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    Communication in the workplace new tips and strategies

     

    Communication in the workplace is very important but with so many people involved, all with different personalities and varying levels of understanding - communication can be difficult and misunderstandings can arise. Workplaces can be hectic places where messages are flying left, right and centre: that’s prime territory for miscommunication. Try to avoid that by following a few simple guidelines. How you need to communicate in the workplace varies a little according to your job responsibilities. Those differ sometimes in whether you have responsibility for and authority over certain other staff members. It’s important to realize that you only have authority in so far as you can get people to follow you. How successfully you get people to do that comes down to communication too! Communication is vital in any workplace and here are some of the essential ingredients for good communication in the workplace: 1. Give clear instructions You save time in the long run by taking time to give even simple instructions clearly and make sure they are understood. Leave a pause for people to ask questions - or invite them to do so. It’s much better if a task is understood from the start rather than you having to go back and do work again because it was done wrongly the first time. 2. Be constructive, not critical Supervisors and bosses can all too often become critical. Often people who have tried to organize their work or solve workplace problems themselves have been severely criticized for the solution they have implemented. Is it any wonder then why they don’t bother trying to sort anything out again? That’s not an efficient way to organize a workplace. The main trouble with this approach arises because the natural response of someone who is being criticized is to switch off and not listen. Nobody learns anything or moves on in that way. The other side of the coin is that when employees are empowered to make some decisions themselves, managers get more time to get on with their own job and really progress a business. For this to work, people need to feel safe to explore alternatives, give suggestions and ask questions. Managers also need to make sure they ask the right questions to inspire their employees and to help them to think through solutions. 3. Let people know the ‘bigger picture’ What are you all aiming for? People will work harder and smarter if they know how the work they’re doing contributes to an end product. 4municate messages effectively Workplaces often have many people working there. Messages need to be passed on efficiently through whichever medium - face-face, telephone, e-mail etc. If you have a message to pass on, make sure you do it accurately, to the right person - and in a timely manner. If the message is long - type it rather than relying on your memory. 5. Give people the freedom to organize at least some their work If people are clear about what needs to be done, they can understand and set a list of priorities for their own work. This keeps people motivated to work hard, but also, it makes them work more efficiently as they know what has to be done and can switch between tasks accordingly. There’s no need for them to stop work having hit a snag when they can get on with another project. 6. Make expectations clear End a conversation with something like, “So - am I right in thinking that you think the project will be completed by the end of today?” Then, if people anticipate a problem, they have the opportunity to tell you if there’s going to be a problem with that. That gives you the chance - and responsibility - to help them. 7. Treat people like individuals Everyone has different needs and different personalities. Different people will all react well to slightly different approaches. It’s good if you can find out what approaches work well for your colleagues and employees; that way, you will get the most out of each interaction and everyone will be happier. It all comes down to communication skills - or lack of them. It’s completely your responsibility for making yourself understood - no matter how many times you have to try - and it’s the other person’s responsibility to let you know every time they don’t understand something: communication in the workplace relies upon it.

         
    Communication is vital for a healthy relationship

     

    When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating. Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view. The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own. What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand. Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by. Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills. Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued. How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon. So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!! It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right. Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves. One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea. Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react. Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure. One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand. How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer. If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard. No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you. Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain. If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other's company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship. Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think. You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.

         
    Companionship or a love affair

     

    A marriage is like any relationship and has its good and bad times, its agreements and disagreements. No one can expect everything to be wonderful at every minute of the day when two people from different backgrounds and with different feelings and expectations live together. Some marriages have serious problems that must be resolved through concentrated effort or even therapy, but most marriages just become boring over time. When considering problems in a marriage, it is critical to think about what exactly is causing the conflict or uneasiness before taking any action. In many marriages, the excitement of first love tends to fade with time. This does not mean that the partners love each other any less. It just means that they need some stimulation to remember and maintain the feelings they used to have for one another. The stimulation is often referred to as ‘romance.’ Many individuals think that a marriage that appears ordinary lacks love, but this is untrue. Most marriages lack romance. While love is an easy and peaceful feeling, romance is the element that makes a relationship hot! Everyone in any kind of personal relationship wants passion and romance. However, there are some things about romance that people don’t understand. The most common difficulty in creating romance is that people don’t know how to accomplish it. Sometime, they are stuck in societal classifications, and their partners can’t appreciate them for their unique qualities. As a result, people often just give up on finding romance. Today, when we are accustomed to convenience and having everything happen at the touch of a button, making an effort to create romance seems too difficult. However, you can take some really old-fashioned ideas about romance and make them work in our modern world. Romance in the 21st century can be alive with innovative ideas, passion, and creativity. Romance refers to the way you express your love for another, and it is necessary if you want to keep your love exciting and new. Without romance, love can become tiresome. Expressing your love through romance only works when it occurs without ulterior motives. Romance should only be initiated in order to show your love and appreciation for your partner. Think of romance as an artistic creation rather than as a science. Individuals who feel they must compete in everything they do must eliminate that attitude when attempting to create romance. Love and romance should not be a contest where one partner or another strives to ‘win.’ Romance requires cooperation, but you can be romantic while retaining your individuality. Love and romance can transform you and your partner into ‘perfect’ companions.

         
    Compatibility horoscope

     

    : What is a Compatibility Horoscope? With only 12 signs of the zodiac, you wouldn’t believe finding the ideal partner would be all that difficult. Ahhh, but did you consider whether they are Earth, Fire, Air or Water signs, or consider a Compatibility Horoscope? You didn’t? In Western Astrology, each star sign is thought to come under 4 separate elements. Fire is Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, Earth is Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Air is Gemini, Libra, Aquarius, and Water is Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. So what does that actually tell us? Well... Fire is thought to love freedom. Air is considered to also desire freedom (but slightly differently than 'fire') Earth is considered to love security Water is considered to need security (but slightly differently than 'earth'). Now, in sun signs comparisons, it is generally considered that you gel best with others who share the same element as you, or are from a 'complementary element' i. e. as above, fire and air are complementary with eachother, and earth with water. Therefore, you could be forgiven for assuming that everyone born under Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius would get on best with Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. Not so. There are those that believe it's not as simple as that. The belief is that these signs that are considered to 'get on the best' can actually have one of two relationships. Either they will get on extremely well, or very badly. There is no 'in-between'. Let’s explore briefly, a few of the combinations. (You can read every combination in more detail here at the Compatibility Horoscope Blog). Our first example is two Ariens in a relationship can often spell disaster. Ariens are typically proud individuals, and therefore unlikely to back down easily in an argument...you can imagine the rest. Whereas an Aries with a Taurus is more of a match for different reasons. The calm laid back nature of the Taurean can be the perfect antidote to the fiery, impulsive nature of Aries. Needless to say, Taurus is an Earth sign, and Aries is Fire. But this isn’t to safe it’s a PERFECT match, all it says is that this partnership CAN work. A more likely successful joining however would be the Aquarius and Gemini relationship. This is considered a partnership that is able to be completely ‘into’ one another, and become lost in the others feelings and thoughts. Physically, Aquarians find Gemini’s extremely attractive, which undoubtably helps things! However, there is the potential for money troubles, as both are the types to not stay in one job for long. We have only tipped the iceberg here, but you can find out a whole lot more through such compatibility horoscope products, as 123 Astrology, where you can get a FREE astrological reading. Over at the Compatibility Horoscope blog, we have taken on the task of detailing each and every possible combination between the twelve star signs, and will be posting them for you over the coming weeks. Be sure to check there to find out if you and your partner (or potential partner) are a match made in heaven. But remember, Compatibility Horoscopes aren’t always accurate. Quite often they can be innacurate...so where does that leave you? Well, why not follow your heart...life’s too short after all.....why risk never getting together with the potential love of your life... Compatibility Horoscope

         
    Coping with stress and anxiety among teens

     

    Most people see the beginning of life once a baby is born. The process of human development slowly unfolds when that infant grows into a cute little toddler --- “learning the ropes” of speech, walking, eating, and playing. Parents, naturally, add Band-Aid and disinfectants to their grocery list as their children begin to take a more daring, active role at home and in play school. After a few years, that baby is expected to be ready for school. As any parent would say, time flies so fast and before they know it --- the little kid they used to take and fetch from the community kindergarten is now a young man or young lady in high school. In high school, these young people experience new things. They discover new emotions and ways of thinking. Naturally, they have to endure the awkward situation of no longer being kids yet still far from being adults. Most teenagers wonder how being a teen can be so fun yet to full of anxiety. And for most high schoolers, nothing can be more fun and anxiety-filled than have their first serious relationship. Social and personal relationships are very important to teenagers. At the same time, relationships are among the top issues that cause the stress and anxiety. Problems in their relationships, made worse by their difficulties at home and in school, can sometimes be so serious that it affects their ability to be happy and well-adjusted individuals. Given this situation, every teenager should somehow be taught how to cope with stress and anxiety --- especially if it's about a boy-girl situation. In a romantic relationship, it is but normal to have petty quarrels and even serious fights that could lead to a cool-off or a total break-up. For adults, these situations may seem to petty or even downright laughable. But for these teenagers, their relationship with their first boyfriend or first girlfriend really do mean the world to them. The newly discovered passion that is almost beyond control can consume most of the daytime thoughts of a teen with raging hormones. Episodes of romantic affirmation, jealousy, and self-doubt takes the teenager on an emotional roller coaster. But aside from love issues, teenagers are preoccupied with their need to have a sense of belonging...the frustration of “not being understood”...and the need to have their own self-identity. For teens, is done through several ways. To get by through high school, these young people try different things to cope with their stress and anxiety. For the rebels, a beer bash and a night of partying would suffice. The alcohol, loud music, and dancing are considered good enough diversions or means of coping with anxiety. For the “straight A” students, more hours at the library may just do the trick. The books offer not only additional information they can incorporate into their essays and research papers. Books are also an excellent escape from all the stress and anxiety of being unpopular and branded as “geeks.” For the jocks, stress and anxiety are also inescapable facts during basketball championship season. Being young and inexperienced, young people tend to see life not as a process of learning. The spirit-driven youth take each day as it is --- trying to stuff their entire life into 24 hours of laughter, adventure, and, yes, hours of self-grooming. But on those days that they find little to laugh about or very few things to be inspired about, teenagers are forced to look at themselves face-to-face in a mirror. They revel in the thought that they have outgrown those days when they were too dependent on their parents and elder siblings. Still, they grow apprehensive about what the future has in store for them. Some who adjust well just accept the fact that adolescence is but part of natural human development. There is no escaping youth --- with all its joys and troubles. For those who have learned the art of coping with stress and anxiety, learning more about life is a truly exciting experience that is worth all the bruises and heartaches.

         
    Creating amazingly effective and efficient relationships

     

    Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials. Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works. The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management. An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating. An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown. People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer. Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships. Understanding the other parties' feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice. Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect. We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can. The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice. Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others. Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives. Work towards a win-win solution for both parties. This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party's needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried. Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other. Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly. Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to. When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship. Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship. Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party's feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear. Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say 'No man (or woman) is an Island'.

         
    Date ideas

     

    Now that a sorry geek such as you has finally landed the girl of your dreams and everyone else’s dreams, let’s get to the hard part. The part where you keep the girl interested in you. This can also be described as the part where you end up selling your family fortunes and end up penniless, but that doesn’t matter as long as you’ve managed to keep your girl right. Now let us analyze the concept of a date. The origins of the word ‘Date’ lie in ancient Arabia, where the summers, the springs, the girls and the winters are always hot. The age old tradition of Arabia decreed that males seen going out with females had to be violently punished. Hence hanging out inside the city was a little impossible, unless the wife was ok to the idea of a thing-less husband. So what the hormone heavy kids did was, they used to go out in the desert and hang out under the shade of the date palms. The word stuck and hence we go ‘dating’ nowadays. Now, your date location is highly dependent on what sort of a person you are. There’s a concept in France where a huge barrel is filled with grapes and people get to stomp on them and laugh and screech and pretend to have lots of fun while doing it. If you’re a extremely insecure person, I would not advise you to use this tactic because you don’t want to see a hunk ‘fall’ on your wife/girlfriend, thrash about in the grape slush and have lots of fun while you run away crying. So for all of you insecure guys out there, please avoid such ‘contact sports’-dates, or get an insecure girl who’d rather cling on to you than be clung onto. You might also want to check out the dating avenues offered by a gay bar. You’d be able to completely eliminate ‘guys hitting on your girl’ from the equation then, giving you ‘quality’ time to spend with your girl. Now for married couples, there is an extremely radical and absolutely ‘win-win’ date concept you might want to explore. A date with a married couple. That way, you could gain valuable information about the joys of being married (if you get what I mean) and add to the pleasures of your married life. Worst case scenario, your wife could end up falling for the other husband, but don’t worry. You shouldn’t miss the trick here. You can always hit on the other wife if that happens. Now for the hard core romantics, I suggest falling back on history for inspiration. Way back in history. I suggest going to an apple orchard and picking apples together. If you think that this idea sucks, I’d suggest you remind yourself what happened after Eve ate The Apple. Doesn’t suck so much now does it? Or if you’re the rather conservative lover, you can check out the usual love spots in your locality and keep your chick entertained. Now don’t ask me how to keep your chick entertained because that’s your job. If I did that, she’d be my girl, not yours. If nothing works out and your girl’s getting losing interest, I recommend falling back on the ‘date-under-the-date-palms’ thing. A date palm’s never disappointed anyone on a date. So far.

         
    Date lying

     

    A reader of my articles wrote to me about the article I wrote entitled, “Why do People Lie?” He said that he would be “very interested in a similar article with examples about all the lying that women do….At least in the initial stages of dating, women lie sooooo much.” Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dates as I am of how much men lie on dates. So I decided to write about date lying in general. The man who wrote to me was upset about lies such as “I have to go,” or “I’m busy,” or “I’m on another call right now. I’ll call you back.” He states that “I think that much of this is women’s very misguided attempt to ‘spare someone’s feelings.’ Reject them, without actually rejecting them.” I think this is accurate. Women have been trained to not hurt men’s feelings. They have been taught that if the truth will hurt, then tell a “white lie.” And, when they do tell the truth, it is often in a harsh or critical way. I’ve often counseled women, who don’t want to date a particular man, to say things like, “I don’t feel romantic toward you,” or “There doesn’t seem to be chemistry between us,” or “I’m not feeling a connection with you.” One of my clients told a man who called her for a first date, “Your energy does not feel respectful toward me. I’m not drawn to meet you because of this.” He was open to what she was saying and they ended up having a good conversation. He was appreciative of her truth, and she ended up going out with him. Since men are usually the ones doing the calling, they are not as often put in the position of say no. My experience is that men often lie too, but in different ways. For example, a client of mine, a psychotherapist, dated a man who told her he was in therapy. She was pleased to hear this, as personal growth was very important to her. She later discovered that he was in therapy because the court had mandated it due to him having punched his ex-wife in the stomach while she was pregnant. She found this out through the ex-wife. His avoidance of the truth was an attempt to impress her and control how she felt about him. Men often “lie” by coming on strong, calling a lot, sending flowers - trying to impress a woman. Then once the woman is “hooked”, the attention falls away. The giving wasn’t his normal way of being - he was giving to get. It is well known that many men know exactly what to say to a woman to melt her heart. A man at one of my 5-day intensive workshops, who was married but was addicted to being with other women, revealed how easy it was for him to hook women in, even when they knew he was married. “Women desperately want to be seen and understood. All I have to do is reflect back to the woman the things she wants to hear and I’ve got her. I can see her caring, her intelligence, her creativity, her joy of life, her beauty. I can see what she has to offer that has been squashed down. When I see these things in her, she falls in love with me.” Some of the women in the intensive were drawn to him, even knowing that he was sucking them in! The lie was not what he was saying to them about themselves – it was that he covertly implied that he would be available to continue to see, love, nurture and support them, when in reality he had no intention of continuing to do so. Date lying of many kinds is common for both men and women. Generally, neither men nor women want to “hurt” another person with the truth of how they feel. Both men and woman can turn on the charm at the beginning and seem to be giving and caring, only to turn out to be using the other for their own neediness. What is the way out of being at the other end of lies? Stay tuned into your own intuition. Speak your truth. Learn to give yourself the approval and attention that you are trying to get from another, so that you are not so vulnerable to others’ approval. And, don’t take it personally when someone does lie to you. Their lie is more about them than it is about you.

         
    Dating marriage love and relationship advice the dance of commitment and your secret passion signature

     

    If you are single, dating, or trying to get to “I DO” and spend too much time hurting and not enough time loving this may be the most important love relationship advice you could ever receive. Did you know that some people just don't let themselves have love? Some are eaten alive with the “fear of commitment.” Some can’t let themselves take the risk or feel vulnerable so they string you along in a dating relationship. Some people don't love themselves enough to value you if you love them. Here's how to spot the signs of a hopeless case, using little known relationship tips. The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with you, there is no hope whatsoever for a love relationship. No set of skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are dating or married and a willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen when we are told no, because we believe there must be something more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail. Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when it comes to love relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist, but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through painful firsthand experience. In a dating relationship, a man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has chosen this dating relationship with its current limitations because it didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment. Ironically dating that leads to a true love relationship is terrifying to the hidden part of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past, especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps the biggest threat. The fear of commitment often masks a deeper issue. You may feel "not good enough," "engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away. Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance. There are love relationship tips you can use to let you know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if these sound familiar: 1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover becomes elusive. 2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer." 3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me." 4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table you see your beloved watching everyone that passes. 5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy." It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a love relationship. Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough. In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years with men who were terrified of being abandoned but were also terrified of commitment. When push comes to shove this type of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to today. In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Personal Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, I identify 5 signature styles of relating. Each has a healthy balanced, loving aspect, which makes for great relationships and a wounded side, which shows up as the inability to love or commit for one reason or another. They are the Warrior/Conqueror, Lover/Vamp, Creator/Martyr, Prophet/Perfectionist, and Visionary/Perfectionist. To create a breakthrough in receiving the love you want or commit to the love you have, you must step into the balanced healthy aspect of your signature. In romantic relationships the Warrior is committed, sexy and loyal. The Conqueror works so many hours s/he is not available for commitment. The Lover is wonderful with commitment and intimacy. The Vamp can be desperately needy and make you want to run from commitment. The Creator is fantastic at commitment. The Martyr feels trapped in intimate relationships and runs at the first sign of commitment. The Prophet is a blissfully connected lover. The Escapist is a Houdini who will run from you at the first sign of commitment. The Visionary is positive, high energy and a great mate. The Perfectionist is disappointed by anyone who turns up in the flesh because they are searching for the perfect mate. The wounded aspects of the “passion signatures” can get in the way of deepening intimacy and cause you to waste precious time. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can beg a workaholic Conqueror to come home and put your relationship first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to get a Martyr to join you in a grounded, forward-moving relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a Vamp who is only attracted to the unavailable. Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but only between willing partners. A 45-year-old Martyr grew up under the domination of an angry, controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off. The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious, behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He seemed to be there, in the dating relationship, except he wasn't really there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . . it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship. My client who was the wounded Lover/Vamp had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her. Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally unready is that you continue dating people who are also not available when you check below the surface. Or if they are available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself, "Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish" (your partner) back into the sea, and walk away. There are more easy-to-apply love relationship tips and tools you can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases. In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, you will find lots more to help you have the love relationship you deserve. Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship, it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy, feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are keys to unleashing romantic passion. Excerpt from The Passion Principle, Copyright Donna LeBlanc 2006

         
    Dating brings dramatic results to singles

     

    Hi. My name is Lance. I’m a handsome guy with medium built figure and height. I feel that my life is hanging upside down now because of my super shy nature. Although, I get along pretty much well with others and have a bunch of close friends, I feel freezed when I come across a girl. I can’t tell you the trauma of watching my friends going out on date with the girls they meet at bars and pubs. i will be usually found sitting in a corner of bar with my drink and feeling miserable on my self. I feel really embarrassed before my friends due to my shyness. Some of my friends even tried to arrange a blind date for me, but it never seemed to work out. But it’s the limit, I really need to get rid of my shyness as early as possible. I don’t want to be labeled as the loser who never gets a date, that’s kind of too distressing. So guys, tonight I am going out on a date with a girl, whom one of my friends dated a couple of moths back. It’s a blind date as I have never met this girl. I’m too nervous; this date has to be successful. I need to find a girl that I can say I’m dating, that I can say I am going steady with. I’m tired of always being the left out one when my friends and I go out. So wish me luck!

         
    Dating online without becoming pray for scammers

     

    Online scammers mainly aim at people of different income levels, backgrounds and ages throughout the world. There is not any specific group which is more prone to become a prey of a scam. The practice of Scamming is successful because it looks like real. It seems to fulfill your desire and needs. Scammers always attempt to mould you by inducing your nature to create the automatic reply they need. Here are few tips how to identify and avoid scammers at online dating sites. 1. Be cautious in the dating online scene. Use your emotional intelligence. If you have an ok profile without a personal photo on any dating website you will rarely ever get any answers from females. If you get lots of love letters from attractive good looking woman, you should think yourself: Would you be able to step into love with the profile you made that fast? What is there that could make her fall in love that quickly? 2. The first thing that creates an impression that the person who is communicating with you is a scammer is the mails. Scam letters are sent to a lot of people, are very neutrally, impersonally made for bulk use. The scam-emails can often be used for both the sexes, male and female. They will mention to you that they liked your pictures or description although you don't have a self description or photo on internet. Scamming artist fall quickly in love, they will address you very quickly sweetheart, darling, baby or love honey. 3. If anyone is interested in you will get a number of questions detailed about your hobbies, life, before the individual decides to meet you. A scammer artist never asks you regarding your personal details. They will use to talk in general manner: How was your day? How is everyone at home? How are you today? Scamming letters are often a different thing from what you mention to them. If you discuss about particular your things, they will not even remember one week later and keep on saying that the season is ok. 4. If you try to keep in contact for few months and if your date shows great interest and pretends to be willing to spend his entire life with you, ask yourself why is he/she still searching for online love? People who love somebody, will quickly delete their own profile from the dating website, since it's not a big issue to post a new addition if they become single again. If you view your lover still online, you can make a new contact id as a new user from a separate email address and check what reply you get. If your mate is willing to come to you and loves you like anything, you should not get him/her two times. 5. Never send any money for tickets and visas! Go to the person's place or country and visit him/her there. Use well-established, trustworthy marriage or dating agencies for arranging and meeting trips.

         
    Deadly relationship habits

     

    How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’m the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do. This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you remember the behaviors your partners used to get you to do things their way? Dr. William Glasser, in his book called, Getting Together and Staying Together, talks about the seven destructive relationship habits. They are: complaining, criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing or rewarding to control. Do you recognize any favorites? I like to add guilting to the list---this seems to be a favorite behavior of mothers. I know, because I am one. You can recognize this pattern in martyr type behavior. Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me?” I’ve actually heard some mothers play the “childbirth card”. You know the one. It sounds like this: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours! All I’m asking for is this one thing.” I know for me, I am a world class nagger---just ask my children. The question of “Will you clean up your room today?” can be asked in a variety of different ways, with varying tonal inflections and volumes to convey a variety of meanings. By the time I’ve reached the end of my rope, it would frequently sound like, “How can you be so lazy! If you don’t do it right now, I am going to do something to hurt you!” (This pain usually took the form of haranguing my child for an extended period of time.) Does this sound familiar? With regard to nagging, it is my belief that after you’ve said it three times, your significant other has probably heard you and is not planning on obliging you any time in the near future. Repeating your request most likely will be unsuccessful at getting you what you want. Complaining and criticizing are other behaviors we often engage in to get our loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. Does this sound familiar? Why can’t you be more like _____________? Do you have to do it THAT way? Why can’t you ever do something I want? You never do things the right way. You are so lazy, stupid, frustrating, aggravating, etc. Do these sound like relationship strengthening behaviors to you? I think the blaming, threatening and punishing behaviors are self-explanatory. Blaming sounds like: It’s always your fault. Threatening goes like this: If you do or don’t do ______________, then I’m going to (insert something you won’t like). Punishing often takes the form of withdrawal. It may be that we give our partners the silent treatment or we may withdraw affection or at least our enthusiasm during intimacy. The last destructive habit to discuss is called bribing or rewarding to control. This may require a little more discussion. Bribing or rewarding to control does not mean the same thing as negotiation. Negotiation in a relationship is very healthy and necessary to the long term success of the relationship. It involves two willing partners, each interested in helping the other person get what they need, while at the same time meeting their own needs. Bribing simply means that I am going to dangle a carrot of what I think you want in front of you to get you to do the thing I know you don’t want to do. I can remember often asking my youngest son to pick up his room. His room was always a mess and quite possibly a health hazard. I remember one day, I decided to put my nagging behavior away and try something new. So I said something like this: “Kyle, if you clean your room today, I’ll let you have a friend come over and play.” Do you know what his answer was? He said, “I don’t want a friend that bad.” And the room didn’t get cleaned! What a surprise! Bribing or rewarding to control also needs to be distinguished from spontaneous rewards. Can you feel the difference between these two scenarios? You want your partner to attend an office party with you that he or she does not want to attend. In your best attempt to bribe him or her, you seductively express what you might do when you come home from the party. Compare that to, you ask your partner to attend the party. He or she agrees. You go and have a wonderful time, spontaneously enjoying some quality intimacy upon your return home. Do those circumstances feel different to you? I bet they would to your partner. No one likes to be controlled no matter how subtly or skillfully the controlling is administered. External control is one thing human beings are almost guaranteed to rebel against. The bottom line is that we often engage in destructive relationship patterns with those people we claim to love the most. We typically don’t use these destructive behaviors with our friends. If we were to try, we soon wouldn’t have any friends left! When we think about our progress over the past 100 years in terms of technology and relationships, it is very clear that we have made great strides in the technological field and very minimal gains, if any, in our relationships with each other. Can you think of things we have available to us today that didn’t exist 100 years ago? Today we have cell phones, computers, satellite, televisions, DVDs, CDs, space travel, etc. The list is virtually endless. One of the reasons we have made such huge gains in the technological field is because those who are working at making those advances are willing to try a new approach when their approach is no longer working. They adjust their behavior to fit the situation. This is simply common sense. However, in the area of interpersonal relationships, would you say that people get along better today than they did a century ago? Do husbands get along better with their wives? Do parents get along better with their children? Do teachers get along better with their students? Do neighbors get along better today? Most would admit that there has been little, if any, improvement. The reason for this lack of progress in the relationship department is that when our external control behaviors don’t work to get us the results we want, we take those same behaviors to the next level. We are convinced that they will work if only we do it more often, harder or faster. In other words, we get a bigger stick! The reason this mentality has survived the ages is because we can usually crank up the pressure or find the one punishment or threat that will work to get us what we want. Did you hear me say external control doesn’t work? Of course it works! That’s why we use it. The question remains: At what cost? When we consistently use external control behaviors in our relationships with those we love, what does it cost? It costs us the relationship. I’m not saying the relationship will necessarily end, although that is a definite possibility. What I am saying is that we keep whittling away at the foundation of our relationship and then wonder why there has been no relationship progress over the past 100 years or even longer. There are alternatives. There are ways to simultaneously honor ourselves and our partners. The first step is to recognize when we are using external control behavior. We will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a caring habit instead. However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step---bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it. To learn about excluding external control from your life and implementing the caring habits in your relationships, visit TheRelationshipCenter. biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.

         
    Depression and relationships

     

    Depression can be a very lonely illness and your relationships are a key part of how you cope with your depression. You need friends for support. Not just good weather friends but friends who can support you when you’re down. If one of these friends is also depressed it is not necessarily a bad thing. You can understand each other and perhaps be there on each other’s bad days (but not if you’re having a bad time at the same time). However, you need to be conscious when choosing sexual partners that your depression will have altered you as a person. It is likely that the person you get together with when depressed will not be the person you want to be with when you are better. When you are depressed you are a different person – you may not even know who you really are – but your partner will be with the person you are at that time. Also, depression alters your view of the world and therefore your view of other people, so your view of your partner will not be the same when you are better. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t start a relationship when depressed. On the contrary, it could be the best thing for you. It may provide the stability you need to start working through your problems and you may be able to talk to your partner about things you can’t discuss with anyone else. Your partner may be the only person you can relax around and start to feel yourself again. Issues may arise that hadn’t before and wouldn’t have come up if you weren’t in a relationship. On the other hand, you may find that you keep up the pretence of being the person you think you ought to be. There is also the possibility that the relationship could fail before you are ready - perhaps due to your depression. This will make you worse. Either way, the stability may give you the space to start seeing things differently and the confidence to start seeking therapy. However, what I strongly advise is do not start a relationship with someone who is also depressed. I am not a doctor but I do have 25 years experience of depression and there are two likely outcomes of this sort of relationship. Firstly, one of you will get better, you will split and the other will get worse. The reason is this: if you are simply friends with another depressed person you can help each other and if one of you gets better you can still be there to help the other one with your understanding and advice. However, if you are in a relationship with another depressed person and one of you gets better and you split up then the other person will have suffered the end of their relationship plus the loss of their friendship and support. By all means be friends with other depressed people, we all need friends when we’re depressed, but wait until you have both recovered before you think about starting a sexual partnership. Depression is a difficult illness to really get rid of. Once you have had it there is always the possibility of a recurrence. If you have recovered from your depression but are still in a relationship with someone who is depressed it is very difficult to stay recovered. Also, you may find that you want to get out of the relationship but feel trapped because you know that the other person will get worse. The stress of this may send you back into depression. This is the second outome - you will both remain depressed. There are two remaining possible outcomes - the first is that you will both get better and stay together. I believe this is highly unlikely but not impossible. You will both be different people when you are better, with different views and personalities from when you first got together. You may still like each other but want different things. It would be great if you both manage to help each other through depression and out the other side but the normal stresses and strains of a relationship make this unlikely. The other outcome is that one of you will get better and you will stay together. I think this is the least likely to happen. If you recover from depression and live with someone who is depressed you are not likely to be really happy. You may still remember the feelings and understand but there may be an element of "I got through it so you should be able to as well." We all know that's unreasonable as part of depression is the feeling that you just can't try any more but don't people always say that ex-smokers and the worst critics of smokers? Bear in mind that a long-term partnership is not necessarily a bad thing when you are depressed but please think about the consequences of getting together with another depressed person. Try to help each other and be there for each other but keep enough distance between you so that you help each other and not bring each other down. In other words, stay friends and don’t live with each other, at least, not until you know who you really are.

         
    Develop great relationships over a lifetime

     

    Relationships begin since we were born on this planet. It is not a couple relation that I mention. Actually, it is a relationship at birth with our mothers and our family members. An important part of life depends on how we develop our relationships with others. Perhaps, if we consider examples of this development, a better understanding will enable us to think more clearly before we interact with others. In sport, a team requires close relationships to build a winning team. How far would the space programs have gotten without close working relationships? Would we marry without an excellent relationship with our partner? When mature, many relate an emptiness that is often difficult to understand or comprehend if a relationship has not been established with our creator. This personal relationship will fill a void that no other can fill. This is the most important relationship of all in every life, for complete fulfillment and joy. The purpose for these examples are to enhance our willingness and desire to work on developing meaning in our lives, our families, and our businesses to become better persons and better marketers with positive relationship building goals. What important for relationships are integrity or honesty, trust, and a willingness to open ourselves to others and be examined. Have you ever seen failure? Perhaps it was caused by the lack of trust or integrity in another. Can relationship building with other persons prevent failure? Would your business become more successful with many great relationships? Think on these statements and make the adjustments in your life that you feel may improve your disposition. These basic groundwork ideas on relationships are written to jog thinking and perhaps increase your business skills until they direct you to where success in business is inevitable and joy in your work becomes a normal lifestyle. You may find varied and rotating articles on relationship building on our website, along with tips you can possibly use for your business. Many times along the path of life, failures occur. It is good news to recognize and know the importance of earning good relationships during these trials and to be well prepared for the needed improvements. Be prepare for every outcomes whether it good or bad!

         
    Difficult conversations getting started

     

    : Is there a conversation you've been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk - but don't? Maybe you've tried and it didn't turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you'd like to free up that energy for more useful purposes. One of the most common reasons I hear in my workshops for not holding difficult conversations, is that people don't know how to begin. Here are a few conversation openers I've picked up over the years – and used many times. • I'd like to discuss something with you that I think will help us work together better. • I think we may have different ideas about _____________. When you have some time, I'd like to talk about it. • I'd like to hear your thoughts on ____________. Do you have a minute? • I need your help with what just happened (or - I need your help with __________). Can we talk? • I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your thoughts on this. All of these openers help to create an environment of respect and mutual purpose. You can say almost anything as long as you maintain these two critical conditions. Practice, Practice, Practice The art of conversation is like any art - with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. You, too, can create better working and family relationships, ease communication problems, and improve the quality of your environment. Here are 3 tips to get you started. 1) A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say. 2) Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments. 3) Practice the conversation before holding the real one, either mentally or with a friend. Try out different scenarios and visualize yourself handling each with ease. Envision the outcome you're hoping for. Good luck, and remember that if you can find a mutual purpose for holding the conversation, and if you extend and maintain respect, you will be fine. Let me know how it goes!

         
     
         
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