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    Can the feeling of guilt destroy your relationship

     

    When the mind allows guilt to take over, it will tear down relationships, especially if the partner fails to come to terms and agreement with self. To determine if your mind is full of guilt you must ask your self-questions. What did you do so wrong that would offend your partner that cannot be forgiving? Guilt can break the mind down to the point of no return. Guilt is more than a mistake made; rather it is a violation against rights, humanity, belief, tradition, standards, and love. When a person fails in a relationship, they may feel a measure of guilt. Thus, confronting the problem now can remove the guilt and make the relationship work. When people confront their problems, it often leads to workable agreements. When procrastination, or else lying to cover the wrong continues the mind consumes itself with emotions based on guilt. Guilt occurs when conscious actions or thoughts interfere with someone else’s rights, or else against the own person’s beliefs. Mistakes leading to guilt depend on the situation, but for the most part wrongs can lead to right if humanity exists. If a person commits adultery, thus the problem is solvable if the person acted out of emotion, rather than thought and commits to restoring trust. Of course, actions, effort, behaviors and habits must show the mate that the mistake will never occur again. It depends on the mate but some will forgive, while others may take the insult of the partner letting them know their worth in the relationship to heart and may decide separation and/or divorce is the way out. Adultery is stating to the mate that you have no worth. If the mate decides to forgive, thus you must do your part and allow the guilt to turn into effort to restore trust. You will need consideration, loyalty, compassion, honesty, and may even need to tell your every move for a while during the course of restore. A person with true remorse will work hard, regardless of what he/she needs to do to restore trust. If a person violates the right of the partner, thus, it depends on the magnitude of violation, but in most instances, it is workable. People act out of emotions and impulses at times, and will often act out of lust occasionally. When the emotions, impulses and desires take control (depending on the length of time control is enforced), the person may do things he or she ordinarily would not do. Thus, adultery is a justifiable reason to divorce or separate from the spouse, but looking at the entirety of the circumstance can help a person decide. Was the spouse enticed by another individual to commit the act, while the spouse was feeling vulnerable? Still, vulnerability is no excuse on the spouse’s part, but if enticement is the case, then two people wronged you. Was the other person in the act deceived? Did your mate lead the person to believe that he/she was not in a commitment? Examining the entirety of the act can help the mate determine the direction the relationship is heading, and help the other partner decide what he/she needs to do to make things right again. Divorce is an attack on the emotions, since a trigger hits the heart and emotions and creates pain, sorrow, hurt, sadness, et cetera. Divorce is showing a disregard for the marriage arrangement unless true reasons for divorce are evident. Thus, divorce should only be considered if the mate commits adultery, abuses the partner, or fails to commit in the relationship arrangement, and/or if death occurs. If you are in a relationship and your mate committed an insulting act against you, such as adultery. Thus, considering the entirety will help you make a wise decision. If another person enticed your mate on vulnerable grounds, thus consider your partner by asking what were, you thinking at the time. If your mate responds by saying I wasn’t thinking, thus you can ask, what makes me think it won’t happen again? If your mate is sincerely sorry, he/she will let you know by words, action, emotions, thoughts, and tone spoken.

         
    Can this relationship be helped

     

    I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship? Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: “As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It’s generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it’s time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.” When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves. Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “nice guy” will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself. Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She’s tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone. Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time. Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!

         
    Challenged by your relationships good

     

    Why are our relationships such a challenge? By their very nature, relationships always push us toward duality, toward the opposites. They take us into both the light of our souls and the darkness of our subconscious. They force us to look at the light and experience the shadows. If we deny the light of either ourselves or the other person, we relate to each other in conflict. If we deny the shadows of either ourselves or the other, we relate in illusion. Only by accepting both do we truly face reality and experience harmony. Relationships also challenge us to accept the unknown of both ourselves and the other, and this is never easy. Meeting this challenge must be founded on trust. You need to trust that the other will get whatever they need from you. You also need to trust that you will get whatever you need from them. The key word is NEED, not desire. We are not in relationships to have our desires fulfilled. It is up to us to fulfill our own desires and stop demanding that they be fulfilled by others. For example, if you have the desire to be loved, you must not demand it from someone else. You fulfill your need for love by expressing it, and no one can prevent you from doing that. We usually create difficulties in our relationships when we let our desires get in the way of the needs. When we don’t get our desires met – and that includes things like getting our way, getting what we want, getting love and attention, being made to feel important, being shown respect and honour, and so on – we usually get angry, sad, resentful or revengeful. When that happens we need to stop and ask ourselves what we really need, and then give it to ourselves rather than demanding it from others. It’s not always easy to know what we need. While we are conscious of our desires, our needs are usually related to what we are unconscious of. That’s why intimacy is an important aspect of all relationships. Intimacy exposes the unconscious and teaches us trust. Intimacy helps us to recognize needs and awakens the love to respond to those needs. It especially empowers us to meet our own needs. Intimacy says: you are acceptable and lovable just as you are. It helps to remember that soul is the underlying guide of all relationships. We always get what we need in our relationships because the soul always responds to need. If we don’t recognize this, the problem lies only in our lack of awareness and understanding. All of our relationships have the potential of showing us who we are as souls, and asking us to relate as souls to the other. That’s why our relationship challenges are such powerful forces for personal growth!

         
    Cheating in love should you tell your partner or not

     

    Cheating is considered unpardonable. Everybody takes cheating by the partner very seriously. But most of us cheat at one or the other time - if not physically then emotionally. What if you cheated on your partner in a momentary lapse and are now very much regretting it. Should you tell your partner or not? Love Can Not Be Lost- You are worried that if you tell your partner, you may loose the relationship and the love forever. But you cannot afford to loose the love. You love your partner very much and the thought of staying separately frightens you. You do not want to take any risk with your love. If you tell your partner about your cheating, you may lose that love. Love And Lies Can Not Stay Together- If we love deeply then our relationship is always very open. We are so open and hones with each other that forget physical cheating, we do not even think about emotional cheating. Once we decide to hide our cheating we go into mental trauma. We are always thinking about the cheating and not telling. Along with that we are worried about getting caught. This torture of emotions affects our love and our partner will sense that something is amiss. The relationship will suffer. In both the alternatives, the relationship stands to suffer because the deed has been done. What do you think is the better alternative? You will tell your partner or hide?

         
    Christening invitations are made for the noble cause

     

    : A child in a home is a gift from God. When a child born and enters into the religious environment of the family, he or she needs to be welcomed by the family members and the society. In Christian culture christening is the occasion when a newborn or a child enters into the religious world of the family. A christening event is the other name for baptism or you can mention it as the welcoming of newborn into Christian faith. Such occasions are really meaningful in all aspect for a family. During this period a family will definitely want to invite their near and dear ones to be a part of their child’s christening ceremony. Christening invitations are the perfect one that can fulfill your desire on your child’s christening ceremony. Inviting guests is no longer a tedious task with the availability of christening invitations in the market. There is a great variety of christening invitation available that can mark your child’s christening. There are few factors to be considered while ordering the christening invitations for your purpose. The theme or the symbolic element for your christening ceremony plays a vital part. Christening invitations needs to be selected on the base of your child’s gender. There are many attractive christening invitations for both boys and girls. There is lots of theme that you can incorporate with christening invitations. Cross is an important element to signify the holiness of the occasion. In Christian faith Cross is the symbol for washing away of sins and profession of faith. Otherwise you can put a heart, flowers or floral design to make christening invitations more attractive. If you want to personalize a christening invitation then you can put your child’s photo on it. You need to mention everything about the venue and time about the occasion. You can find Christening invitations online. You can order them online by selecting the right one for you. Christening invitations are now getting easy and affordable to order online. Above all christening invitations are really important because these are all made for a noble cause. For more details please visit: dependableprinting/

         
    Christian roommates finding good company

     

    In 1 Corinthians 15:33, Paul wrote: “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” This statement should be your guiding light when selecting your next roommates. In the same way that your family influenced you growing up, the people you live with now will also change the way you speak, act and think. This is great news if you pick solid, Christian roommates who will help you to grow. Proverbs 27:17 says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” However, the influence of your roommates can also corrupt your good character according to the verse from 1 Corinthians. Rather than being sharpened, you can be slowly whittled away. The worst part is, this happens slowly and gradually and you may not even realize you're changing. So how can you avoid bad company in your new roommates? Make sure you choose people that you are familiar with. People who you've had a chance to watch for a good year or so. This will ensure that you know the person you're about to move in with. Spend some time with them in a variety of situations. Is there anything questionable about their beliefs or activities? Ask a couple people for advice as well. Some of your friends may have seen a different side of your potential roommate. What if you're not thinking of moving in with anyone you know? What if it has to be someone random? This is most likely the case if you're moving into a dorm your first year of college. You're really going to have to rely on God to provide you with someone who will be good company. Either way, it may be good to have some up front conversations to lay down a framework for what your apartment/dorm will be like. You can let your roommate know, gently of course, that drugs and heavy drinking aren't cool with you and that you're not really into partying too much. Don't come across as self-righteous and your roommate will understand. If you're in a situation where you've been thrown in with a roommates with bad character, find some support outside of your dorm. Join a church nearby or find an on-campus group to hang out with. A group that can sharpen you and give you advice and help. Through them, you might even have an opportunity to change your roommate into good company.

         
    Christian roommates finding the right one

     

    When you first began looking for solid Christian roommates to live with, it seemed that you would never find anyone. You may have felt like the only Christian in your new neighborhood. But eventually you will discover a new problem. You will have to chose from a handful of potential roommates. If you've just started looking, it may seem like a great problem to have, but making that final choice is difficult and has long-lasting ramifications. Let's look at some ways to make a wise decision when picking your Christian roommate. First, make sure that this person is someone you share beliefs with. You don't have to nitpick or turn it into a theological interrogation, but you just want to make sure that you all believe in the same Christianity. There are so many varieties of Christians in the world that you can't assume anything. Asking a few questions now will save you tons of trouble down the road. Also, it's important to figure out boyfriend and girlfriend situations. This area is a minefield of potential problems. What you believe is appropriate may not be shared with your roommate and vice versa. Get these problems worked out immediately. There's nothing more awkward and outburst inducing than trying to work out romantic problems with roommates. Figure out a set of common beliefs and rules and agree to stick to them. Even if there are no significant others in the picture that doesn't mean it will stay like that. Another area that Christians can disagree on is entertainment. There is a spectrum of beliefs regarding what is appropriate to watch or listen to. Talk a bit with your potential roommate about their favorite movies, TV shows, and bands. If you find that you're coming from two different worlds, it may be a sign that your roommate relationship would not be a successful one. There tends to be a lot of judgment thrown around regarding entertainment and you don't want to be caught up in a war over the TV set. Figure this one out early. Christian roommates can be difficult to find but they can be even more difficult to wade through. People have such varying beliefs that it's important to get everything settled early on. If it seems like there will be a potential problem, then keep looking. God will bring you the right person in His time.

         
    Christian roommates keep praying

     

    So you've found a group of Christian roommates to move in with. You now have a potentially wonderful center of support at your home. However, it's up to you and your new roommates to take advantage of living with fellow Christians. If you don't actively pursue God together, it will make no difference that you have roommates who are believers. Let's explore a few ways to really utilize the power of a group of Christians living together. Firstly, be aware of each other's prayer concerns. Ask your roommates what their needs are. Make an easily updated list in a common room. Try putting a whiteboard up in the kitchen so that everyone can be kept up to date. And, of course, being aware of your roommates' needs isn't enough. You've got to actually be praying for them. Spend time everyday saying a prayer for each roommate. And let them know that you're praying for them, they'll be sure to remember you as well. If you want to go a step further, you can have a weekly or even daily group prayer time. It doesn't have to be formal or anything. Just take two minutes a day to get together and pray for each other as well as for some common concerns. This will do wonders for your relationships with each other. Finally, if your roommates are really fired up, you can host a monthly prayer event at your home. Invite other Christian friends and people from your churches. Cook a meal, have some fun, spend some time in worship, and pray together. You'll be doing a wonderful community service and opening up many avenues for Christians in the area. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make it an elaborate event. Just keep it simple. The important part is the fellowship and prayer time, not your decorations or fancy dishes. Making prayer the center of your relationship with your roommates will make a huge difference. Having a Christian support group at home is incredible and will change your life. Spend time praying for and with your roommates and you will see the change.

         
    Cia spy software now available

     

    Spy software is not spyware industry advocates such as Tom Bilyeu, CMO of Awareness Technologies state. He adds that spy software is purposed to protect property and save family structure unlike spyware which is designed to do the opposite. Spy ware, monitoring software and key logging are all words people commonly associated with malicious attempts to hack into computers and steal information or identities. While monitoring software can be bad if it is used wrongly for spy ware, viruses and Trojans; monitoring software (the industry calls is "spy software") can also have major benefits for businesses and help protect your family from dangers found on the internet if used properly. Top of the line spy software and monitoring systems have been in use for several years with government agencies such as the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security. These organizations use spy software to catch criminals and counter terrorism. Today, Awareness Technologies, Inc. in Marina del Rey, California brings the benefits and high tech systems to businesses and household users with their two products SONARand WebWatcher Monitoring software can be installed on computers by business owners, school administrators, parents or anyone who owns a computer. The user doesn't have to know about the installation but when people are hired or enrolled they should sign agreements to reasonable computer monitoring. Despite the controversies, businesses and parents can enjoy many benefits by installing a monitoring system on business or home computers. For businesses, Awareness Technologies offers SONAR; an excellent all-in-one monitoring system. SONAR allows business owners to monitor and control all activity on every personal computer within the organization. In addition, the software also lets you monitor computers that aren't a part of the network and laptops that are always on the move. SONAR allows you to monitor and read any employee communications including instant messages. You can monitor and filter internet use and software application. SONAR allows you to log all keystrokes and take screenshots of any suspicious computer activity. Having this ability to understand your employees offers many benefits. As a business, you likely have to deal with employees using the internet inappropriately. If you have suspicions about certain employees, you can use the SONAR system to track the internet use of these employees. Reducing inappropriate use of the internet in your business can reduce the amount of productivity and revenue that you lose during the time when your employees should be working. By using the SONAR monitoring system, you can increase your employees' productivity. When employees waste valuable time during personal tasks at work such as stock trading, online shopping, gaming, personal chats and downloads the company can suffer a loss of profits. By increasing your employee productivity, you can reduce costs and increase your profits. Consider the most important aspect of your company, the information; how secure is it? Does your company have trade secrets, source code and programming, records, customer information and contacts, strategies and product development? Then the SONAR monitoring system can benefit your company. Any of the above information can be available to employees and as a result is subject to leaks. Firewalls, passwords, encryption and other security systems can only protect part of your company information. These systems can't help protect you against employees who are in a position to pass the information to people outside your company. With SONAR you can monitor the computer activity of your employees and record or print any suspicious activity. This allows you to keep track of who printed, copied, sent or received confidential company information. What is even better is that SONAR lets you take a visual screenshot. This way you can visually find what you are looking for rather than sift through countless lines of computer code. When you have the ability to know exactly who leaks information, your chances of having leaks is greatly reduced compared to other security methods. Another factor that can affect businesses is lost information. With so many ways to lose company information including emails, chats and instant messages, it is important to have a good system of recording and recovering information. Technology has made communication easier, but data has become harder to file as a result. By monitoring your employees with SONAR you can log, store and retrieve information whenever you need whether it you have lost files, customer communications or abusive and criminal activities by employees. It is easy to see why SONAR is an excellent choice for businesses that need an employee monitoring system, but how can a monitoring system help with a home computer system? Awareness Technologies offers WebWatcher, a user-friendly computer system that allows you to view online activities in real time from any location. WebWatcher runs invisibly and does all the work for you so you can easily monitor and control your personal computer usage. Although why would you need monitoring on your personal computer? Consider two areas where WebWatcher can benefit you and your family. As a parent, you are likely aware of the dangers your child faces every day. However, there are many other dangers to your child on the internet of which you may not be aware. With WebWatcher, you can monitor all of your child's internet activities from anywhere. You can access the monitoring system from anywhere in the world as long as you have a standard web browser. You can monitor which websites your children are visiting, set the system to snap a screenshot whenever a certain keyword is used and even choose to block websites that you don't want your children to view. This provides you with an easy and simple way to keep your children safe online. If you don't have children you can still use WebWatcher to monitor computer activity in your house. You can use spy software to remotely monitor your computer and catch a cheating spouse if you are noticing suspicious activity. WebWatcher allows you to see what has been done on your spouse's computer without you have to physically access the computer yourself. Simply log into your account from another computer and view any recorded data. What makes WebWatcher such an excellent system from the general user is its ease of use. The program doesn't simply record all data on the computer like other systems; rather it has a content filtering system that allows you to place a priority on certain data. This way you can go directly to the information you need without needing to sift through all other data files on the computer.

         
    Codependent relationships takers and caretakers

     

    Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter. Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama. The taker uses many forms of both overt and covert control to get the attention he or she wants. Takers not only want a lot of control, but are often afraid of being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to doing what someone else wants them to do. The taker might resist with denial, defending, procrastination, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness, rigidity, and/or incompetence. In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that “You are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay.” Caretakers, on the other hand, operate from the belief that “I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need.” Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get. Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and wellbeing. Takers generally attempt to have control over others’ giving them the attention and admiration they want in overt ways, while caretakers attempt to have control over getting approval in more covert ways, such as compliance, doing to much for others, and/or withholding their wants and opinions. Because neither takers nor caretakers are taking care of themselves, they will each end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or unacknowledged. I tell my clients that whenever they feel this way in a relationship, it is because they are expecting the other person to give them what they are not giving to themselves. When we are not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or understanding ourselves, and when we are not attending to our own wants and needs, we will always feel upset when others treat us just like we are treating ourselves. Codependent relationships – relationships of two takers, two caretakers, or a taker and a caretaker – will always run into problems. Many people leave these relationships, only to discover the same problems in their next relationships. Takers and caretakers can switch places in different relationships and over different issues, but the problems remain the same – anger, resentment, distance, lack of sexuality, boredom, feeling unloved and unloving. There really is a way to heal this. Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their inner work – for example practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see innerbonding for a free course) – their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals. Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems. Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change.

         
    Commitment phobia are you commitment phobic

     

    Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. “I’d love to be in a loving relationship,” she told me in one of our counseling sessions, “but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.” Marcus, another of my clients, was also commitment phobic. “When I’m not in a relationship, that’s all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with. But soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can’t do what I want to do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of the time, she has no idea what’s going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I’m back to square one – wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again.” Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment. “Marilee, “ I asked in one of our phone sessions, “What if you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal freedom?” “Frankly, I can’t imagine that. Every man I’ve been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over?” “No,” I replied. “But you are not standing firm in your freedom from the beginning. You give a lot at the beginning because you enjoy being with him, but, as we’ve discussed, you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make love when you don’t want to. You stay up later than you want to for fear of hurting him. Then, when you do start to tell the truth, he is surprised and hurt. Until you are willing to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose yourself, you will continue to create relationships that limit your freedom. You end up believing that it is the relationship that limits you, but it is your own fears and beliefs that keep limiting you.” In my sessions with Marcus, he discovered that he had no idea how to stand up for himself in a relationship. As soon as a woman wanted something from him, he gave it to her. He just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he ended up feeling trapped. Marcus discovered that his fear of saying no to a woman came from two sources: 1) He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that he was bad if he did anything that upset her. 2) He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry and reject him. As a result of these two fears, Marcus continually gave himself up in relationships. However, giving himself up created such resentment toward his partner that he eventually didn’t want to be with her anymore and left the relationship. In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselvesmitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom.

         
    Committed relationships use them to grow towards self understanding and true love

     

    Society generally considers that relationships owe us happiness and bliss ever after. While happy couples do exist, divorce statistics indicate a great majority simply is not happy after the first glow dims. Relationships Free of Dependence This less appealing reality actually holds the key for a true loving relationship that is free of dependence on the other. Jung wrote: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” In a nutshell, transformation is what relationships are all about. We remain in relationships while the going is good, but often break off at the first sign of trouble. If the person we love turns out differently than our initial estimation of them, we feel they led us to believe something about their character that was not true, or, that we simply can not trust our judgment. Relationships Based on Complementarity Rather Than on Need But the crux of the matter is quite different. It is precisely at this problematic point in the relationship that we have the chance of creating a relationship based on mutual complementarity rather than on need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. So how do we get there? Awareness A very important step in this process is becoming aware of ourselves; gaining insight into ourselves. Another step involves filling our own “holes”, our needs, rather than hoping to fill them through others. Clearly this is easier said than done. It literally means growing into wholeness – a lifelong process. Filling Our Needs Our needs get us into most relationship problems. We seek out people, consciously or unconsciously, that fulfill our needs, rather than filling our needs ourselves. Whenever we obsess about someone, feeling that we can not live without them, we should examine what it is that is missing in us very carefully, what we feel others are “giving” us, and why we feel that we need them for our very survival. This element is being shown to us through the relationship, the obsession, the need, the desire to control and possess. If we could only become aware of this, we might still suffer, but we would have finally found the real road to freedom from this kind of dependent need. Jungian Transformation Motifs A. The Shadow Most individuals are unaware of the shadow, an unconscious part of the psyche which has not been lived out. C. G. Jung believed that the more people truly know themselves by looking into themselves, the more society as a whole becomes conscious. Children are often taught not to show – or even feel - their objectionable and aggressive urges. Although they must be taught not to act out these urges, they often wind up repressing all conscious knowledge of these negative aspects until they are buried so deep that they manage to forget their existence. Thus, they believe their chosen conscious attitude is who they really are. But the negative aspects have not disappeared – they have moved into the unconscious where they can cause all kinds of trouble when the shadow forces its way into outer behavior. You might, for example, say the opposite of what you meant to say. Often, unrecognized aspects of the self are what you notice in other people: these are projections. The best clue to the existence of shadow aspects is the level of emotion you have about another person’s behavior. Until the content of the projection becomes conscious, projections continue to occur in a compulsive manner accompanied by intense emotion. But of course as long as it is a projection, you feel that the problem lies with the other person, never realizing that precisely because of your strong emotional reaction to the other person, the problem – or issue to be resolved – lies with you (whether or not the other person’s behavior is acceptable is immaterial to this). B. The Anima and Animus Jung felt that everyone has a psychological contrasexual reality represented by the opposite sex. The anima (Latin term for soul or spirit), the feminine figure in a man’s psyche, represents unconscious qualities. The flesh and blood women in his real life are a source of information for a man about those things for which he has no eyes. The animus is the masculine figure in a woman’s psyche, symbolizing new creativity or potential within, as well as rigidity, obstinacy, absolute convictions, or a sense of personal worthlessness. Projection We are always attracted to an outer man or woman who somehow embodies not yet lived out or realized (and therefore projected) aspects of our own anima or animus. We actually fall in love with ourselves via the projection, i. e. with bits of ourselves we have not yet seen, and so we feel we need the other person because they are able to express what we cannot. Since all of this is unconscious, it generally takes a falling away of the rosy glasses and a return to reality to force us into pain and frustration, making us begin the process of self-awareness, understanding, and thereby the process of growth towards the incorporation of these needs and then to fulfill them ourselves, and move towards a degree of wholeness from whence we can approach relationships very differently, and with a far greater measure of inner freedom. Suggestions for Improving Your Relationships: A Plan to Follow 1. Realize that attraction, love, chemistry, and emotion, come about due to the psycho-emotional and spiritual makeup of your inner man or woman precisely in order that you may work on these and develop further. It is your psyche’s way of helping to make you whole. That is why relationships are of such enormous importance in personal growth and development. 2. Always watch any kind of “affect” (emotion, both negative and positive) … it gives strong clues to where you need to work on something (even if it proves the other person is a heel). But if you were “whole”, your affect would not get involved. 3. Analyze arguments, NOT from the point of view of how egotistical, horrible, jealous, or domineering, etc. your partner is, but from the point of view of what the argument is telling you about YOURSELF. The other may indeed be all those things, but it is much less important to dwell on their failings than on your own possibility for growth by observing your reactions to whatever is occurring. 4. Use that knowledge to change, grow, and learn that you always have a choice in your reaction to any situation. 5. Become very aware of yourself at ALL times…watch the times you would like to prevaricate, or at least, tell things in a way that is not 100% the real way, and try to discover why…are you afraid you will not be accepted or loved if you show your real self? 6. Particularly watch those relationships that have an imbalance of power … if you are top dog … ask yourself what you get out of it … if you are on the bottom ... why you are willing to be there … the answer to all of this serves your growth … remember, it takes two to tango! 7. Develop a sense of self by filling your own needs rather than by trying to fill them through others. Love yourself first! 8. Observe yourself in a love relationship on the basis of this article. The author grants reprint permission to opt-in publications and websites so long as the copyright and by-line are included intact and the article is not used in spam.

         
    Common mistakes guys make on their profiles

     

    Hey Guys, is your profile up to par? Learn how to avoid the most common mistakes guys make on their profiles. Are you having a hard time finding that special female companion online? Do you somehow feel you are not connecting as well as you should be? Well, your profile may be the culprit. You've spent a sufficient amount of time writing and polishing it up, and you've asked the advice of your buddies who've said they think it looks fine—but let's look at this from the view point of a woman. Let's face it, men and women are different species; what appeals to men may be a turnoff for women. There are many common mistakes guys often make on their profile; let's take a look at several of them. Your profile name may be a hoot with your buddies, but is it unappealing to the opposite sex? Take a look at the profiles of any dating site and you'll often see usernames that were intended to get a chuckle, but, more often than not, offend women. Guys with usernames such as “partyAllNite21” or “HotGuy_Wants_U” are usually not aware of the wrong signal they're broadcasting. There are very few self-respecting females that would think twice about striking up a conversation with a guy that refers to himself as “Mr_Perfect_4_U1980”. It's wise not to trivialize or to make fun of the online dating process. Most women simply glance at a username, and if it's not abrasive to their sensitivities they may decide to further peruse the rest of your profile; don't diminish your chances with a goof ball username. When choosing a username, use a combination of good taste, clean humor, and common sense. Try not to pick something that would send out an improper, negative vibe. Incorporating your favorite past times and your name is always a safe bet. Think of all your positive attributes and the appealing aspects of your personality. Does your profile resemble a stale resume? Mentioning your job in your profile is always a plus, but don't enumerate every job you've had since your teenage years. Some guys get sidetracked when writing up their profile for the first time—it's much easier to neglect your emotional side by pouring out your career goals and aspirations. Try not to dwell on your career—or any topic for that matter—as it tends to draw attention away from the reason you are really here in the first place. Don't give women the wrong impression by blatantly advertising your workaholic lifestyle. A sentence or two about your livelihood should suffice. You'll have plenty of time to talk about your job—don't clutter up your profile with 90% of it. Use your profile as a reflection of what you enjoy outside of the office; you'll have a much better chance of finding that perfect woman. Most women are looking for a compatible personality, and yakking about your 9-to-5 is a poor indication of what your personality is really like. Don't limit yourself. Try not to sound too picky. When filling in your match's ideal description, keep in mind that women often take those specifications literally. You may be thinking that you are listing desired general attributes—age, height, interests—and you assume that women will not view these qualities as stringent carved-in-stone requirements, but, truth be told, most women do. If a potential match finds that her weight is a couple pounds out of range, she may pass you up because of a small triviality. The bottom line is this: sounding too picky or judgmental can severely hamper your chances of a hook up. It's ok to post your match preferences, but by giving some slack to your requests—adding a few years to her age, or perhaps a few pounds to her weight—you greatly increase your chances of hooking up with a fine catch that might not have thought themselves good enough to reply in the first place. Dwelling on the negativity of past relationships can be dating doom. Coming across as too jaded or bitter on your profile can result in a lot of missed opportunities. There are few worse turn-offs for women than sounding too hung up on past doomed relationships. Understand that your profile—perhaps aside from your picture—is an important first impression; women will send your profile through a kind of mental filter and any negativity will most likely result in an automatic lose of points. Converting your negatives into positives is always a good course. Instead of pointing out that “I'm tired of playing games all the time”, try to soften it by stating “I believe honesty and trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.” With a little thought, any low points that you've experienced in your past relationships can be carefully rewritten so that they won't make you come across as tried and jaded. Remember, you want them to take an interest in you, so you must give off a pleasant vibe right off the bat. Be sure to spend some time crafting your essay. Many men don't really put much thought and time into their profile essay. What does one say? What is the best way to market one's self? Playing the strong silent type won't get you very far in the online dating scene. You can't afford to skimp on your essay when it's essentially a window into your personality. Many women use the profile as a deciding factor—should I continue based on what I've read so far? Always make sure that you have enough meat in profile essay. Let's face it—you don't have to be as articulate as a seasoned novelist. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. The best policy has always been honesty, and your profile essay should be no exception. Just let the reader inside the real you; give them a glimpse inside your personality. You can start by describing what a typical day would be like in your shoes. Mentioning what you do for a living and any of your hobbies is always a plus, as well as sprinkling little bits of humor here and there. Displaying your vanity is a bad move. Men often like to show off their six pack abs or their newly acquired tan in their profile photo, but women browsing your dating profile don't necessarily want to see the entire package just yet; an image of a macho guy flexing his biceps is not usually what motivates a female to immediately respond to your personal ad. Try to maintain an air of mystery about your image—putting on a dressy shirt is not going to scare women away or make them any less attracted to your physical appearance. Sweetness overload may be a bit too much at times. Women are notorious consumers of pillow talk and romance—they eat it up, right? So you may be tempted to go overboard on the romantic talk, showering compliments galore. Ask yourself this: is this the way I usually talk to women? If it's not then your romantic rhetoric may sound fake and forced. Most women are actually looking for authenticity in men. It's a bad idea to project the sweetness-at-all-times image from the get-go—this move can often lead to a fragile first impression that crumbles at further inspection. A better way to portray your playful side is to explain that you love to have a good time and joke around, but that you know when it's time to be serious. This lets the ladies know that you're not out just to play around, and it shows that you have a mature side, knowing when to deal with important issues. When you pour on the sweetness too thick, you may send out the wrong message—desperation. © Copyright 2004 by online4love

         
    Communication and the male female interpretations

     

    : Unfortunately, the simple act of communicating with one another can lead to confused messages, or messages being missed entirely. This is especially true when it comes to communication between men and women. It's no wonder there's conflict, when they interpret the same conversation in different ways. This is because of the different conversational styles of men and women. Many examples will stereotype male/female responses. There are many exceptions to the examples I've identified. Analyze how you feel or respond to situations; compare them to those described, and decide if you need to change anything in your communication style. As women grow up, talk is the thread from which relationships are woven. They develop and maintain friendships by exchanging secrets, and regard talking as the cornerstone of friendships. Men bond as intensely as women, but their friendships are based more on doing things together and don't require talk to cement relationships. Men converse to negotiate status; women to create rapport. Men are comfortable telling people what to do; women don't like to pull rank, so request, rather than demand (which leads the men to believe they have the right to accept or refuse the woman's request). When conversing, women face each other directly, with eyes anchored on each other's face. Men sit at angles to each other and look elsewhere in the room-periodically glancing at each other and often mirror each other's body movements. Men's tendency to face away from them when conversing gives women the impression that the men aren't listening to them, when in fact they are. The only times men will really look for any length of time at the person who's speaking are when they're trying to evaluate whether the speaker is lying or not; the speaker is hostile and they may have to take defensive action; or they're evaluating an attractive woman. In this last case, they'll glance over the woman's body while listening to her comments. This is highly distracting to the female speaker because the man's eyes mirror that he's not really listening to what she's saying, but rather sizing her up as a woman. Another habit that gives women the impression men aren't listening is that they switch topics more often. Women tend to talk at length about one topic; men tend to jump from topic to topic. When a woman expresses her point of view, her female listener usually expresses agreement and support, whereas men point out the other side of the issue. Women see this as disloyalty and a refusal to offer support to their ideas. Women prefer other points of view expressed as suggestions and inquiries, rather than as direct challenges or arguments. Men are more comfortable with an oppositional style. Men expect silent attention and interpret constant listener noise as signs of impatience on the listeners' part. When men don't make listening noises, women may assume they're not listening to them. Women make more listening noises such as "uh-huh ..." to encourage the other person. Men often believe these noises mean the woman agrees with him, when she may not agree with him at all. Because men don't make as many listening noises, women assume they're not really listening. Men are also less likely to make non-verbal signs of listening, and many continue doing whatever they were doing before the conversation began. Women are more likely to nod their head more, give direct eye contact, and stop whatever else they may have been doing when the conversation began. Women often overlap and finish each other's sentences (normally, neither is offended). Men clam up or react defensively when women do this to them, because they feel the woman's trying to take over the conversation. Men feel it's rude to finish another's comments and shows lack of attention to what they're saying, but are more likely to interrupt with negative side comments.This article was published using Article Submitter

         
    Communication in romance

     

    : Romance. Can it be discussed? It has to be experienced, isn't it? But, let us talk of romance, because we cannot avoid discussion about it. Let those in love, decide how correct is the below discussion on communication in romance. Romancing is not a science, but an art. When you talk to your beloved, you talk not only with your words, but with your eyes and your body language. Everything takes part in communication with your sweetheart. How does one talk to one's beloved? Most of the lovers swoon at the sight of their beloved. How do we expect them to talk? But their sweetheart wants to talk and they want to talk. They both want to share everything in each other's life. They share their dreams, they share their agonies and pains and they share their goals and failures. They share everything, because they are two bodies, but one heart. Romance has its own flavor, a different flavor. Romance is a different emotion compared to all other emotions. It's much different compared to emotions such as anger etc. They are all negative, but romance is a positive emotion or feeling. In romance, one ignores every fault of his/her sweetheart and only finds everything good and glorifies it. In love, the afternoon sun is as beautiful as the sunset. Such is the wonder of romance that it changes a person totally. Coming back to communication, how does one do it in romance? Does one convey love every single day? Does one talk only of love and nothing else. Otherwise it may kill the romantic mood! Does one only dream of good things and avoid every talk of anything negative? What and how does one communicate while romancing? Yes, it is true that most of the romantic lovers talk only of positive things and avoid everything negative. It is also true that talk is mostly about love, because they are romancing. Isn't it? It is true that the couples dream of great things and avoid contemplating any negatives. Romance is different. In romancing there is no place for anything that may kill the mood. Romance means talking of moon, and not the sun. But you can talk of sunsets. Romance does not think about the fate of fallen flowers, but only admires the beauty of flowers smiling on the branch. Romance is different and it is great. The world already has innumerable problems, and romance is much needed to create a positive atmosphere. Romance is a dream. Related: Love Ecards

         
     
         
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