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    Marriage counseling use the waiter rule to evaluate a date or partner

     

    Working my way through college, I waited tables and tended bar. Though I have several degrees with an emphasis on human behavior and psychology, I swear I learned more about people from slinging hash and pouring drinks. I can remember accidentally spilling a few drops of an ice cream drink on a lady’s skirt and being totally humiliated as she screamed at me in the restaurant. I also recall a very kind man who didn’t get upset even though there were repeated problems with his order. Rudeness to service staff reveals information about a person’s character reported in a recent article in USA Today. Office Depot CEO Steve Odland, who also waited tables as a teenager, states, “You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she treats a waiter.” It seems that he is not the only CEO to discover the “Waiter Rule.” The Waiter Rule has been identified by many executives, including Raytheon CEO Bill Swanson. There is one rule that Swanson says never fails: “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person.” Swanson first identified this phenomenon when he was eating with a man who became irate to a waiter because the restaurant did not stock a particular wine. “Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with,” Swanson writes. “Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles.” The Waiter Rule has also been noticed on the dating scene. A November survey of 2,500 by It’s Just Lunch, a dating service for professionals, found that being rude to waiters ranks No. 1 as the worst in dining etiquette. Some waiters report that women will actually pull them aside to see how much their dates tipped to obtain insight into his use of money and other tendencies. The Waiter Rule can also apply to how people treat those in other service roles like bellmen, hotel maids, clerks and secretaries according to USA Today. This can be more indicative of someone’s character than all the charm you experience in the relationship. Using the Waiter Rule can be an accurate predictor of character because it isn’t easily learned or unlearned. It is more likely a person’s true colors and speaks to how they were raised and their value system. How a potential partner treats a waiter may be how they will treat you. Some behaviors that indicate a problem: *Playing the power cardments like “I could buy this place,” or “Do you know who I am?” reveal more about the diner’s character than his wealth or power. It is unlikely that he will be compassionate to you if he is consumed with power and control. *Having a short fuse. This person may have an ego that is out of control. It is a way of saying that she is better than the wait staff; she is special. These people tend not to be collaborative in relationships. *Demanding about every detail. You may be looking at a micro-manager who consistently sends the message that your efforts are not good enough. He may be critical and demeaning rather than supportive and encouraging. *Speaking in a condescending manner. The message here is clear; she thinks she is better than those in subordinate positions. She may have a need to feel important by putting others down. *Making a public scene. If he embarrasses you in the restaurant, he will embarrass you at home. At best he has poor manners, at worst, his judgment is faulty. Either way, he will not make a good partner. *Easily turning on and off the charm. These folks have situational values, which may also indicate situational ethics. People with firm character adhere to their value system regardless of the circumstances. Avoid these people like the plague. *Constantly looking around the room. Rather than being focused on the table conversation, he is distracted and not engaged. He may be looking to see who else is there or whether he is being noticed. Regardless, he will have the same behavior with you in other settings. *Poor tipper. She may justify leaving a poor tip with various complaints about the service or the waiter. Anyone who has ever worked in a service industry knows that it is very hard work with a low base pay. If the service is adequate, a 15% tip is customary. A twenty percent or more gratitude is standard for exceptional service. Try using the Waiter Rule whether you are evaluating a partner in a relationship. You may save yourself a lot of future problems by dining out.

         
    Marriage counseling when to save your relationship

     

    Happiness and fulfillment are two great components of a successful marriage. The absence of which, along with other things, may eventually cause marital disasters. The most basic principle that marriage counseling teaches is to save an existing relationship from total destruction and to lead both of the couple back to the path of marital bliss. Though marriage counseling may work for some, the truth remains to be the truth - there are marriages that may never be saved. For both conditions, there are corresponding reasons and factors. Many of these will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs. But the bottom line for both factors is that the willingness of both parties to restore the broken relationship is actually the ultimate driving factor. There are several reasons why couples seek marriage counseling. This is but natural, for there are endless possibilities why how people create conflicts in their marriages. Though it is widely accepted that all marriages are bombarded with difficulties some time in their lives, it is sad to note that many don't seem to override them. And most drop into the pitfall of divorce. The most natural conditions by which marriage counseling is often sought are when couples feel frustration, extreme sadness and severe hurt. These are frequently not new between the couples and had been growing around for years. Unfortunately, the only time that people enter marriage counseling is when the relationship is already on the edge of breaking down. This is reason enough why young couples or those that are yet starting to sense fraction in their relationship have the greater chance of fixing the marriage. It is not wrong to aspire for happiness. But it is not often that way. To get rid of further troubles, it is wise to accept this reality and to work towards achieving happiness on a more sensible and realistic approach. Marriage demands hard work. It obliges the couple to commit themselves to the consequences of their relationship. They often need to suspend their egos and to drop down the claim for who is right to get around the issues that may send them shouting over dinners. Agreeing to drop the "who is right" thing is a crucial part of both the marriage and marriage counseling. Without this, everything may all be in vain. It may have been observed that throughout this article, saving the marriage is only the central discussion. But how about for those couples who insist for divorce? Marriage counseling may also answer for that. However, it may be a much longer process, especially when children are at stake. If the marital relationship may not be saved, then the best solution to this is for the couples to transform into friends or willing co-parents towards the growth of their children. This way, pain may be lessened while contributing to a much constructive process. During the stage of dissolution, extreme pain and other mixes of emotions may be felt. This state may be further aggravated by the obvious emotional and physical separation. For the majority of cases, this state may come to the level of mourning and distress. Marriage counseling may be of best help during this condition as it may help to bring out unexpressed emotions between the couples. Once the signs of marriage destruction have made themselves transparent for the couples, it is best to seek marriage counseling in the earliest possible time. Or you might be too late to save the relationship.

         
    Marriage counseling for prevention

     

    An unfortunate by-product of our insulated culture is that therapy, including counseling, is seen as a sign of weakness or that a relationship has turned sour. This does not have to be the case - in fact, many marriage relationships that are strong can benefit from the services a professional counselor can offer. There are a few stages in marriages, and counseling can be extremely important in each of them. The first stage is the time before the couple actually gets married, after the decision to take the big step has been made. Good counseling at this time can help the couple to anticipate areas of conflict that may arise when the actual event takes place. Couples who have not previously lived together may not be fully prepared for what it means to have another person live in your life 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It is critical that these couples be prepared for the challenges that face them, form the dividing of the household and other workloads to issues that will come up when it comes to finances, sex, and free time. Couples that have lived together might also find some pre-marital counseling beneficial, as the actual process of marriage seems to alter the expectations of the relationship in many different ways. Above all, counseling before marriage can help a couple identify potential trouble spots within the relationship that may be exacerbated once the commitment has been made. Counseling over the course of the marriage can also help to strengthen the relationship as well as identify potential areas of conflict before they boil over into larger fights. A counselor is trained to hear what the people speaking are saying, while partners in a marriage will inevitably filter out some of the other person’s message, no matter how clearly they believe they are putting it forward. An attentive counselor can therefore be expected to have the ability to head trouble off at the pass. Marriages will also experience considerable upheaval with the arrival of a new baby, and in fact the family dynamic can be expected to change with the arrival of each subsequent child. A counselor will again have the background to enable him to identify potential trouble spots and the education to offer problem solutions so that the couple does not find their relationship ambushed in a time of upheaval. Regardless of your feelings on the strength of your relationship, good marriage counseling is a great option just to make sure that the lines of communication stay open. Even people who are hopelessly in love may not realize that their partner does not have the same impression of a situation that the individual is experiencing. A counselor will help to identify and clarify these areas, and offer solutions to keep them from arising in the future. Remember that counseling is not a sign of weakness. It does not even mean that there are necessarily problems within your relationship; instead, it may just be another tool to keep your relationship at its very best.

         
    Marriage of hearts

     

    Marriage is one of the oldest customs known to us. It is difficult to answer about why a couple would like to marry, if they can live together even otherwise. But marriages are considered a proper union worldwide in most cultures and religions. If one looks at a married couple, one can plot a graph of happiness in marriage and the years of married life. With most of the couples, one may find that the happiness decreases as the years pass. There may be many reasons for this, and every study will bring out newer results. Let us think about how a married couple can have a marriage of hearts that will have happiness forever like we find in books of fiction. How does one define a marriage of hearts? One way of saying would be, that both the partners are very emotionally attached to each other. They care for their partner. Their thoughts become one, their views become one and they live with each other in all the senses. There are no compromises. Look around yourself and you will find the neighborhood full of marriages where compromise is a way of life. What true joy can a marriage full of compromises can give? True togetherness comes with the marriage of hearts. How to make one's marriage a marriage of hearts? The first step should be absolute openness about everything. To begin with, tell your partner about everything that you feel about him/her and about yourself. All of us do self talk, Isn't it? We talk to ourselves. During this kind of talk, we are very open, because we don't worry about the reactions. Let your talk with your partner become something like self talk. Openness gives two benefits. One - your partner knows very precisely about your views, your likes and your dislikes. So there is no tension to think about what is going on in each other's mind. The second benefit is faith. When you tell everything very openly, you are sending the message of faith. I have full faith in you. I feel totally open with you. I want to hide nothing from you. How to react to your partner's openness? Once your partner begins telling everything very openly, you will get many shocks. You never knew that he/she was thinking like this for some issue! What to do? First - appreciate the openness. If you are shocked with few thoughts, put yourself in his/her shoes in find out if you also don't have opinions that may shock the other party? One must always think of two issues. 1) Who is the person who is holding the views that I don't like? 2) Are the views more important or the person? Also think if you are always the best judge of views. Should you be deciding what is right and what is wrong? Do you change your opinions from time to time? With the openness of thoughts, there will be no possibility of any conflict about suppressing your personality to keep the marriage alive. As both of you open up, discussions will improve in quality. And slowly both of you will begin understanding each other very well. As you come to know more about the true thoughts of your spouse, you will make efforts to see that he/she is not hurt by you unknowingly. Respect the other person and his/her views and desires at all the times. If you feel bad about anything, tell. Don't be quiet. Let the other partner know that you want her/him to change in certain areas. Request for change. In most of the relationships, people are unaware of the thoughts of their partner for a very long time. Both the parties suppress themselves to continue the facade of sharing and love. Such marriages may outwardly look successful, but give no happiness in life. Happiness and marriage of hearts comes only with openness and confidence about the relationship. Talk this out with your spouse and if you feel that you should become more open with each other and proceed towards true sharing in every sense, please do. One compromises in every relationship in life. Should marriage also be one such relationship?

         
    Marriage proposals will you ah um marry me

     

    So you met the love of you life and would like to make your marriage proposal. This is an exciting moment in your life. Have you thought up a few marriage proposals? OK, so you have made up a hundred marriage proposals and haven’t mind up you mind. Stop worrying, she’s just waiting for your marriage proposal. She has been hinting around now for a while, she’s ready to say YES to your marriage proposal. Here are some tried and true, serious and silly Marriage proposals especially for you … Practice Makes Perfect – Marriage Proposals. Now you’re ready to make your marriage proposal, you need some practice. Pick out some your marriage proposals and tape yourself to hear how you sound. Practice makes perfect so practice your marriage proposal over and over. Besides rehearsing in from of the mirror, try out your marriage proposal in front of your dog or cat. It’s like if your dog doesn’t go for you marriage proposal and wag his tail, better make up a new marriage proposal. Overall, cats are more picky, but a dog will even go for crummy marriage proposal if you toss in a dog bone. Chinese Restaurant - Marriage Proposals Take your fiancй to a Chinese restaurant and have the waiter give her a “rigged” fortune cookie for desert in which your ask her to marry you. Have your diamond engagement ring ready to go when she says yes! Camping Trip - Marriage Proposals Do you have a favorite camping site? What’s more romantic than making your marriage proposal where the two of you had lots of fun. Just You can make a game of the marriage proposals by playing twenty questions in your sleeping bag together. Another cool marriage proposals is to write in the sand or carve it into a tree. Beach Party - Marriage Proposal Throw a beach party and tuck the engagement ring into your swim trunks. You can hide the engagement ring in her beach bag. Better yet, make a sand castle, pop the question and tell her “You see this sand castle? Someday, I’m going to build you a real castle because you are my queen (then look at her with those sad puppy dog eyes or yours… Elegant Theater Date - Marriage Proposals There are a few versions of Elegant Theater Date Marriage proposals. The usual plot is you take her to her favorite movie, out to dinner and make your marriage proposal over dessert. You just pop the question and she says YES!. A cool option, you make your, marriage proposal in the lobby with a HUGE bag of popcorn in your hand.

         
    Marriage quiz

     

    To raise questions about your marriage and relationship and try to find answers is a very helpful exercise. It reveals quite a lot about the present state of affairs and gives hint about what corrective action can be taken to make the marriage stronger. One should not take the marriage and the relationship for granted but keep on quizzing about how it is going. Questions such as - what joy are we getting in our marriage, what faith we have in each other, are we in love, and so on will make anyone think and ponder over the married relationship. A marriage is like a river. It keeps on flowing through different obstacles. Consider the sea as the goal of marriage - to get joy in a married relationship and have a long and fulfilling marriage. During the journey, a marriage will go through many ups and downs. It is for us to quiz ourselves about our marriage and sort out the issues that hurt us. We tend to forget that our marriage is made of two people. Our focus is always on how we feel, what we want, what we are getting, how to satisfy ourselves more, our partner's behavior with us and so on. As we focus more about ourselves, our partner gets to feel neglected. It is difficult to say how many of us quiz their partner about how they are feeling with the marriage and raise all the questions in the context of how they are feeling and what they desire. As we focus not only on ourselves but also on our partner, the marriage will become stronger. Because the partner will get the feeling of getting attention about his/her feelings. Our selfishness should not kill our marriage, because it will always end in a disaster. One fine day when our partner walks out, we are shocked and wonder - what went wrong? We should have taken more care of our partner's feeling, desires and emotions. We never did that. So the result was their walking out. Why should we get surprised? We did that. Therefore it is important to quiz ourselves and our partner about our marriage continuously. That will show us the areas of dissatisfaction. That will make us aware of what has to be set right and what changes need to be brought to make a better marriage. You can try the marriage and relationship quizzes on Internet Websites to find out more about your married relationship. The more you know, the better informed you get. With more information, you can find out timely solutions to any cracks that may be developing in your marriage. A marriage should make us happy and not miserable.

         
    Marriage relationship in focus strengthen it today

     

    Why is it that after the marriage ceremony and the honeymoon everything between the couple goes back to normal? It is like a bright light that suddenly dims. It seems like they have dreamed and then suddenly when they open their eyes, they find themselves back into reality. They fall back to their usual routines except that they are now sort of handcuffed together. The only problem is there is no key for such handcuff or is there? Well, the answer lies in the couples themselves. Beginning a life with your partner, awkward moments can be experienced especially when you already have your own children. Your attention will be focused on them. Your romance will now be set side. For your marriage to go smoothly, the best thing to do is for both of you to look back to the very basic of your relationship. Sort out the things to maintain the marriage. You should think about the time that you realized that you love each other and let that love flow through out. Couples have to understand the differences of the way each of them views things. It is important that couples fully support each other especially on decision-making and each has to respect one’s decision as well. Remember the pledge you once both shared on your wedding day that you would be there for each other for better or for worse. A good communication is the foundation of a good marital relationship. If one of you committed something or said something wrong, talk about it forget your pride and simply ask for forgiveness. It important to express what you feel. Both of you should be good listeners as well. Couples should discuss everything including rules issues, problems and even little things. Everyday, couples should show that they care for each other. As many times as possible, tell your spouse that you love him/her. Do little stuff to show your affection, like take him to dinner or a movie treat would be a sweet idea. It is said that little things can produce large outcomes. It is important and essential to understand that growing the relationship is one of your major priorities. Aside from this, couples should maintain a loving relationship. Each of you must be honest, patient and loyal. Moreover, each of you must learn to take on a responsibility. Taking responsibility extends to your feelings, thoughts, defenses, and understanding. As the saying goes, “Marriage is not a game.” The person you will be marrying is thus someone you will be stuck with for the rest of your life. A marriage though is destined to suffer some pain and grief. This is the reason why most marriage relationships fail. Marriage is not simply what we thought we could just come and go or do anything as we pleased or do or not do the dishes. Marriage does not work that way. Most marriages fail mainly because of things like pride, unselfishness and self-control. Most people say that like money, pride too is a source of evil. Financial and sexual problems are only minor ones. Marriage can either be a source of happiness or bitterness. The success o your marriage depends upon the question of to what extent are you willing to sacrifice. This is the most likely question we should ask ourselves.

         
    Marriage saving advice have a soul connection with your spouse even if all seems lost

     

    Many of us realize that marriage is not the easiest relationship in the world, but why is it so hard? Unless we adopt children, the only relatives that we get to choose are our spouses. Seems like it should work out, right? We can not change our parents or choose new siblings, but marriage-- ahh that's a whole different thing. Marriage brings out the best and the worst in a person's character and shows us what we are capable of doing, both positive and negative. This special relationship challenges our mental, spiritual, social, and physical selves. Unfortunately, the natural human reaction to hard or stressful situations is fight or flight. So after a few major disagreements with a spouse, frustrated partners second guess their initial decision to wed. The wheels start turning, and the flight response to the stressful situation becomes more and more attractive. But what can you do if the fires of passion have burned out and only angry ones remain? How can you keep your soul connection with your spouse even during times of conflict? 1. Have confidence in the decision that you have made. Then realize that just like you wouldn't normally divorce your mom or dad when they get on your last nerve, divorcing your spouse shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind when he/she annoys or disappoints you you repeatedly. I know it's hard, but it's a key factor in the success of your marriage. 2. If God is not at the center of your relationship, consider welcoming Him into the situation. To start, only one spouse needs to make this decision, but it's best if both of you are on the same page. Praying together, and as individuals, can provide a solid foundation for your marriage and give you greater insight into what concerns your partner the most. You can start with your own words or with a few books on prayer. A book that has been helpful for me, and numerous people I know, has been, Stormie Omartian: Power of a Praying Wife. The book covers everything from finances and career to sexuality, affection and emotions. It shows wives how to pray for their husbands even if they feel like they don't have the words. And it gives excellent advice for channeling frustration, hurt or anger into productive energy. If you are a husband, try Power of a Praying Husband. Stormie enlists the help of her husband and other men for insight and wisdom in writing this book. 3. Make mutual respect a priority in your communication. If you find yourselves attacking each other personally, instead of discussing the pros and cons of a particular decision or action, then take a step back to reevaluate the situation. Choose words that reaffirm while getting your point across. For example, instead of saying: "I hate it when you don't make time to be with me... the kids... etc." TRY "Remember when we did XYZ? That was so much fun and the kids loved it too. Want to do it again?" SPOUSE'S REPLY HERE "Great! What date works for you?" Additionally, don't let other family members--kids, in-laws, steps, exes cloud your communication with each other. When they want to butt in, *respectfully* tell them to butt out. Then re-prioritize and refocus your attention on each other. 4. Listen even if you feel like you've heard the same statement hashed over and over again. Sometimes venting is necessary, and if your spouse can't release his/her mental baggage with you, to whom will they voice their concerns? The lack of listening skills in marriage is one reason emotional infidelity gets started in the first place. If you take the time to listen now, you can avoid the headaches and heartaches associated with these extramarital relationships. 5. Start a ritual just for the two of you. Ideally, you'll both take time out to do it every day or a few times a week. Engaging in ritual behavior, like sharing coffee, watching funny movies together or taking walks, gives you something to look forward to and can help you build intimacy. 6. Consider an organized marriage retreat. Retreats are great because, the facilitators give couples helpful tools for communicating, relating and often mating. You'll see other couples who are going through the same challenges, and you'll have time to focus solely on your relationship. No work, no kids/in-laws, no well-meaning friends, and no focusing on the ills of life. 7. Finally, make a point to get away every once in a while. This idea dovetails from the previous suggestion, but this time you and your honey will be alone. Whether you get your kids out of the house for a weekend or you book a seven day vacation to the Bahamas, it is necessary for you and your husband or wife to have extended alone time without any distractions. These are just a few suggestions to help you renew the soul connection with your spouse. When married4good/ officially launches in November, we'll have tons of articles and resources on the site to help you build a solid relationship. Make sure to visit us and get additional ideas for strengthening your marriage.

         
    Marriage should not be a compromise

     

    Everyone has heard the old adage that marriage is all about compromise. That should not always be the case, though! Every issue should not be about compromise or your marriage will seem like a constant business negotiation, and someone will always feel slightly cheated. This can lead to resentment and bitterness. While many issues in marriage do require a great deal of compromise, sometimes you should just give in. In other words, pick your battles wisely. Each spouse in a marriage should not be giving 50% all of the time. That is only half of what you have to give. You should be giving your all, 100%, all of the time. Then, you both will be giving your marriage all of your commitment and effort. While meeting halfway in the name of compromise is important, you should be willing to give in at times as well, for the sake of your spouse’s happiness. Romance isn’t really romance when it’s only convenient for you or your partner. Romantic holidays or occasions such as St. Valentine’s Day or birthdays are only truly romantic if you go think of them the rest of the year. That doesn’t mean spending a lot of money, either. Offer to stop on the way home to pick something up for dinner. Drop your spouse off and pick him or her up at the airport for business trips. Pitch in with the housework, cooking, and childcare without being asked to. Instead of mulling over how to be romantic, simply do it. Romance is in the little gestures. If you spend too much time thinking about it, you will constantly talk yourself out of it. You will worry about rejection, and be afraid that your gesture will go unnoticed. Don’t think about it, just do it! The first step in becoming more romantic is by listening to your spouse. Not just listening to what they want, but listening to their successes, their failures, their feelings. By listening to your spouse with your eyes and ears and heart, you will show that person how committed you are to him or her. That deed will not go unnoticed! You will get an in-depth look into your spouse’s soul, and will know exactly what to do to keep the romance alive with him or her. Being supportive and thoughtful will give you the opportunity to fall in love all over again.

         
    Marriage tip 1 it is ok to be single

     

    : Here are 7 Tips for single woman from people who have a happy and long-term marriage… Tip #1: It is OK to be Single First of all, DON’T PANIC. Remember: * There is no shame being single! * Marriage is not for everyone! * No need to marry a fool! Marriage is not the destination for the entire human race. Being single is not a sin; you can choose to remain single, as long as it makes you happy. Always remember why you want to get married: to find somebody who MAKES YOU HAPPY and be happy with him for the rest of your life. Marriage is not for your parents, although your parents might want to just grab somebody on the street to finish this job. Marriage is for your friends. Why you care others’ voice more than the one from your own heart? Marriage is not for saving face: there is no shame being single! Marriage is not just another step in your life, just like going to college, finding a job or getting promoted. Trust me. It is a turning point in your life! Marriage is not finding a patron or a living ATM: it is an enjoyable journey for you and another soul. Marriage is not putting a beautiful dummy beside you: beauty is just a skin deep and will fade in years. Marriage is not to get Children. Children are its natural result, not the purpose. Marriage is not to get sex. You can get sex without marriage! Marriage is not to get married. No need to marry a fool! A bad predicament possible is being married to someone you do not love. It will cause no end of grief and complications in your life. An even worse living hell is being married so someone you do not love. Life is too short to waste this way! Here are 7 Tips for single woman from people who have a happy and long-term marriage. Click here to get your FREE copy or go to roseforlove/7tips. html

         
    Married or maiden name behind the last name change

     

    : Suffering From Identity Crisis? Call it the precursor to the “Mommy Wars,” the name change debate can be just as ruthless, just as grievous, and that seemingly perfect solution, just as elusive. Granted, for many women – the name game is a non-issue. In fact, The Lucy Stone League, an organization named after a woman who refused to take her husband's name when she married in 1855, estimates about 90 percent of women marrying today will drop their own name to take their husband's. Hmmmm – so is the great debate merely a grand illusion leftover from bra-burning second wave feminists of the 1970s? Hardly. Because while most women say “I do” to taking their husband’s last name, a great many of them struggle with the concept and the decision. A quick glance at some online forums dedicated to the topic affirmed that this is still a hot button issue – with judgment, perceived or actual, running rampant on both sides of the proverbial fence. Even those brides who didn’t agonize over the decision are painfully aware of potential ramifications of their married name and judgments the other camp may inflict; “Oh – you took his last name? Well, isn’t that so 1950’s house-wifey of you!” And the condemnation is by no means exclusive to one side… From the other side, you may hear, “So you hyphenated your last name? Are you that insecure that you feel the need to assert your independence with every penned signature?” And so on and so forth…The judgment of women by fellow women seems to begin with the name change and continues through to the next hot button issue – whether or not to work outside the home. And we all know that no one is going to solve these issues any time soon. Thus, it’s understandable that many engaged women struggle with the notion of the impending name change. If you are one of those women who can’t seem to find that easy answer - that perfect solution - relax in knowing that you’re not the first woman to wrestle with the concept, and you most certainly won’t be the last. Reasons Women Resist Changing your name is never easy; you must get a new driver’s license, passport, and credit cards. Then slowly you change subscriptions, membership cards, address books… The process is inconvenient and time consuming, but this doesn’t even factor how long it takes psychologically to accept a new married name as your true identity. The root of the dissonance lies deeper. • Identity - Let’s face it – the thought of changing the name that’s stamped on your birth certificate can seem like a door slamming shut on the woman that was. For many women this is a tough psychological transition to accept. • Cultural Significance - Some women, particularly from strong ethnic backgrounds, consider their maiden names a testament to a proud cultural background strongly tied to their character. Any other name would be an inaccurate depiction of their cultural identity. A woman of Asian descent, for example, may find it absurd to transform suddenly into a “Smith” or a “Jones.” • Family History - A rich and storied family background may have bore a woman a name wrought with historical meaning – signifying generations of ancestors who overcame countless obstacles to flourish in a new world. She may have a strong personal connection to such a name that she’s not quite ready to shake. • Professional Consideration - For women who have literally built names for themselves professionally, they may find a name change too difficult or too costly for their careers. • Lineage - Many women feel a strong urge to ensure their family name lives on. Perhaps you are the last in your generation who can pass down the family moniker and don’t want to be the cause of a dying breed. • Aesthetics - Yes, we all laughed at “Julia Gulia,” but many women do face the prospect of marrying into a name that either sounds ridiculous with their first name (a number of jokes come to mind), or a name that is extremely difficult to pronounce or spell. If you’ve been a “Jones” all of your life, going to a 5-syllable name may prove a tough transition. • Societal Implications - For some, the tradition of the woman changing her name upon marriage seems patriarchal and signifies a change in “ownership” from father to husband. You may ask why society still practices such a symbolically oppressive tradition in these supposedly modern times. Options Galore Just like the number of potential personal reasons behind the internal struggle, the range of naming options varies. Before making a hasty decision, realize that there a number of ways you can go in finding a name that fits. • Maiden in the Middle - Take his name – but replace your middle name with your maiden name. You can still have both names without the often-awkward hyphen. Implications - This is a great way to honor both your maiden name and your hubby’s. You will still have to go through the process of changing your name, however, and if you feel this solution does not properly address the societal implications of female ownership, this option may not work for you. You may also really like your middle name and hesitate to lose it. • Pass it On - Take his name – and give your maiden name to one of your children, either as a first or middle name. Implications - This is another good way to pay homage to your maiden name and ensure that it survives at least one more generation. Again, if you have concerns with the idea of changing your last name at all, this may not be the solution for you. • A Night and Day Difference - Keep your maiden name professionally and his name socially. You can go ahead and officially change your name, while keeping your maiden name at work and in professional circles (many celebrities do this). Implications - This option seems like a good compromise, but realize that many people will get confused, especially if a lot of your social network is comprised of professional acquaintances and vice versa. • Have it All - Add his name to the end of yours – essentially creating two middle names for yourself. You don’t always have to go by all four, and you will both have the same last name without the confusing hyphen. Implications - You will still essentially have his last name; if this is a problem for you, this may not be a solution. You may also find that your maiden name gets lost amongst the four names over time. • Call in the Hyphen - Use a hyphen to link your last name with your husband’s. Implications - This option lets you have the best of both worlds, but can be tough on the tongue and even the ear. Of course, there is also the whole conundrum: Mrs. Long-Smith marries Mr. Tom-Jones, and they have a son named Mr. Tom-Jones-Long-Smith. Because of this, many perceive the hyphen as merely a one-generation solution. Also, consider the fact that your immediate family will all have different last names. There is something very unifying about introducing the bunch as “The Anderson Family.” • Get Creative - Create a new name – either hyphenated or a new name altogether that you both share. Implications - The epitome of fairness and compromise, this option solves the problem of multiple last names for the same family. However, if you were originally hesitant to give up your identity to take his last name, taking on a completely random identity with no ties to either of you may seem senseless. • His and Hers - Keep your name – both of you will have different last names entirely Implications - By keeping your name as is, you can forego the whole name change process. You stay you; he stays himself. Amazingly enough in these seemingly modern times, however, having a different last name from your husband can cause confusion. What will you name your children? And regardless of how many people you inform that you have kept your maiden name, some will still refer to you as Mrs. Husbandslastname. You will need to be prepared to handle this gracefully when correcting people. • Go Mod. - Keep your name – and he takes your name. Implications - Well, why not?? Women have been doing it for centuries, so it’s about time the tables turned. But let’s face it - even in these modern times - the idea of a man taking his wife’s last name can seem outrageously “out-there” to some. He may face some ridicule from his friends, and his family may or may not be supportive of the idea. And if you are insistent that your taking his last name is oppressive, why is it any less oppressive for him to have to take yours? • Go Traditional - Take his name – and join the ranks of 90% of women getting married today. Implications - Convenience-wise, taking his name will make your life easier (you won’t have to explain to countless strangers that yes, you really are married, and yes, little Tom and Jane really are your children. Deep down, many women see doing so as an act of love and commitment, not something to be judged in terms of gender politics. If being perceived as old-fashioned and dependent are what’s stopping you, assert your independence and ignore it. Instead, consider taking your husband’s name a sign of entering new stage in life, for there aren’t too many instances when it’s perfectly acceptable and even encouraged to shed your old skin and embrace a fresh new beginning. Of course, if letting go of your maiden name just doesn’t feel quite right for you – don’t fight it for tradition’s sake (see above for possible alternative solutions!) Things to Remember Regardless of the name you choose, invite your future husband into your internal dialogue. If the decision is troublesome for you, alert him from the beginning and discuss with him your reasons for debating the name change. The final decision should be one that is comfortable for both of you – and to heck with the rest of them! And just what can we take away from the sea of perplexities and countless naming options? It’s important to realize that a woman’s identity is not ultimately tied to her last name. Many women who take their husband’s last name are far from traditionalists. Likewise, not every woman who keeps her maiden name – or some combination of both – possesses the feminist fire of a Lucy Stone. So yes, pondering whether to change our last names often involves an internal struggle, but we women should delight in knowing that our true character is more complex than a name. If the perfect solution proves elusive, rest assured that regardless of the name you take – you will always be yourself – in all your mannerisms, quirks and idiosyncrasies that make you uniquely you. Cheers to you! For a complete guide to creating an elegant and memorable wedding celebration, visit elegala/ , your ultimate wedding planning resource.

         
    Marrying a russian bride

     

    There are many women today that want to leave their country to come to the United States. One way for these women to do this is to have someone from the United States buy them or marry them in order for them to leave their country and come to live in the states. This is a way for most of these women to leave behind a world of abuse or neglect and come to a free land. A Russian bride is just one of the deals that can be bought. Many women in Russia long to come to America and have a happy and loving relationship with a man. This is something that they cannot do in their own part of the world. These women will decide to advertise themselves and have some man buy them for their bride. There are a lot of organizations that do this online and off. If you are interested in finding a wife this way, you will need to be careful and avoid the scams. If the Russian bride decides that she does not want to be married to the man any longer, she will then be deported back to Russia and will lose her right to be in the States. It is sometimes a game between the man and the women just to be able to live in a wonderful country and have a loving family at the same time. A Russian bride is someone that has grown up in Russia and now wants to become an American citizen. For this reason, they will allow their bodies to be bought by unknown men in which they will marry in return. These women will have to assume the role of wife to these men and remain that way in order to stay in the United States. There are many online sites that offer this Russian bride service. When you visit these web sites, you will be able to see the women and find out some information about them. You will get to actually choose the women that you want to meet. After this, you can form a long distance relationship; buy writing letters, talking on the phone and possibly even meeting. The Russian bride may encourage the man to pay for tickets so that she can come for a visit. After a short time period of getting to know one another, both the man and the women can decide if this is the right thing for them or not. Once decided, the women will then come to the United States to be married to the man. First however, the fee has to be paid to the agency in which she is sold from. Both parties need to execute caution and be aware of the problems that can arise from this situation. Neither party wants to get scammed and in fact in some cases, both the Russian bride and the man are both looking for a meaningful and loving relationship to last a lifetime.

         
    Mary and ralph

     

    These days, new communications technology allows us all to conduct our social affairs at the touch of a button or the click of a mouse. Text messages, email and chatrooms allow us instantaneous access to friends, acquaintances and perfect strangers across the world without ever having to speak face to face, new dating and social networking sites spring up every day, relationships and marriages are made (and broken) via these channels on an even more frequent and burgeoning basis. But all these technological and social changes are largely confined to the past fifteen or maybe twenty years. To try and gain a sense of how romance was conducted i the days before every house had even a television set, let alone a wireless internet connection, we talked to Mary Walton, 84, who married her late husband Ralph on the 14th of July 1942. They remained married until Ralph's death from a stroke in 2000. Mary recalls vividly her first meeting with Ralph: “He was this handsome young soldier, home on leave from fighting in the war. I'd known him vaguely before the war as he lived only a couple of streets away and our fathers knew one another from around the way. Anyway, it was the middle of June and I was working in Coates, the corner shop at the time. I was outside one morning, stood on the stepladder washing down the windows. As Ralph was coming past from the station, one of the old men from around the way called to him because he was a soldier in uniform, which used to mean you got an awful lot of respect from everybody at that time. So, as Ralph turned to give this chap a reply his kitbag got all tangled up in my stepladder so that when he walked on he pulled me right over! It wasn't that far to fall as it happened, but the bucket of water went flying all over me. Oh, I was livid! Ralph picked me up and started apologising but I wasn't having any of it, I laid right into him, calling him all sorts of names - I was quite the little madam in those days you see and here was this filthy soldier still mucky in his uniform, tipping water all over me and then manhandling me with his dirty great paws! Anyway, there I was scolding him like a fishwife in the street, getting all hot and bothered and he just started to laugh! Well, I couldn't believe it! I thought I'd have a heart attack right there I was so cross, but that's when I first looked at him and saw the man I fell in love with, just standing there laughing at me being cross with his little blue eyes all twinkling and his handsome smile! I just ran out of steam and stood looking up at him, and he told me that he was going home to his bath and that he'd come and meet me for closing and take me out dancing, and I couldn't refuse, couldn't say anything at all. We were married a month after, three days before Ralph went back to the war. You didn't hang about in those days what with all that could get in the way, you saw a chance and you grabbed it! Fifty-eight years of marriage we had together, and I've never regretted a moment of it.”

         
    Matchmaking for marriage relationship i

     

    : Revival of traditional matchmaking service Nowadays, communication has never been so fast; meeting people has never been so easy. But more and more people are looking for and using some kind of matchmaking service -- online or offline. We all see the revival of the millennium-old traditional matchmaking service industry. People looking for matchmaking service are serious love and marriage seekers. They are quite prepared to pay a huge amount of money in exchange for the highest rate of success in the shortest time possible. The Guinness Book of World Records listed Orly Hod (Orly the Matchmaker) -- whose fees run up to $100,000 -- as the world's priciest matchmaker. We do not have to look at the statistics before we know that more people live longer today than those a century ago; more people get divorced today than those a century ago. We begin to wonder why marriage relationships would not last longer than those a century ago. Anyone could easily give dozens of reasons. Of course, most people would think of love and marriage relationships are more an art than a science. But recent research has discovered that even personality and behavior orientations have genetic determinants, and so do marriage relationships. We also see what the matchmakers are basically applying in matching people is the so-called "scientific" tools -- psychological tests, whether they are called compatibility tests or personality profiles. Most of the matchmakers take the view that compatibility is the golden rule. They are like those ancient people looking at the sky, seeing the Sun rising from the east and falling to the west and thought that the Sun was rotating around the earth which was believed to be the centre of the universe. As a matter of fact, marriage relationships do not seem to depend on compatibility. There are numerous real cases that some couples disliked each other badly, but were able to stay together for their entire lives, while some other couples loved each other deeply, but were only able to enjoy each other's company for a very brief period of time. That is why there are so many great love stories like "Romeo and Juliette". If the problematic issues of marriage relationships can aptly be resolved by employing compatibility tests, life would relatively be easy. But is there anyone who is open-minded and prepared to look into any other alternative means that could really help those desperate marriage seekers? Relationships might not depend on compatibility.

         
    Minor but important duties for your wedding party bridesmaids and groomsmen

     

    Your wedding party is a major factor in the success of your wedding day. Too many couples assume that once they've selected their brides maids and grooms men that they are finished. Unfortunately, many people don't know what it means to be in a bridal party. Bridesmaids and groomsmen need to do more than just look pretty. Put these people to work! If your wedding party knows the who's, what's, when's, and why's, they will be able to handle many of the details that may derail the enjoyment of what should be your happiest day. Many sites will tell you the traditional roles for your wedding party. I'm going to give you some tips on additional (and non-traditional) jobs for your bridesmaids and groomsmen to perform so that you can spend your time on more important details. Babysitter: Make it the responsibility of someone in your wedding party to know where the rest of the wedding party is at all times. When time comes for someone to make a toast, the wedding party dance, the dollar dance, the garter auction, games, etc. it is frustrating for everyone to be waiting for that one person who is outside, in the bathroom, or talking to your cute cousin. Activity Leader: Put your bravest party animal in charge of leading activities. This person needs to be someone willing to lead a bunny hop, talk on a mic, lead people to the dance floor etc. Clean-Up Crew: Assign the task of making sure nothing gets left behind to one of your attendant's. It will be their job to check the area of the ceremony, reception, and dance to make sure none of the wedding party left things like bags, purses, shoes, coats, wallets, keys, etc. Nanny: Find your most child loving attendant, and give them the task of sheparding children off the dance floor during special events and dances. Children are great, but they don't realize that the Bride and Groom's first dance is not an appropriate time for them to be chasing bubbles on the dance floor. Designated Driver: Don't forget this important job! No need to let senseless tragedy ruin your perfect night. While these are not traditional roles for your average wedding party, assigning someone to these tasks will make your day less stressful so you can spend your time making your wedding beautiful.

         
     
         
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