they’ll be ready at the drop of a belt. Some analysts doubt that millions of men will take the drug every day, since the biggest users of the therapy generally have sex only a couple of times a week. Insurance companies may also refuse to pay for a daily dose. Interestingly, a Cialis a day may also have cardiovascular benefits, since the enzyme that Cialis, as well as other impotence drugs, inhibits, flows in all the body’s blood vessels. As a result, the drug may be an effective treatment for high blood pressure. An expert stated, "There may be a much bigger picture than just for erectile dysfunction." He certainly chose his adjective well, since “bigger” does seem to be the operative word here, except in regard to the one item Cialis does, at its best, reduce the size of, and that is, of course, the performance anxiety, or uncertainty, of the aspiring lover.

         
    A deep look at soap operas

     

    You have got to love soap operas. From the intricate plots and finely woven webs of deceit, to the depths of schemes, they were, are and always will be classics. They are timeless. I wrote this article as my take on them back in 1970 when filling white space for our high school paper. Watch a few soap operas for the next few days and see for yourself how closely they resemble the soap operas of 36 years ago... And now for that thought provoking question that plagues men’s souls unceasingly through the bright shining of the day and through the untold dark depths of the night: Why did Peter, who in reality is actually Superman, fake that he stubbed his toe on the 17th stone on the sidewalk starting at 4th and Grand instead of the 16th stone, which was bigger and more logically the victim of that invulnerable toe and why did Marlys take Sam’s advice to buy the yellow tulip instead of the red and green carnation, while all the time Rodregus knew that the curvaceous young Pandora was at the moment buying the last purple, double-breasted, duck-billed, warbling giraffe in the world for her dear departed Phillip disguised as a lowly second mate on the Queen Mary, which was under attack by the tyrant Cedric because of the terrible beating he had suffered at the hands of Radcliff whose ex-wife Natalie was actually Percival’s long lost great-great-uncle Maximillian in disguise who knew that Zigmond was fond of un-pitted olives stuffed into green grapefruit filled graciously with Granny and Gretchen’s goulash, which was gradually getting gooey and who also knew of Jennifer’s contact Louella in the deep Congo, seized at the time by the dread Gardenia, the 7th cousin of Guenivere, in hopes of receiving the eight-ounce bottle of Elmer’s Glue stored in the vast files in the cortex of Courtney’s colossal computer complex carefully compiled to correct the current curling, commonly crusading as the contagious, communicable, crystalline, cucumber crud, carried on cue sticks by crying cuckoo clock birds continuously to conform with the cunning Cornelius’ cumbersome plot to corrupt the currency and continue the crisis of the Cormandel Coast Cult, complicated by the coroner Cort’s corny connotation to conceal his consecutive coronary contractions constantly crippling his conscious efforts to contradict congenial counterparts’ careful counterfeit correspondence with Corwyn, the cosmic cosmetician? Was it because Bill had green eyes or was it because Melissa meddled menacingly and meticulously in Maude’s plans to read the calendar to see what year she had been sent to by her superiors in the future? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting climax created by another deep question.

         
     
         
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