Walking on egg shells! Has anyone ever told you, that's how they feel around you? If they have, it's a huge red flag and one that should not be ignored. It needs to be dealt with immediately. Relationships are a tough challenging part of our lives. Especially when dealing with matters of the heart. As truly good as they make you feel, they can in turn tear you apart from the inside in a heartbeat. When the red flags start to rise up, that's when your relationship is crying out for help. You need to address it, as if a baby was crying out to you. When someone says they feel like they are walking on egg shells, what is that telling you? It's telling you : that they can no longer be themselves in your presence. that they fear your reaction whenever they speak. that they are stuck, that they cannot move in either direction, for fear of upsetting you. It is also telling you that they need to stop this feeling that is tearing them apart. Many of us are guilty for causing these prison bars that surround our loved ones. We do not even realize that our own fears are doing this to them. We are so caught up in ourselves that we are blind to the world that we have created for them. Through our own fears we hear what they say in all the wrong languages. We interpret them through our weaknesses and turn what they say all upside down. Some of us react irrationally, forcing our partner to either take cover and hide or even worse become irrational themselves. This is when we both become deaf and blind. When the relationship war begins, there are no winners, only victims. What once was love, kisses and smiles has turned into an ugly vicious battle ground of snarls, hate, and searching for the lowest hit we can aim for. Wow, how does this happen so fast? We as humans are notorious for ruining so many very good things out of pure bad habits. No one wants to lose or be the one saying, "I am sorry" every five minutes, nor should a real relationship become a win/lose situation either. Who wants to walk on egg shells? Then again, no one wants to have to defend their every breathe to someone they thought loved them unconditionally and are committed to. Walking on egg shells sucks! If we cannot be ourselves with the one we love, then who can we be that with? This is not to say that a person should disrespect the other. When you know that something troubles the other person or makes them feel truly uncomfortable, it should go without saying that it is just not done. That is true respect. Why would you want to do something to hurt your best friend or even make your loved one feel out of place? In new relationships it does take time to get things organized as in any new situation. Moving into a new house, a new job, having a baby, or even planning a trip, we have to reorganize to accommodate our now livesmitting to another person is just the beginning of the book. It is just the title. Now you have to write the story and yes, make a few corrections along the way on both parts, but the trick is to constantly compare each others notes. Remember this: staying on the same page is what your relationship is all about. When we make a commitment to another person through love, we are taking on a responsibility to share our love and life with that person. We are silently telling them that we are now going to take in consideration their feelings as well as our own. Your once single-self life has now become a two-self life. This does not mean that you stop breathing and living. It just means that you are now sharing your life with this chosen person. It opens up a whole new world of respect. Remember also that you cannot gain respect if you do not offer respect. Life becomes a definite two-way street when two hearts are involved. There are also two minds working in this relationship now; two minds that are of opposite genders, two minds that will collide now and then. This is not a bad thing. We need to have differences to add spice to our lives. Be very careful of starting the "Poor Me", habit. This is another relationship red flag to watch for. Remember, walking on egg shells? If one partner becomes so caught up in their own worries and fails to share this with their partner, it will sneak in between you both and begin to build a very strong wall of negative habits. If you have read any of my other articles, you will know these negative habits well, jealousy, mistrust, low self-esteem and total loneliness. When your partner begins to feel they are slipping away from you, grab on and do not for a minute take that red flag for granted. Listen hard to their worries and love them more, not necessarily better. Just show more of your love. If they keep slipping away, then there is either nothing left to save or they need help outside of your relationship. It is so important to know your partner. Only then can you realize when they are in trouble. Do not allow your relationship to become the wallpaper in your house. No one wants to be a wallflower. No one with any self-respect that is. Another great phrase I hear all the time is, "Door Mat syndrome". Oh this is a very bad thing for couples to allow to take hold of their relationship. In many cases one partner has taken hold of it and falls into a control habit. This is something that plagues many relationships. When does one partner become the owner? I will use that word because it shows possession and control. This happens because it can. Some one has allowed this ownership to take place. STOP allowing this, please. A partnership, relationship, commitment, whatever you want to call it, is an EQUAL understanding of respect and love. There are no owners and no bosses. No one is above the other. Man should respect woman and vice-verse. This is a must in order to make a relationship strong enough to not allow negative habits any control. When there are no negative habits, there is no walking on eggshells. How much more simpler can it get. We are an intelligent species, so let us act intelligent when we decide to commit to another person. This is two lives we are dealing with here, not just another Hollywood movie. We are all going to age and all of us are going to notice our body parts going south. Guess what, no one is above that law. When you have found a true love, and are willing to invest your life with that person, please do not allow material things or negative fantasy ideals to come between you. It really is not worth it. When you feel unsure of something, or you feel negative emotions taking control of your mind, reach out to your partner. Don't walk on egg shells. Do not turn it into a war against your partner. Use all of your love to fight the negative relationship habits. Love is worth it. We all have our good and bad days. Some have more than others. So when it's a good day, then make it a really good day. Those are always remembered the longest. Don't walk on egg shells. We have to love ourselves first, then and only then can we love another! Tell each other often what you saw in each other, what you see now. Being reminded why we are "The One" helps us to act that way. -Toni Sciarra Poynter Dorothy Lafrinere Owner/Operator Website - womensselfesteem Weblog - justblogme/Dorothy Forum - womenselfesteem. proboards29.com email - dorothy@womensselfesteem
Matters of the heart are a true mystery to all involved. In order to make a commitment to a relationship, it takes strength and trust in another. When we trust our partner and we receive trust back, it is a very nice feeling. One should never betray or play games with that trust. Those games usually get caught, and a broken trust will surely create a huge wall of communication breakdown. When you truly trust another, you are opening your heart and mind to an outsider. You are at this time very vulnerable for just about any kind of emotional attack. Confusion and misunderstandings are amongst those emotions now. This is why communication is so important. It is the key to opening all those doors. Without it, the doors will remained locked and one will have to work very hard to break through. It is much more productive to just talk, listen, and understand your partner. I am not saying that this will be easy, but with love in your heart, it can be done. The end results will definitely be more lasting. For every forced door, there will be a negative memory to try to bypass in the future. When doors are open with love, patience and respect, they will have only good memories to savour and smile upon in the future. Those are extremely important in tearing down those walls. Communication is a very important act between two people. It even has more importance than sex to keep a relationship building stronger. In order to to communicate, it takes two willing and open minds. If one mind is closed, all that will happen is the other will grow in confusion and frustration. Some of us worry about the ABC`s in life and others worry about the EF&G`s in life. Thats OK. It is what adds to the color to our black and white life with each other. Yes it would be easier if we all worried and thought about things equally. It would be less confusing. But only for a short time. Soon enough our complacency with each other would get "OLD". It would be as if we could read each others minds, but what would be the point if we thought and worried the same. A little bit of controversy is a much needed thing in a relationship. It helps us to get to know another part of our partner and also our own selves. When we open our hearts to another, only then will we offer this part of us. Until then it isn't necessary. One very important thing about a person sharing their inner most fears and disappointments is never, ever, try to stifle that person or walk away in frustration. If someone is that open with you, embrace it and hear them out. Never belittle their concerns as being immature or nonsensical because you would never have those concerns. Remember the ABC`s, we all think differently. Only then can you both communicate, otherwise you will add another block to the wall of communication breakdown. When we are forced into silence, we begin to build walls. If we are not allowed to voice our inner feelings or disappointments, we will quickly stop trying to communicate forever. Once the first brick has then been set, the foundation of the wall to communication breakdown will rise up very fast. Trust me, there is not a single relationship that does not carry or tear down a brick to the wall of communication. There are many levels of relationships. Some of us are put into situations that take much courage to see past our hurts and disappointments. Just remember what brought your relationship together in the beginning. Many times we will be forced to return to page one and start from there. With open minds and nonjudgmental hearts we can get past many mistakes and problems that will arise in a relationship. Another favorite, but not so good habit that we as humans create, is to regurgitate things over and over again. I use the word "regurgitate", because that's how I view having things being tossed back in your face. Have you ever noticed that another lovely habit (NOT) that we as humans have is to only dig up the dirt when we are in the heat of anger? We do this time and time again, because we already know that these things are a guaranteed hit. It is a very cheap and bullish way to try to win a conversation. Is that not what most communication breakdowns are? Conversation wars that end up shooting old ammunition back and forth at one another? The problem there is that noone ever wins that battle. All that is really happening is that both parties have just taken an equal part in adding more blocks to the wall of communication breakdown. Both sides lose. Communication can only really work when neither party is being selfish, meaning that if one person is feeling that they are being attacked with every word that is coming their way, and it is all about hurting them. They have automatically closed an open door without even realizing it. Low self-esteem will surely make a person feel this way. Or if one partner gets carried away and will not stop to let the other party absorb what was just said, this too is a typical selfish act. That is why it is important that we take turns with each other and try to understand what is actually being said. If one partner misunderstands, and you are aware of that, then you are responsible to stop and work with them in a loving manner to get them to open that door. It is vital to not assume anything until the other person has completely finished. This is why the power of writing is so productive. One person writes his/her thoughts down, uninterrupted, without fear of being derailed from their thoughts and with the ability to just get it all of their chest, so to speak. People pay big bucks to be told just this, so listen up! If you find that your wall of communication breakdown is starting to build, then this habit of writing letters to each other is a very good way to bypass the wall. Always reread your letter before handing it over. That too helps you to maybe erase a thought or two that was purely emotional when writing it. We all know that old saying, "I did`t mean that, I was just upset at the time". Well there's a hind site tip for all of us struggling with that d**n wall of communication breakdown. Do you ever feel that you are so far under that wall, that you will never be able to communicate with your partner again and just want to run away? Before you run away, think about exactly what and why you are running from. Are you running from a partner that could very well be the best thing that ever happened to you? Or are you in fact running away from your own issues that you refuse to deal with? Remember this, if it is your own demons that you fear, you will run forever. You will never be happy. You will always blame your relationship or your partner for your downfalls. Running away is a cop out. It is a true weakness in character. To stay and fight and trust that your partner will understand your troubles is a true sign of courage and one that will be greatly respected. We all have our pasts. We must understand that yes, they did happen and that is what they are, past issues. To have your past continue to come between yourself and your partner is a bad thing. Whether it is a person or just an experience, it should be left in the past. This is where good communication comes to the rescue yet again. When we are made aware of certain issues in our partners pasts, it sometimes makes them easier to understand and deal with if they happen to come about again. If we are left in the dark and we have to meet up with another's past and it is not a very good experience, we will be weak in defense and our ability to communicate positively will be almost non-existent. Some people fear their partners pasts, viewing them as a threat to their own relationship. This is normal and should be dealt with through love and understanding. Again we must communicate with each other and not look down on anyone for their honesty and true fears. That wall of communication breakdown will never completely come down if we skip a few blocks and ignore them, or handle them so wrong that they double in size. A good strong relationship will endure most any mistake made by humans as long as both partners are willing and honest with each other. ******************************************** "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." - Anthony Robbins "Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and hugzzz" -Dorothy "Some think that love is all flowers and good times, but I think that love is more than just that. Love is the bad, as well as the better, not lived alone, but a journey together. Something that only the closest can share, with communication, respect," -Anonymous Dorothy Lafrinere Owner/Operator Website - womensselfesteem Weblog - justblogme/Dorothy Forum - womenselfesteem. proboards29.com email - dorothy@womensselfesteem
Recently, my wife, 7 year old daughter and I decided that since it was such a beautiful, cool, and slightly breezy evening that we would take a blanket outside, spread it out on the lawn with some refreshments, and enjoy the evening reading books. I grabbed a book that I had wanted to finish for a while, strapped on my seatbelt as it were, and got ready for some serious, uninterrupted reading. Except there was one little problem… My wife and daughter grabbed a book they “said” they were going to read together. And for the next hour and a half that we spent on the lawn, they were both up and down, in and out of the house, giggling, laughing, playing, getting this, getting that, teasing each other, and in general, fooling around. If doubt they read 10 lines of text the whole time. Now on my end, I’m wanting to read my book and so I found myself starting to feel a little bit aggravated. My focus was on reading and anything that interrupted me or distracted me from my reading was a nuisance and an irritant. In fact, I went so far as to say to them, “You girls aren’t getting much reading done are you?” It was their look of puzzlement, that look at me as if I was from outer-space or some foreign place that caused me to remember that which I already knew… Females are focused on relating. And anything that interrupts them or distracts them from their relating is a nuisance and an irritant. And therein lies the “rub”. Men are focused on the “doing” while the women are focused on “connecting”. So how do you improve your relationship with your wife? Of course, there are many answers to this question, but pertaining to this article, the way to improve your relationship with your wife is to force yourself to set aside whatever it is that you are “doing”. Totally forget about “doing” anything and instead focus on the “connecting” and “relating” that she’s wanting. Realize that whatever the “doing” part is supposed to be is really nothing more than a platform upon which she wants to “connect” and “relate”. But be warned, if you take time “connect” and “relate” to and with her, she might end up “doing” you if you get my drift… Happily, that’s exactly what happened to me. ###
You have a relationship for some time, you love your partner, and you want to show it? Maybe you tell her sometimes "I Love you" but you may feel that after a while this will lose that special charm. If you tell her every day that you love her, it will become usual and will not have any effect on her anymore. After a while, she might think that you just say it and you do not mean it anymore, and she will wonder if you still care about her. Therefore, it is better not to tell her so often that you love her, you may show her. Actions speak more than words. In order to show her your true feelings, you have to make her feel special with you even if you are together for a very long time. All the time you have to keep your relationship alive and do not permit that routine come into your lives. Here are some useful ways to show her your love without saying it. Remember that sometimes you should tell her "I Love you" but make this in some special moments. Surprise her every day with something that she does not even thought that you would do for her. For example, after a night spend together, wake up earlier make her coffee so it is ready when she gets up and take it with her breakfast at bed. This is definitely a good start for a great day. Give her a soft kiss before you go to work and show her that even at work you are thinking at her and the time spent together by leaving her messages on her voice mail with a silly, romantic poem. Make everyday special. Spend quality time with the one you love, cook her favorite meal, place love notes in her lunch and don't forget to compliment her sometimes, tell her that she looks amazing like in the day you met. Get off work early and surprise her with a dozen of roses and dinner just to show how much you love her. Prepare a special evening with a candle- lit dinner. What can be more wonderful than wine and dine under the romantic glow of a thousand candles? Give her roses for no reasons at all. Deliver flowers with a special note attached "I Love you". However, never forget anniversary and birthday. In addition, you may offer her a special evening by making her a relaxing massage, rent a romantic movie, or create a romantic atmosphere by dancing in two on a slow music, your favorite one, and whisper "I Love you" in her ear. Every day you have to make some new things in order to keep your love alive, and your partner not to feel bored with you. Therefore, you always should try impressing her and making her feel good with you. For example, spend a night outside under the stars and talk about your first date, the other day prepare all the things and take her to a picnic, or plan a swim for two at the pool. You have many possibilities to show your love for her but do not forget that sometimes it is good to hear that three words "I Love you".
: As we all know wedding is the most auspicious moment in someone’s life. Everyone in this world has got a hidden desire to get married. People plan a lot for their wedding party to accomplish it with style. They even don’t hesitate to spend a good amount on their wedding. Bride and groom are always seems to be curious before the wedding date. But due to the burdens of arranging wedding stuffs sometimes we miss something really important. The wedding invitations are the essential part of a wedding. Now-a-days people do feel its importance before going for the necessary wedding arrangements. Wedding invitations are the best way to set the tone for a wedding straightaway. These are significant in various ways to set the platform for a successful wedding ceremony. This is because the bride or groom may have a little touch with their wedding guests. Since most of the wedding guests are distant family or family friends the bride or the groom needs to inform them all about their wedding venues, the time set for the wedding and lot of facts related to their wedding ceremony. Wedding invitations are just perfect to mention all those needful stuffs in an orderly and attractive manner. In a wedding invitation you can mention about the time when and where the wedding is going to occur or where the venue set for the wedding party etc is. These days many people love to arrange theme wedding. So you can too mention the dress code for your wedding party in your wedding invitation. You can always make your wedding invitation a memorable one by putting necessary information in a crystal clear way. So that your guest are not going to bother about anything related to your wedding. Simultaneously they can feel that they are being invited to the most memorable wedding party in their lifetime. Above all, selection of wedding invitations plays a significant part. Its really matter! You need to check out your budget and need. These days you can find several wedding invitations in the market that just made as per your budget and requirements. There are many sites online that deal in wedding invitations. They got a good collection of wedding invitations for your purpose and you can always view those collections online. As the trend and attraction of Internet going high in today’s world, websites that deals with wedding invitations are the best place for you to grab the stuff. It’s easy and most importantly affordable. For more details please visit: dependableprinting/
In the last one hundred years the boundaries and definitions of what makes a good relationship have been stretched and distorted into so many new and exciting shapes – some good and some awful. So what ‘makes’ a relationship work for you? And what’s more, what could you do to make the relationship that you are in now – even better? Could you seek more pleasure, better communication, more companionship or a better sex life from your partner? Well, hypnotherapy may be what you both are looking for to help you to achieve all of these goals and more. Within sessions of hypnotherapy, you would realize that over time, your mate will respond subconsciously and will also improve your relationship, even if he/she is not participating actively in dealing with the present issues that you are trying to improve! This means that even if your other half is not interested in going with you for therapy, they can still be affected by it and change for the better. If this is the case you will just be shown techniques that will allow your partner to take notice of the process and want to join in. There are many issues that can “Rock the Boat” when it comes to relationships, however if the reason that you are looking at this article is because you feel that your relationship could be improved, then let me congratulate you on deciding to use hypnotherapy! Hypnosis can help you make dramatic changes in your attitude which will ultimately improve your relations with others. And amazingly, - as YOU make these dramatic changes, your partner will respond unconsciously, and together you will co-create better communication and rapport. If this is a bit technical for you, in basic terms it means that hypnosis is effective in dealing with the way we think about things. Thinking is powerful, everything starts with a thought! People that have different perceptions normally have different ideas and views about things. By improving this type of communication you can completely change your relationships for the better! And this is not all. You will also have a tool to help you to achieve the life of your dreams for both you and your partner. Because hypnotherapy uses the natural processes of the mind and body, you will be amazed just how quickly you will see the benefits! Remember, relationships are not about – big houses, nice cars or even exotic holidays, but they are about two people living and enjoying life as one. With a little guidance and time you can truly build a beautiful relationship, now isn’t that what you deserve?
There are many reasons why younsters--and that includes boys and an increasing number of girls--join gangs. When you see your child falling under this unwelcome gang influence, here are some essential steps: 1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. You cannot over-communicate. Open the door, and make sure it stays open. Be a constant positive force in your child's life 2) Positive reinforcement. Most kids are good kids, they just get troubled and lose their way. Leave him with tape-recorder running inside his head, that he can't turn off. Tell him that he's a good kid; to hang on in there. that you love him and believe in him, over and over and over. Give him the "tools" he needs to find his own way home. You will need to discipline him, but always stress the positive. 3) Find a mentor. If your child's father can't be that mentor, then look for a strong male friend, or relative or even a volunteer from a mentoring organization. Get him involved in organizations, sports clubs, social clubs or church groups, places he can find support and strong peer support, as well as a 'coach' or male role model. Kids join gangs for any number of complex reasons. Before you condemn him, try to better understand what's driving your child down this path.
Ideally, everyone would like to be in a good relationship. In order to have such a relationship, it is necessary for us to continually develop and maintain it. It is indeed a lifetime commitment for us. Whatever age bracket we belong to or experience in life our relationship will encounter new and demanding challenges. For us to meet these challenges, we should develop flexible skills and better understanding. And there are different types of relationship. The relationship of a couple is perhaps the most important in our society. It is the primary relationship in the life of the people. It is the basic unit of society. Some relationships are basically sexual. All relationship that are healthy and good are based on mutual respect and can communicate effectively to each other. But we cannot deny the fact that there will always be problems in the relationship later on. Now the question is how are we going to solve the problems? And that will be the role of relationship counseling. It will guide us to make the right decision. The role of the counselor is not give the solution but to lead us in the process of decision making. This is in contrast with the role of an adviser wherein he is expected to give a definite decision by the concerned individual. Relationship counseling will give us new outlook and helpful alternatives. The counseling itself will equip us updated methods and way in order to face life`s challenges. In the counseling process, the couple will be given time to express their needs and fears and later on they will decide wisely whatever ill feelings and misunderstanding. It helps in the removal of hindrances for an intimate relationship. Conflicts are easily resolved by both parties. The skills in communicating are enhanced. Relationships are very much improved. People at present are very effective in communicating their thoughts and ideas. They could respond to situations instead of criticizing and complaining. Differences of ideas and beliefs are discussed instead of destroying the reputation of the other person. The parties involved in the relationship must be aware of their behavior in order to know how the relationship is affected. Let us remember that the main concern of relationship counseling is about the relationship. Relationship is actually is put to the test most of the time. We have a wounded relationship. That is the reason why relationship is taken as a patient to be cured and fixed. Relationship counseling is centered on how both parties answer the different issues they are supposed to face. There are some of them who do not respond, while others respond effectively. The good of the relationship is the primary concern for some people, while others do not bother. If we are going to undergo relationship counseling, then what are some of the things we could learn as and individual and a couple? We could mention a lot of them. As an individual • We will be able to discover a healthy relationship. • Improvement of one’s relationship. • We will be able to know what is needed in a relationship. • Knowing the obstacles of being close and committed. • Be able to make the relationship full of life, healthy and more fun. As a couple • Acquire a relationship that is full of love and fulfillment. • Be able to discuss the reasons why we have relationship problems • Able to end conflicts in a healthy manner. • Able to resolve issues in relation to commitment. • To have more intimacy and enjoyment in the relationship
Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic virtuoso, offbeat, wacky and insanely funny. He was also rude, abrasive and these days he'd qualify as verbally abusive. In film after film Margaret Dumont was on the receiving end of his scathing humour. She would fall for his iconoclastic charm and we the audience would fall about laughing at the sheer improbability of plot and seduction. Groucho remains a legend, not least for his inimitable one-liners, including the oft quoted: "I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member." His bon mot came unbidden to my mind recently when I read an email from someone whose relationship pattern, with partners and friends, is one in which she is sought out and enters into a close, often exclusive, relationship. Yet, before too long, the other person in the relationship always turns on her. "I kept thinking about it", she writes "and I know that there must be something essentially rotten within me to have me resonating with people like this in the first place. I wish I could extract whatever it is so that I would cease going through these emotionally painful experiences when these characters turn on me so viciously." Somehow, she feels, the other person's bad behaviour must be her responsibility – which is, of course, a nonsense. But this is as near as she could get to articulating the idea that something about her attracts abusive people. A brief friendly chat soon leads to them "hanging around her and wanting to spend loads of time with her". (Her words.) In fact what attracts these people is their sure sense of how easily her boundaries can be violated. A delightful, gentle person, she exudes vulnerability through every pore. That's the attraction she holds for them. But what of the attraction they hold for her? Nobody gets to be as vulnerable and susceptible as she is, irrespective of her considerable intellectual acumen, without undergoing emotional trauma in childhood and beyond. And this is where the hook is. She, like so many people, was fed messages about how worthless and stupid she was. When someone comes along and singles her out for special regard and special closeness, how could she refuse? For her, the attraction lies in the attraction that these people so obviously feel for her. Naturally, there is a price to pay: the intimacy of the relationship is of the 'Us and Them' variety, and requires her too to buy into criticism of everyone who falls into the 'Them' category. It starts small with the odd jokey remark, then becomes increasingly judgmental, and potentially compromising. Ultimately, when she refuses to join in condemning people she has no quarrel with, the relationship founders and she becomes the target. And this is where Groucho got it right: the people who are falling over themselves backwards to involve you in their club, who work too fast and are too keen, are probably the sole members of a club you really wouldn't want to be a part of. Certainly Groucho's words suggest an uneasy relationship with himself (to say the least); but it is especially when people have an uneasy relationship with themselves that they need to exercise all care in deciding which clubs they would be well advised to join. When it’s the 'Us and Them' club, take Groucho as your role model and just tell them straight: "Go, and never darken my towels again." That should do it! (C) 2005 Annie Kaszina
My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public,” or “I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on,” or “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.” This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the other’s continued unkind or undesirable behavior. While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another’s behavior. What we can control is our own response in the face of others’ behavior. A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example: “I’m no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. The next time you do that, I will announce to everyone that I’m unwilling to be put down by you any more. Then I will leave and take the car or a cab home.” “I’m no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars.” “Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leave the room.” Then, of course, you have to take the action you have said you would take. If you do not take the action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action. The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If you intent is to control the other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact – just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed. We cannot hide our intent – it will always come through in our energy and our tone of voice. However you might try to mask an intent to control, the other will always pick up on it and probably react to it with his or her own controlling behavior. You are coming from a place of personal power when your intent is to take loving care of yourself rather than control the other. Since you cannot ultimately control another, trying to will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless. The challenging part of this is taking the loving action on your own behalf. In order to take loving care of yourself, you need to be willing to let go of the outcome regarding how the other person will feel and behave. If you are focused on controlling how the other person will feel in the face of your actions, then you will not be able to take the loving action. If your focus is on the other person, such as, “He will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party,” or “She will be furious with me if I leave without her,” or “He will feel rejected and tell me I am running away from conflict if I leave the room when he is critical,” then you will be unable to take the loving action. Only if you are in compassion for yourself will you be able to act on your own behalfpassion for yourself means that you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you, or rather than trying to control another’s feelings. It means that you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continue to be treated unkindly. People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate unkind treatment, you are letting others know that it is okay to treat you badly. By taking loving care of yourself in the face of others’ unkind behavior, you will find that generally others will respect you and treat you well.
Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control. There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless – is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. There are three important categories of abuse: Overt Abuse The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse. Covert or Controlling Abuse Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment – human and physical. The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" – another form of control. To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations. To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts... Nightmarish! In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list: Unpredictability and Uncertainty The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile. The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own. TIP Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities. Disproportional Reactions One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be). This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed. TIP Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine. Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse) People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature. Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. TIP Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally). Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression. Abuse of Information From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory. TIP Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence. Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute. Impossible Situations The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability. TIP Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous. Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry. Control by Proxy If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done. Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser. TIP Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse. Ambient Abuse The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting". In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul. TIP Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse. You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out. Open Site Encyclopaedia - Family Violence Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial. It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. Most abusers and batterers are males – but a significant minority are women. This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today, society – for instance, through the court and the mental health systems – largely ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser. Violence in the family is mostly spousal – one spouse beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and often victims – either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled. Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.
Have you heard of the word Body English? I remember one basketball game when the sportscaster said, "Air Jordan used a little Body English to coax that ball into the hoop, as he released the free throw". He meant that the player moved his hips sideways, as if using mind control, so that the ball will go through the basket. Body English is just one of the myriad of examples of body language that we do and apply to our lives every now and then, consciously or unconsciously. Body language is the unspoken or non-verbal mode of communication that we do in every single aspect of our interaction with another person. It is like a mirror that tells us what the other person thinks and feels in response to our words or actions. Body language involves gestures, mannerisms, and other bodily signs. Would you believe that in real life situations, 60% to 80% of the messages that we convey to other people are transmitted through body language and the actual verbal communication accounts for only 7% to 10%? Our ability to use body language in a positive way and to read other people's minds through their body language separates the men from the boys (or women from girls), and can be a powerful tool to our overall personality development. Imagine creating a great impression for work, business, and love by being knowledgeable in this not-so-common yet powerful field of study. It is the unspoken tool to a successful life. So read on and find out how you can read and utilize body language - the most used yet most misunderstood secret language in the world. Body language is the unspoken or non-verbal mode of communication that we do in every single aspect of our interaction with another person. It is like a mirror that tells us what the other person thinks and feels in response to our words or actions. Body language involves gestures, mannerisms, and other bodily signs. Have you heard of the word Body English? I remembered one basketball game when the sportscaster said, "Air Jordan used a little Body English to coax that ball into the hoop, as he released the free throw. He meant that the player moved his hips sideways, as if using mind control, so that the ball will go through the basket. Body English is just one of the myriad of examples of body language that we do and apply to our lives every now and then, consciously or unconsciously. So: What is Body Language? Would you believe that in real life situations, 60% to 80% of the messages that we convey to other people are transmitted through body language and the actual verbal communication accounts for only 7% to 10%? Our ability to use body language in a positive way and to read other people's minds through their body language separates the men from the boys (or women from girls), and can be a powerful tool to our overall personality development. Imagine creating a great impression for work, business, and love by being knowledgeable in this not-so-common yet powerful field of study. It is the unspoken tool to a successful life. So read on and find out how you can read and utilize body language and what is body language - the most used yet most misunderstood secret language in the world.
Copyright 2006 David Steele The question of when a relationship is committed is a source of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents. In this article I hope to shed some light on this question to facilitate your work with couples and individuals challenged by different perceptions of the status of their relationships. COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. A few questions later I learned that she had been dating this person for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated." We talked about pre-committed vsmitted relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other. OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is the status of the relationship - pre-committed vsmitted, and on the other hand are commitments made within the relationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right? In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction between a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that was not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make more sense of things. When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitment vs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment. Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms: PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act. - I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. - I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual. A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related. CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinction I made between a commitment and a promise was helpful for the above conversation. The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction, but the question remains - "What is commitment?" When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE. I have talked with many unmarried people, as the woman above, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed. IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE - NOT - IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF: 1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed 2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed 3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship 4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship 5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way 6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits - mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work. CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases. Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really? FACT VS. ATTITUDE Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them. It is common to be committed in fact (e. g. "married") but not in attitude (e. g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me"). It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e. g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e. g. "This is 'The One!' "). In my work with couples I have found that the most important variable determining their future success is their level of commitment to the relationship. In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor. Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories- UNCONSCIOUS - typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude. CONSCIOUS - aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude. CONCLUSION So, when is a relationship committed? -- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude. What creates the "fact" of commitment? I propose these three criterion: CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not. I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationship coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have productive conversations with your clients that are caught in the gray areas to support them to make effective relationship choices.
Everyone knows that part of dating is romance, maybe I am easy to please, but I think have known some pretty romantic men in my hay day. I would love to hear about some of your most romantic experiences. Below, I have listed some of my most romantic experiences to help start things off. Please write to me at jp@international-internet-dating and tell me about your most romantic date. I was once flown to Chicago for a first date that included dinner at the Chicago Chop House, and a trip to Navy Pier. I thought that was very romantic. I was taken to New York for New Years Eve in Time Square. That trip included dinner at ‘Windows of the World’, which was, of course, before 911. That romantic date will be a special memory that I will always treasure. I was flown, on a private plane, to Key West for Fantasy Fest. This trip included a stay at the Pier House Resort penthouse, which was incredibly fun, and romantic. I was treated to a prime rib dinner for two at Bern’s Steak House in Tampa, Florida, which included a tour of the restaurant. The evening was topped off with a special bottle of wine and desert in their famed desert room. There are more romantic memories, many more, but the memories have faded over time. There are some memories that will never fade; one in particular. I think that the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me was when a particular someone left a CD, that was special to both of us, with a single red rose on my doorstep. The doorbell rang and when I went to answer it I found my special presents laying there, my heart melted, and all the other romantic things that ever came before diminished in comparison. The most romantic things to me are the little things, things that have a shared meaning, things that are intimate, and personal. Those are the memories that shine the brightest, and I will cherish them forever; maybe I am just easy to please, or just maybe I recognize what truly comes from the heart.
Romance word always refers to love between a boy and a girl. Love word can mean affection between a boy and a girl and also refer to many other relationships. A mother always loves her children. One does not use the word Romance for that. What is Romance? Why do people feel romantic love for opposite sex? Is it purely biological to carry forward the specie? Then how are we different than other animals? People die for each other in romance? Why? People feel shattered if a breakup occurs? Why? Why write poems and notes on romance? So, romance has something more to do than pure biological need. I would say that romance is a feeling of deep attachment and affection that goes beyond all known human bonds. Romance can not be easily defined but only experienced. One who has never felt romantic will never understand about romantic feelings. Lucky are those who fall in romantic love. In romantic love, a person feels inspired. In love nothing looks impossible. Love motivates one to great heights. To please one's romantic love, a lover can do anything. Some romantic lovers don't even care for their life in love. One wants to look good in one's lover's eyes and wants to win the love for ever. That motivates the romantic lovers. Romance is an emotion of the heart, and it gives a new outlook to life. It makes one feel good. It makes one feel in heaven. a person in romance needs nothing more than his/her beloved. That is romance! When you look at the clouds flying across the sky, when you enjoy the setting sun, when you marvel at the beauty of the snow topped mountain peaks, you feel that no sight can better these beautiful scenes. Take a look at the faces of a pair in deep romantic love with each other and you will say - I was wrong. Romance is beautiful!