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    Discerning the loving heart

     

    How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone – a friend or a potential partner – who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time? I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to care about and have compassion for others’ feelings. As a result, people have different levels of the willingness to feel others’ feelings. Some of us deeply feel others’ pain and joy, while other people don’t. Some people can recall caring about others’ pain and joy from a very young age, while other people remember being concerned mostly with their own feelings and needs. The people who have chosen the deeper level of compassion are often the ones that become the caretakers, while the less compassionate people become the takers. Caretakers are people who have learned to take responsibility for others’ feelings and well-being, while takers are people who expect others to take responsibility for their feelings and well-being and often blame others when they don’t take on this responsibility. If you are a compassionate person who easily feels others’ feelings, you might find yourself drawn to people who are in pain. Your compassionate heart naturally wants to help those people who are in pain, not only out of caring, but also because their pain is painful to you. The problem is that this person might not care about your feelings as much as you care about his or hers. So, how do you become discerning of who has a loving, caring and compassionate heart? The first step is to focus on developing as much compassion for your own feelings as you have for others. Often, very caring people leave themselves out, caring about others far more than they care about themselves. This leaves them vulnerable to becoming the caretaker for someone who just wants someone else to take care of them, and then gets angry when you don’t do it “right.” If you develop compassion for yourself, you will start to feel much more quickly when someone is not really caring about you. If you are just focused on another’s feelings, you won’t notice what you feel, and it is your own feelings that allow you to discern caring from a lack of caring. The next step is to understand and accept that, no matter how caring you are to others, you have no control over how caring others are with you. You can’t make someone be caring, and the more you take care of another’s feelings and well-being while ignoring your own, the less caring the other will be. The other person becomes a mirror for your lack of caring about yourself. The more you learn to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings, the more another’s lack of caring will be intolerable to you. The more you are able to stay tuned into yourself and trust your own perceptions, the quicker you will discern a lack of caring in others. The more you accept your lack of control over getting others to be caring, the quicker you will let go of people who are intent on getting caring but not much concerned with giving it. It really doesn’t take long to discern the loving heart once you have compassion for yourself, trust your perceptions, and accept your lack of control over others. People betray their intention to either give love or to get it, or to give to get, with everything they say and do. With practice, you can learn to discern the loving heart very early in a relationship. If you want to stop recreating the same relationships over and over, then develop your power of discernment.

         
    Do not get into a relationship to avoid being alone

     

    Some people get into a relationship for the sake of not being alone. This can be a mistake. Getting into a relationship with someone just for the sake of not being alone is not very smart. Here are some ways on how to deal with this fear of loneliness. Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of not being by yourself can cause problems down the road. What happens if you pick the wrong person? Let’s say you choose someone and you get married. After five or six months, you start to realize that you made a mistake in selecting this person. What do you do now? Its not fun being alone but being with someone that you can barely tolerate is not the answer. Once you get married and have kids, it can be very difficult to get out of the relationship if things turn south. Make the smart decisions now and don’t let loneliness become a issue in your relationships. Spending some time with animals can get rid of loneliness. Get a pet or volunteer at your local animal shelter. Walking or petting the animals can be very effective in managing loneliness. Animals are a great source for companionship. Get a hobby. Find something you like to do and get involved. If you like to play volleyball, then find a local team. If you like to lift weights, then go to a gym. Doing something you like will keep you active and help you to make friends. Develop a network of friends. A person who has friends will not be as alone as for someone who is constantly by themselves. Again, join a group where you can develop long lasting friendships. Finally, if being alone bothers you that much then its best to see a professional. He or she can give you insights on how to better manage your fear of being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact the average person spends some time alone during their lifetime.

         
    Do not let anxiety get the better of you in your relationships

     

    It can be tough to deal with managing your anxiety while in a relationship. Maintaining a relationship is tough enough let alone having to deal with your anxieties. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on what to do in managing your anxieties while being in a relationship. In a relationship, we may sometimes encounter a scary situation that gets us all upset. When encountering these events, always remember to get all of the facts of the given situation. Gathering the facts can prevent us from relying on exaggerated and fearful assumptions. By focusing on the facts, a person can rely on what is reality and what is not. Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, a person should take a deep breathe and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem. A person could get some fresh air or do something that will give them a fresh perspective on things. Be smart in how you deal with your stresses in a relationship. Do not try to tackle everything all at once. When facing a current or upcoming task that overwhelms you with a lot of anxiety, break the task into a series of smaller stepspleting these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increases your chances of success. Make a list of all the things that you enjoy in your current relationship. The next time you get anxious or fearful, look at your list and remind yourself of the good parts in being with that person. This technique will put your fears and anxieties in a relationship into perspective. Sometimes, it helps to be able to talk to someone about our stressful situations. Talking to a trusted friend, counselor, or clergyman can not only make us feel better, but they might be able to give you additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem. Although I am a layman and not a professional I have interviewed many psychologists and clergyman and I have over fifteen years of experience in dealing with fear. Dealing with our persistent fears in a relationship is not easy, however there are many helpful resources available to us if you look hard enough.

         
    Do we relate differently with family compared to friends

     

    So many times, you will hear from someone that they are so and so. They are from the xyz family. They would say. Their family is famous for this and this, they would add. Family and a strong sense of belonging to our last name is important to many of us. Even if someone’s great great grandfather/grandmother was distantly related to the monarch of that country or a very rich family, ages ago, one remembers that and recollects that fact with pridemon blood stream coming down the ages makes a big difference to a lot of us. Leave aside common people, in this modern age, even kings and queens are decided by heredity and not by qualities. I will talk of an imaginary situation. Say, I have a cousin, who I meet once a year. And I have a friend, with whom I share all my successes and failures and meet at least once a week. If a quirk of fate is drowning both and I am given the choice of saving only one of them, whom shall I chose? My decision will be dependent on my sense of belonging to common family and the value I put to my friendship. This decision may be tough to make, but I will have to make it and live with it for the rest of my life. What would you do, if such a situation arises in your life? Is man a logical animal? Do we behave and act in ways that are governed by certain rules? No! We all have our own rules, and values. We all look at the same situation very differently. Our reactions are very different during the times, when it comes to crux issues. I have seen examples where, if the men of two families break their friendship, both the families follow. Everybody says bye to the other family, as if every other relationship of friendship that was shared amongst the members of both the families never mattered! It all depends on one’s values. It also depends on the values of a nation. Citizens of a nation talk of the royal family in a hushed tone, watch over their every movement, look at all the pluses and minuses. Why? The smallest kid of the royal family becomes a celebrity right from the birth. Why? It all boils down to values. Before this discussion talks only about family, let us all remember that, for many of us friendships matter more than ties of blood. Qualities are more important than inheritance. For many of us the most important factor is the person and not any other tag attached with that person.

         
    Do you have an abusive boyfriend

     

    Statistics show that 1 out of 3 teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. Most cases involve one partner trying to maintain power and control over the other through some kind of abuse. Most victims of Dating violence are young women who are also at higher risk for serious injury. Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence -- nearly 1 out of 50 women.(Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2001) Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers are inexperienced, want independence from their parents. and they are pressured by peers to begin dating at an early age. Some young men may believe they have the right to "control" you or they think they will lose "respect" if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends. Are you at fault? You might think you are the one who is causing the problem. You may think that his jealousy and abusiveness means he really loves you so much he can't control himself. You might think because you have friends that are also being abused that this is normal or you may think you can change him. You would be wrong on any of those counts and statistics prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt. If your boyfriend is abusive now, he will not get better, he will get worse until one day he hurts you really bad or even kills you. It's that serious. Ask yourself these questions; If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions about the boy you are dating then you are in danger of having a serious problem. If several of these are yes, get a new boyfriend. Is he using alcohol or drugs? Does he have extreme mood swings? Happy one minute and angry the next? Is he extremely jealous? Does he get into fights with other boys who pay you attention? Does he use force during an argument or during intimacy? Does he blame others or make excuses about his problems? Is he verbally abusive to you? (yelling all the time, putting you down, calling you stupid, threatening you?) Does he treat his mother with disrespect or is he mean to her? Do former girlfriends say he abused them? Does he try to control you or tell you what to do, who you can see, where you can go all the time? Does he try to keep you away from your family or try to make you dependent on him, telling you that he knows what is best for you and your family is always wrong? I repeat if even two of those things is true, you need to break it off and get as far away from him as possible, because these are all signs of someone who abuses or will abuse women.

         
    Do you have faith in your partner

     

    Faith is one of the biggest assets. Most of us have faith in God. That means that we always believe that god will help us whenever we call on him. That God will be always support us. That god loves us and wants us to grow. God will never leave us alone. This faith is the greatest strengths of many of us. What about your partner? Do you have this kind of faith in him/her? Many will answer that I have that faith in my partner. That is good. At least they have that faith. Many of you will not be sure about the answer and quite many know that they cannot have faith in their partner. Does your partner have faith in you? Why don't you ask this question and find out the answer? Please ask him/her - Darling, suppose I have someone else in my life for a short time and then come to you and confess will our relations remain the same? Will you forgive me and forget what I did and accept me? Will we be together as we are today? The answer may differ from person to person, but you will rarely find a partner who accepts this. As you broke his/her faith, how can you expect that their faith will remain intact? That you can expect them to support you after you betray them? That sounds difficult. Faith does not work that simply. Faith works on commitment. If you are committed to your partner and if your partner is a reliable person of integrity, you may have faith in him/her to a certain extent. To say that my partner will always be with me under all circumstances is difficult to say. Only few are lucky to have such partners. What should we do? Draw an agreement verballymit yourself fully and ask your partner to have faith in you always. Ask him/her to commit that you can have the same faith in them. Give proofs from time to time and you will win unshakeable faith of your partner. Once you have that faith, you will feel a great sense of relief because you are sure that your partner will never leave you.

         
    Do you have good friends

     

    Friends are a gift of God. If we have good friends, we should assume that God has showered us with His unlimited grace. What does a good friend mean? What are the differences between ordinary friends and good friends? What is friendship? Let us begin our enquiry by asking about what is friendship? Can it be defined? What is the relationship of friendship? What qualities does this relationship have? When two persons share common interests, care for each other, enjoy being together and help each other, they are called as friends. Is this a correct definition? It broadly covers the areas of friendship. For being a good friend, we should share more of these qualities. Is that right? Say, you share some interests with your friend, and there are few things that interest you, but are of no interest to your friend. Does this make your friendship ordinary? Sit back and count your good friends. Now count the interests that you share and those that you don't. Is there any mathematical formula? Can one be a good friend, even if one shares very few interests? Provided of course, that our qualities that I mentioned above are in plenty? What about caring for each other? Many a times, we find that friends are careless in their relationship, but when it comes to crunch situations, they come forward with all their might and show tremendous care. Does this imply, that even if a friend is not much caring on a day-to-day basis, he/she can still be a good friend, if there is a strong affinity that brings them together? Let us talk of enjoying each other's company. Does this mean that good friends avoid others? Are they always found together? What if they don't meet each other for a month? This relationship is indefinable. Isn't it? Because being a good friend of someone may mean that we care for each other deeply, but need not show it always. We are ready to help whenever the need arises. That even if we are not together all the time, we love being together. We defend each other whenever any external threat arises. The last test is the final test of good friendship. Friends may remain away for a long period and continue with their life, but when the need arises, they are together. They share a bond that ties them together. They have shared so much with each other that the past always carries itself in the future. Friendship means that we like each other. We have shared some great moments together. We value and respect each other. Unless there is a bond of hearts and emotions, no outward sign can make a friendship good.

         
    Do you know your tipping point

     

    In his book “The Tipping Point,” Malcolm Gladwell describes how epidemics and trends “tip” into existence – seemingly out of nowhere – and influence cultural and social tides. The same phenomena show up in our business and personal lives. We each have an internal tipping point – the moment at which we, often unconsciously, decide to engage in or back out of a relationship. We might base this “tip” on a variety of issues: similarity to someone else we know, what we believe we deserve, how someone “hooks” us and what we expect from our connections with friends, colleagues or spouses. There is tremendous value in recognizing our own personal tipping points. If most of your relationships are positive and healthy, this awareness will help you make the most of your relationship choices and work through any kinks in otherwise good relationships. Stuck in a rut of difficult or challenging relationships? Here’s an opportunity to do some detective work about the drivers behind your tipping point. And hint, hint: Readers now thinking, “I have only great relationships in my life,” should take a closer look. Even seemingly great relationships can contain facets that drain your energy. Red flags that it may be time to “tip out” of a personal or professional relationship: -You don’t feel respected -You doubt yourself -You don’t feel honored for who you are -It simply doesn’t feel good or right -You feel out of synch with yourself, drained of energy or bored -You have attempted to address issues in the relationship and have been unable to resolve them to your satisfaction Signs of a positive relationship to “tip into” or develop further: -you like who you are when you interact with this person -you feel respected for who you are -you don’t feel judged -the relationship energizes you, inspires you, and makes you feel good about yourself -you have fun, learn and generally feel better off with this person in your life If you are in the midst of reevaluating a relationship in either your personal or work life, here are three different lenses through which to view them: Change it up. Use different criteria for selecting a new business or friend. For example, if you usually jump into a relationship with both feet, slow it down. If you most often are drawn to extremely outgoing people, explore the treasures of relating to someone who’s more reserved. Be honest with yourself. If a relationship troubles you, really evaluate this person’s place in your life. What do you tolerate? How does this relationship enhance your life? What do you want to say to this person? What motivates you to remain engaged in a relationship that doesn’t feel right? Notice your relationship style. Are you like a swinging door, Velcro, a kite? Are you like a door, swinging to and fro in your relationships? Are you like Velcro – clinging so hard it’s difficult to let go? Or perhaps you resemble a kite – flying high above the ground, occasionally coming back to earth to connect? Or are you something else entirely? Bottom line: All relationships - yes, even the one with your boss – are voluntary. You can choose to engage or disengage at any moment. Whenever you think that you’re stuck dealing with a situation that is no longer healthy for you, remember this: Extracting yourself may be temporarily unpleasant, but you’ll feel so much better when you do. Know your personal relationship tipping points, make conscious choices and watch your relationships transform – especially the relationship with me, myself and I!

         
    Do you want trust back in your relationship

     

    TRUST is hard to earn, but easy to lose. And without TRUST, relationships come apart quickly. Trust is the belief that a partner has your best interest at heart. And it is impossible to have a healthy relationship without trust. Trust is a two-way street. Trust involves telling the truth AND being open to hearing what a partner has to say. But, sometimes the truth can be difficult to tell OR hear. When this happens, trust gets damaged and must be repaired. Relationships are important - without doubt, one of the most important things we have. At the same time, relationships are difficult, full of problems, and hard to maintain. So, knowing how to rebuild trust is an important skill to master. Why is it important to rebuild trust? For starters, being able to repair trust is essential to keeping a close, healthy relationship. And close relationships provide many benefits. Individuals in close, healthy relationships live longer and enjoy better health. This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system – someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need. Not only do people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and more satisfied with life than individuals who have a difficult time maintaining a healthy relationship. Having a close relationship also provides many tangible benefits. Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get ahead in life. Two people working together can live better than what either person could do on their own. When individuals find someone to share life with both people come out ahead. Furthermore, people in close relationships also receive more social support – that is, having someone who is attentive to their needs and concerns. And having social support creates a lot of benefits. Knowing that someone cares, allows individuals to handle life's problems more effectively. People who feel loved and supported make better decisions with less stress and anxiety. Finally, having a companion makes life more enjoyable. Having someone to share life’s little things, like walking the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it makes life more entertaining and enjoyable. All told, close relationships provide enormous benefits to people who are able to maintain healthy relationships.

         
    Does any other loss equal loss of love

     

    Have you loved and had the devastating experience of your beloved leaving you? Have you felt the pain? Does any other pain come nearer to it? Yes, the pain of losing someone by death may come near to that. But even that is not comparable. By death, you lose your sweetheart forever and know that she/he is no longer in this world. But if he/she leaves you, you experience the shock that is unsurpassed. You know that your beloved is in this world itself, but you have no strength to find out where? You have no strength to meet and find out the reason for the betrayal. You get so numbed with the shock, that you can take no more pain. So you are left to live with that pain yourself. And that life is nothing but death at every moment. When I cry for my beloved, the tears that I shed are more precious than heavenly pearls, says the poet in me. Yes, one cries, and one finds no one to share that cry. If you talk to people around you about the break down you are facing, they will probably call you a fool for grieving. After sometime, you stop talking to anyone about your pain. That keeps the pain inside you. That kills you slowly, but surely. Can one overcome this? Very difficult. The very fact that you fell in love that submerged you tells about your personality. Such personalities that give themselves totally away, find it very difficult to bear the loss of love. Snatch a child away from the mother and measure the pain of the mother, you will find out what I am talking about. Why does the mother grieve so much? Because she carried the child in her womb for nine months, she cared for the child after birth, she kept awake for her child for endless nights and she dreamt for her child at all the times. The child was an extension of her own personality. The loss therefore becomes unbearable. In the same way, those who love deeply, love their beloved like their own child. They care for the beloved like their own extension. Their love and their beloved become an essential part of their personality. Therefore, when that love walks out, the grief is immense and the loss immeasurable. What is to be done? No one can say about this. It all depends on the personality. If that person can somehow continue working towards a useful goal, while keeping the pain all the time inside the heart, life can be carried on for sometime. But ultimately that pain of separation will engulf the person.

         
    Does your husband get an easter basket

     

    I was talking with some girlfriends and the topic of Easter came up. I asked, “What do you put in your Husband’s Easter Basket?” The response I got was surprising to me. It’s funny how our own traditions make us assume others are like we are. It seemed I was in the minority when it came to Easter baskets for the adults. Now, obviously there is no right or wrong in Easter Bunny Land, however, I will share with you some ideas in case you’d like to surprise your Husband this year with a basket of treats. Here are some of the Easter Bunny’s favorite things to treat husbands with. 1. Football or baseball cards. This is one of my Husband’s interests, but mostly because he likes to share them with our son. However, I think he enjoys it just as much as our son does. He enjoys getting any kinds of sports trading cards and files them away to look at later. He hopes to pass them down to our son when he gets a family of his own. 2. A gift certificate to his favorite restaurant (not your favorite restaurant). If he loves going to the noisy, greasy place with the football games on TV, then get him a date to go there. That's a better choice than the sushi place that that he can’t stand. 3. It’s the season for baseball! Get him some tickets to see a professional game, or season tickets to college baseball games. Just think of his favorite team, and go from there. 4. Summer fun ideas. Are his rollerblades beat up? Has his basketball seen better days? Does he need a new running pack to keep his keys and wallet in? The Easter Bunny could get him a gift certificate to his favorite sports store. 5. Time to break out the grill. If your husband loves to grill as much as mine does, then the Easter Bunny could bring him grill tools, meat seasonings, a new basket or even a cool manly apron. On Easter morning, after the kids have found their baskets. (The Easter Bunny hides ours, does he hide yours?), look at Hubby and say “You didn’t look for yours yet.” Watch the kids’ excitement as they run around with your Husband to find his goodies. And watch the surprise on his face when he sees what you’ve done for him. He'll love you for it.

         
    Don t forget anniversary cards

     

    Anniversaries are some of the most important events that we celebrate. While we mostly celebrate the anniversary of weddings, there are many other kinds of anniversaries that can be celebrated. Get creative and allow your family and friends to celebrate with each other many significant happenings. For example, why not have an anniversary of the first test your child got an "A" on in school? Or make an anniversary out of the day you bought your new car. Whatever kinds of anniversaries you decide to celebrate, just do not forget anniversary cards! Anniversary cards are one of the easiest and best ways to celebrate all of those special days each year. Take a wedding anniversary for example. What spouse would not love to get an anniversary card with a handwritten message of love and commitment? Giving anniversary cards is a great way for married couples to reflect back on the beginnings of their marriage and to remember all of the best times they have shared. When marriage gets hard, anniversary cards can be a great way to reignite the reasons why you first married. Take the time to purchase or create the perfect anniversary cards for your spouse. Buy a card with a message that reflects you and your marriage, but then be sure to include a handwritten message as well. Anniversary cards should only accent or help you in writing out your true feelings of love and faithfulness to your partner, they should not replace your words. Anniversary cards are a great way to celebrate the victories of the past year and to dream about what the new year will hold. Allow anniversary cards to contain secrets that only you and your loved one share. Anniversary cards can be purchased or made to celebrate any kind of anniversary you recognize. The important thing about anniversaries is to remember the special events in our lives and the days of the year that make the whole year worth living. If your child has accomplished something special in school, make an anniversary of that day and then remember it for years to come with great anniversary cards or parties. Your child will love knowing that you remembered events and accomplishments that are special to them. They will love reading your words of celebration and affirmation in the anniversary cards you give them. Become someone who remembers and celebrates anniversaries well. Become someone who lavishes the ones you love with great words of love and care each year in anniversary cards.

         
    Don t just say you re sorry prove it

     

    The words, “I’m sorry” can get us out of trouble when we’ve done something wrong or hurt someone we care about but the key to a good apology is really meaning it and convincing the other person that you are truly remorseful. Apologizing just for the sake of keeping the peace is not an effective way to apologize. In doing so the recipient of the apology will most likely see through you and realize that your apology is insincere. A sincere and well timed apology, however, will help to mend the relationship that was harmed by your words or actions. The most important way to prove that you are truly sorry for hurting someone is to ensure that the hurtful action is not repeated. Apologizing over and over while continuing to make the same mistake shows that your apology is not really sincere. On the other hand if you really mean that you are sorry for an action you will take careful steps not to repeat this action. Apologizing for your actions is one thing but being cautious not to repeat your actions really proves that you are indeed sorry. Being specific regarding the reason for your apology also really proves that you are sorry. Many people are quick to offer an apology when they realize someone is upset with them but often they don’t take the time to figure out why the other person is upset. Apologizing without stating the reason for the apology shows that you don’t understand the problem and that you aren’t sincere in your apology. This is not an effective way to make an apology. However, if you offer a specific reason for your apology you are proving that you understand what you did to hurt the other person and that do not want to repeat that action. Another way to prove that your apology is authentic is to be sure to offer the apology in person. Having a third party speak to the person you have offended or apologizing via email or voice mail conveys a lack of caring. This kind of apology shows that you aren’t truly sorry for your actions. Meeting with the person face to face to have a sincere conversation and offer your apology is one way to really prove that you are sorry. It shows that you care enough about the other person to meet with them directly to try to make amends for your contributions to the disagreement. In apologizing, if you want to prove that you really mean it, be careful not to place blame on the person you are apologizing to. Your apology is about telling the other person why you believe that you did something wrong. While they may have contributed to the situation, now is not the time to point out their faults. Instead take full responsibility for what you have done wrong. Accepting full responsibility for your actions and apologizing for them without placing blame on the other person will prove that your apology is sincere. A genuine apology will also include telling the other person why your actions were wrong and how you intend to avoid hurting them in the future. Doing this proves to them not only that you understand you were wrong but that you understand why you were wrong. It also lets them know that you have already formulated a plan of action to ensure that this situation does not arise in the future. The timing of your apology can also help to prove that you really are sorry. Waiting too long to apologize may show that you don’t really care and that you are simply apologizing as an afterthought. An apology that is made too early may risk being ignored because the recipient of the apology is still too upset to listen to what you are saying. It’s important to give the other person a chance to vent their anger and calm down before rushing to apologize. After a reasonable amount of time approach them and let them know that you understand their anger and believe that it is justified and that you wanted to give them a chance to calm down before apologizing. Sometimes it is not enough to simply apologize for your words or actions. It is often necessary to not only apologize but to also prove that your apology is sincere. A truly sincere apology proves that you are sorry by addressing the issue and acknowledging what you have done wrong while validating the other person’s right to be angry and addressing how you will avoid similar actions in the future.

         
    Don t let anxiety and fear ruin your relationships

     

    Do not let your fears stop you from being in a relationship. Some people may be afraid of getting into a relationship because they may not be able to handle the stresses and anxieties in the relationship. Well here are some tips to help manage these stresses and fears. Don’t anticipate what may or may not happen in a relationship. Take it one thing at a time. Some people may be afraid of what could happen. Instead, focus on what is happening now. If a problem does arise, then you can try to figure out what you can do to fix the problem. Until then, take it one step at a time. Try to learn why you are feeling anxious. Ask yourself what is it about relationships that scare you or makes you anxious. Think about it and try to figure out what is the basis of your fears and anxieties. If you do not know, then ask a professional. Once you know what is causing your fears, you will become better in dealing with these stresses. Practice makes perfect. As you learn to deal with these certain fears, you will gain the confidence in being in a relationship. Remember that being a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you have to marry the person. There are all kinds of relationships. There are friendships, dating relationships, more serious relationships, and others. Find the type of relationships that make you feel comfortable and go from there. If you still have trouble in dealing with the stress and fears of a relationship, then talk to a counselor. A counselor can provide much helpful advice on how to handle your fears and anxieties. He or she will also work with you as long as it will take for you to feel comfortable in managing your stresses and anxieties. Remember that managing the stresses and fears of a relationship can be managed with a little effort and persistence.

         
    Don t worry or doubt check it out

     

    “Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows” Ben Stein Life would be difficult without the blessing of significant relationships as an integral part of our lifestyle. However although relationships can be the source of much joy and happiness, they also can frequently be a source of pain, stress, conflict and anxiety. It is a sad factor that when we have a close relationship the openness and vulnerability that we share with that person has the ability to bring both happiness and also pain. There is a natural response when we feel hurt to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Frequently this protection involves creating a wall around the heart, distancing the emotions to avoid pain. This very act may well protect a person from feeling more pain, and keep it at bay, but also means shutting out the potential of enjoyment in the relationship as well. A wall keeps out both good and bad! Unfortunately it is a fact that too many people become detached from potentially meaningful relationships through misunderstanding and assumptions about the other person. The reality is we can never fully know a person and understand them, and often we see things from a totally different perspective, and even speak a different emotional language. A tone of voice, a look, or a comment can easily be misinterpreted, and our response is to feel hurt or offended. If this happens it is all too easy to into a pattern of assuming and responding to that assumption until the whole incident becomes a large issue. How does this situation occur? The basic problem arises from the fact that people are afraid of what they don’t know. They assume facts that may not in reality exist, and then build prejudices around those assumptions. Bad decisions are then made based on those assumptions, on rumors, other people’s opinions or perceived behaviour. Many of these situations could have been non events, if time had been taken to check out the actual facts. If a person is aware of the actual facts about a situation, person, problem or opportunity, then decisions can be made based on what is real rather than what is being perceived. “There may be some substitute for hard facts, but if there is, I have no idea what it could be.” J. Paul Getty For example, I go to a social function and meet my friend. She has a scowl on her face, seems aloof and practically ignores me and my efforts at friendly conversation. It would be easy for me assume that she is mad at me, and spend a lot of energy wondering what I had done to upset her. I may start tiptoeing around her anticipating a blow up. A healthier alternative for our relationship would be to say “You don’t look happy, what’s going on?” By checking out what the real facts are I will either discover whether I really did do something wrong, or that something has happened that I don’t know about that is totally unrelated to me. Either way I am in a better position to help lighten her mood as I know the actual facts. When communication issues occur in a relationship the best way to find out the truth is to ask questions to discover what the other person actually means. What a person means can be very different from an interpretation from your different perspective. Sometimes people may make a statement, and not tell you the reasons why they said it. This can lead to a minefield of speculation and assumptions. This can often happen when communicating with men. A man tends to answer questions with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, (or a brief response) and not give any explanation for his position. Women are more likely to give reasons. So by asking questions such as ‘Do you mean……’ you will get more clarity and will not be left wondering what is going on. It does take more commitment to the relationship to push through communication difficulties and not rely on assumptions. We prefer to not speak or confront when we sense an atmosphere, or feel hurt by a comment. However if you keep to the adage ‘When in doubt, Check it out’ and push through those uncomfortable feelings you will reap the benefits in the relationship. Your relationship will become stronger and you will gain a greater understanding and appreciation of each other. So……… Don’t doubt, Check it out!

         
     
         
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