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    Free Essay
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    Loneliness why it has become an epidemic

     

    Do you often feel lonely? If you do, you may spend a lot of time wondering what’s wrong with you. It may seem as if everyone else but you has lots of friends. It may seem like everyone else is always getting invited to go to exciting parties. And it may seem like you’re the only one who is left at home, waiting for the phone to ring, wondering why no one ever calls you to invite you out. Actually, loneliness is much more common than you might think. There is actually an epidemic of loneliness in many societies today. This may surprise you. After all, so many millions of us in the modern world are jammed close together in large teeming cities, and we have at hand all the technological conveniences that are supposed to bring people closer together, such as e-mail, telephones, faxes, and the Internet. Why are so many of us more lonely than ever? The reason is that society has changed very rapidly in the past two or three hundred years. Many of the social factors that used to make it easy to make and keep friends for a lifetime have disappeared. Families have changed a lot in recent decades. A hundred years ago, most families were very large, with many children, aunts and uncles and cousins living close by. Family members often worked together on the farm or in a family business all day long. Today, families have shrunk in size, and family members are now so busy with their own separate projects, they rarely see each other. Families break up more often than they used to, and it is now much more common for family members to move thousands of miles away, to new jobs, new wives, or new husbands. People used to live in the same small community for their entire lives. They stayed in the same job for decades. These factors made it easy to make friends and keep friends. Today, many people change jobs every few years, and they move to new cities, and leave behind family members and friends. And many people today are very, very busy. In many ways, modern technology has not freed us from having to work harder. It has actually had the opposite effect of making us work harder and faster just to stay in the same place. Another factor that contributes to increased loneliness is modern entertainment and communication technology. Before the advent of television and the Internet, people had ways of having fun together every day. Many of these primitive methods of having fun have almost disappeared in the modern world. In the old days, people used to actually talk to each other! They would play games together. They would make music. Now this sort of primitive entertainment only occurs during a power outage. Most people now feel lost without a TV set and computer. Even in the same family, people barely know each other. The increase in these modern forms of communication have actually decreased other forms of human interaction. As people spend more time on the Internet, or with their text messaging, or playing games on computers, they are spending far less time actually interacting with the people around them. It has become a lot easier for people to cocoon themselves in their homes, and never see anyone. Many people are actually spending less time developing their social skills while they may be vastly improving their computer skills. In the modern world it seems almost everyone is pressed for time. We are often far too busy at work to develop friendships, and when we come home exhausted at the end of the day, we are too tired to make plans to socialize. Some of us live in neighborhoods where it isn’t really safe to go out after dark. It becomes all too easy to eat a quick supper and spend our evening hours mentally decompressing in front of the television set or computer. Loneliness is a bigger problem for more people today than at any previous time in history. The truly ironic fact about loneliness is that if you are lonely, you are not alone! Still, even if you have been lonely in the past, and even if you feel lonely today, it is possible to make new friends in this modern world. If you have been suffering from loneliness, it’s time to stop blaming yourself, and it’s time to stop blaming the rest of the world. It’s time to do something to solve the problem of loneliness. You can make new friends and have the social life you dream of. To have more friends you will have to learn new techniques of socializing and making conversation. You will have to make the effort to meet many more new people. If you learn the secrets of those people who make friends easily, and implement these techniques into your life, you too can have a happy social life. Your loneliness will be a thing of the past!

         
    Long distance relationships

     

    All you need is love. Somebody once said this, but what happens when your love is living hundreds, or even thousands of miles away in another country. As the world is getting smaller, thanks mainly to air travel, it seems that more and more of us are looking further to find love. There are millions of people who are involved with long distance relationships, despite the preconceived notion that they just don't work. If you are one of the many millions of people who feel lonely right now because the love of your life is far away, console yourself with the thought that long distance relationships can, and do work. Some people have chosen to be in long distance relationships, while others are in the situation due to work commitments. It is reported that there are at least 10 million people worldwide that are involved with long distance relationships of some sort. Thought you were the only person suffering from the heart ache? Think again. Like any relationship, long distance relationships require effort for them to succeed. You may think that more effort is required than normal relationships, but think about your situation you are in right now. Where your relationship differs from a normal relationship, is the fact that you have time to live for yourself. How many couples do you know of, who complain that they never have time for themselves. Making the most of this time apart can actually bring you closer together. You have to be interesting for someone to be interested in you. Take this time apart to pursue hobbies or find new interests. As with any sort of relationship, there are undoubtedly times where frustrations start creeping in. You may feel lonely, wonder what the other person is doing while you are not there or even doubt there fidelity to you. The quality time that you spend together, probably on the end of a telephone line can quickly end up in mind games, destroying the small amount of time you do get to be close together. You do not have the luxury that normal couples have, so making the most of this quality time should be top of your agenda. If the wonders do start creeping up on you, remember that your relationship is built on trust, love and respect. It is said that the hardest part of a long distance relationship, is the goodbye. You had probably spent time getting to know each other again and before you know it, it's time to go again. Whilst at the airport or train station bidding farewell, try and think about the next time you will together and what you will do. Planning is a great way of dealing with the heart ache. Try and plan something for the next time you will be together, giving you both something to look forward to. It also gives your mind a sense of security knowing that you are both working towards the same goal. We said earlier in this column, that long distance relationships can and do work and there is no reason that yours can't either. Love is never easy and should never be taken for granted. Put the effort in and you will eventually reap the rewards.

         
    Long distance relationships do they work

     

    : You’ve finally met someone who floats your boat, however, all is not perfect… he/she lives at the opposite end of the country. Obviously, you’re not going to know if it’s worth pursuing until you’ve given the relationship a go but here’s a few things to bear in mind when embarking on a long distance relationship and a few ideas how to keep your relationship hot whilst counting down the days before your next rendezvous. Ask yourself (and your partner) if you would be prepared to move. Obviously, you don’t want to be scaring him/her off by asking this question on the first date so leave it a few dates or weeks before you broach the subject. When you feel ready, say something along the lines of, “I know this is early days, and I’m not saying I want to make a commitment, but I was wondering what your thoughts on moving would be if our relationship developed into something more serious”. If, for whatever reasons, relocating for both of you is out of the question then there really isn’t much point in continuing to see each other. If either or both of you said “maybe one day once we know each other more” then just see how the relationship develops and discuss it again further down the line. Share the travelling. Travelling will take up a lot of time and can also be quite tiring and expensive for the traveller so try and share this as much as possible so neither of you get fed up. If it’s easier for him/her to travel to you then take these things into consideration when planning your weekend. Instead of arranging a hectic night out the first night he/she arrives, cook a romantic dinner so you can both relax and unwind indoors, without the hassle or expense of getting ready to go out for a meal.

    Don’t lock yourselves away by staying in all the time when you visit each other. It’s very easy to wrap yourselves up in your own little love bubble when you’re in love and, although this can make the relationship very passionate at first, you’ll never discover how your partner behaves with other people. Some people’s personalities can change when socialising with others; they can become jealous, loud, embarrassing or dull. Therefore, after you’ve spent a few weekends getting to know each other and you feel you want to introduce him/her to your friends and family, arrange to meet up with other people just for a few hours in the day. Not only will you get to see a different side to him/her, after sharing your time with others you will no doubt be eager to get back to your love nest!

    Keep jealousy at bay by communicating. We’ve all been there…he/she doesn’t phone when they say they will and straight away your mind starts wandering….are they with someone else, have they gone off me etc? In order to avoid this, make a pact with other from the beginning that you will phone, text, write or email at least once a day. If you want this relationship to work, you need to feel like you are in a “regular” relationship, one where if you want to offload your troubles/share your news for the day, you know that he/she is there for you. Spice it up with a webcam. Whilst this cannot compensate for actually being someone, it’s a great way to keep in touch whilst you’re apart. The fact that you can see each other and knowing that you’re both making the effort to keep in touch and communicate can strengthen and keep your relationship alight whilst apart.

    Turn the negative into a positive. Don’t spend every night you’re not together moping around. Make the most of your independence (whilst still having a relationship) by socialising with friends, going to the gym, pampering yourself beauty treatments or simply having some me-time. Communication, trust, honesty and passion will strengthen your relationship whilst you’re apart but you really have to believe in each other and your relationship for it to succeed…. although long distance relationships can be difficult, they can work and do work for many couples if both parties put in the effort.

         
    Looking for someone simple how to guide to locating them now

     

    Are you looking for a long lost friend or even a relative that you’ve fallen out of touch with? If so, online People Finders are one way to help you get started with your search. But with so many online services out there, it can get a little overwhelming. And you don’t want to get ripped-off either if you decide to go with a pay service. One of the problems, even with the ‘free’ people finder services, is that they’ll supply you with a city of residence, but not much else; if you want more information, you have to pay for it. In some instances, the name of the town they live in may be just enough information for you to call the local information service in that area, and if your party doesn’t have an unlisted number, you’ll at least get a phone number. WhitePages is one site that will actually give you the street address and telephone number for free when you enter the person’s first and last name. City and/or state is helpful here, and as long as your party has a listed number in their local phone directory, you’ll able contact them this way. Peoplefinders is another ‘free’ online services that provides you with a current city of residence and actually every location that person has lived in for more than the past ten years. By entering the person’s first and last name with middle initial and birthday if you know it, the site responds with their present city of residence and even any AKAs they’ve had in the past like maiden names or original last names if they’ve ever changed it. It also supplies you with their mother’s last name and age. Usa-People-Search is a site that is similar to PeopleFinders where you can go to enter the person’s full name in the search window, and the site will then supply you with all of people matching that first and last name, their age and what town they live in. You’ll have to pay to get exact address here also but at least you’ve got a starting point with the basic info they give you. If you’ve browsed around at some of the people finder sites and just can’t seem to get anywhere, you may want to think about an online service where you pay to get more data. But do yourself a favor first and take a look at one website called the OnelineReviewBoard that has researched this subject at great length to get some advice about what to do and not to do to protect yourself. The link to their ‘Truth Behind Online Investigation Services’ page is: onlinereviewboard/bestonlineinvestigation2005.htm. Good Luck!

         
    Losing friends is careless

     

    There’s a communications frenzy going on across the world. Mobile phones let us talk whenever we want to, wherever we are; email gives us instant access to friends and family and instant messaging allows us to have virtual conversations across the miles. How is it then, that we still manage to lose touch with the people who matter to us? 1. We’re moving on More than ever before, we’re leaving our home towns and even our countries to seek out exciting and rewarding opportunities elsewhere. Fewer and fewer of us grow old in the place where we grew up. We move on to new jobs, new partners, new homes and new lives. We extend our social circle so that it becomes almost physically impossible to keep in touch with everyone we meet. Email helps us to maintain relationships, but there’s still no real substitute for a good long chat on the phone – but the more we move, the more likely we are to change our numbers and lose our friends. 2. We’re taking control Consumer power is growing. That means that we’re far more willing than we used to be to change our phone provider, our electricity supplier and our internet connection. Changing numbers and addresses on a regular basis often results in someone not being aware of your new number or your new email and bang! You’ve lost touch. Our lives are busy and it’s easy to leave people behind. If you’re the sort of person that religiously files new address cards so that you are up-to-date with your friends’ movements, that’s great. If you’re not quite so organised, it can be easy to lose those new details and be stuck the next time you want to get in touch. 3. Don’t be careless, be clever! There are ways that you can get back in touch with friends who you haven’t had contact with for a while. School and College reunion boards on the internet are great ways to keep in touch, but new online resources are allowing you to search for and be found by old friends and extended family. Use these resources to record your old phone numbers and then your friends can find you just by typing in the number they have for you. It’s a service that will bring thousands of people together again.

         
    Love are you similar to each other

     

    How similar are you with your partner? Agreed that both of you are in love, and enjoy each other's togetherness. You like each other and want to live together till you die. You may say that you love him/her with your body and soul. What about similarities between both of you? Is your love result of these similarities? Or despite few similarities you love each other? Similarities affect relationship to some extent and are important to discuss. Work interest - Do you have common work interest? Are you qualified in the same stream? or your work interests are different? Common work interests lead to better understanding, but this is not very important. Hobbies - Do you have similar hobbies? Even if they are not common, do any of you have any hobby that the other partner dislikes? Values - how similar are your beliefs and values? Do you support same political party or your views are opposite to each other? What about your opinions on major issues of life? What about goals? Are your thought processes similar or different? These can make a major difference in the quality of love and life. Living together can become difficult if the dissimilarities are many. Conflicts take major energy and time. There is no time left to focus on love and living together if major time is spent in sorting out differences. It is easier to feel love in the beginning if the similarities are few. As times passes, dissatisfaction rises and cracks appear in the relationship. It is difficult to live with a person who holds totally opposite views. More similarities always help in making love last for a longer time.

         
    Love balance emotions and intelligence

     

    Love is euphoric. Love is enchanting. Love is heavenly. Love is captivating. And Love is something no one can describe. Love has to be felt, it cannot be explained. One cannot fall in love by planning; one just falls in love without realizing. That is love. And love also takes intelligence away like nothing can. In love, the most intelligent person may act foolishly, because love overwhelms. What if you fall in romantic love? It is the beginning of your love and you have no thoughts in your mind except those of your darling. You are dreaming of making a home with her/him and living happily ever after. You are planning, discussing and dreaming. You are as much away from the reality of life as much as day is away from night. You get married. Your friends gather. Your family gathers. There is celebration. The couple looks great. They look to be in so much love with each other. You feel like the luckiest person on the earth. And then you announce divorce after a year. Why? You never allowed your intelligence any role in your decision to marry. You never thought of what marriage means. You never faced the reality of staying together. If she is north, you are south, and if he loves literature, you love outdoors. Both of you knew about the differences, but both of you ignored them. You never gave attention to them. And some one pointed out the differences and asks you to rethink; he/she was out of your list of friends. But the final outcome was shattering. No divorce ever gives peace and fulfillment. Please fall in love. Please experience the high of love, real passionate love. And please ask your intelligence few questions before deciding to spend life together. Are we suitable for each other? Are our habits similar? Will we give comfort to each other? Are our expectations real and will they get fulfilled? Are we fit to marry each other? Will our love last? Let intelligence play a role along with your love and then decide. You will never have to announce divorce. You will live happily together forever, because you have made a conscious decision after finding out everything.

         
    Love do not let romantic love die

     

    Love and relationship based on love has many stages. The phase of romantic love does not last long. It is the most pleasant phase of the relationship and unfortunately, it passes very soon. The joy is short lived. After this phase comes the phase of mature understanding that may lead to lot of bickering and split amongst many. Why allow that phase to come at all. Or why let romantic love die at all? Can we not continue that phase forever? Let us find out. In the phase of romantic love, the lovers feel very passionate about each other. They want to be together. They want to make each other happy. Their only objective is to enjoy the romance, send love notes to each other and enjoy the bliss of romance. After sometime, this phase passes away because of ego, relationship misunderstandings, expectations and other life problems that become more prominent. Can we not stretch the romantic love forever? Experience says that it is not possible, but some exceptions are there. why not follow the exceptions? Let us see how. Talk about this with your beloved in the beginning of the romantic phase. Tell them about how romantic love dies soon. Make a pact that says that let anything happen, we will not let any misunderstanding, any expectation or any other problem end the romantic love. Read the pact everyday and live by that. As soon as anything happens, remember the pact and go back to romantic love. I think that there is no other way of keeping romantic love alive forever. If you can manage that, your life will bean envy for everyone.

         
    Love a killing game or a source of pleasure

     

    Why do so many relationships fall into monotony after a while, ending up like crumpled leaves hanging from a dead tree? Why is it so difficult to keep the juices flowing? Why does the momentum of the relationship fade away? Is it inevitable that after some years the initial freshness turns into devastating boredom? Imagine a blossoming, appetizing, juicy red-and-yellow peach, and then see it transform into a dark-brown, wrinkled, dried-up prune. Where did the freshness go? Where did the juice go? Where did the life go? The envelope is still there, the outside still exists, but inside there is nothing left: no more life, no more pleasure, no more fun, no more love, only vinegar. In the beginning of a relationship, the juices flowing through your body are boosted up by the attention and interest of that significant other. Everything looks great, you’re blossoming, even your body is “filled up” by the other’s attention for you. Attention is a powerful form of energy, and energy is what makes things run, move and flow. Energy is what makes things alive. Without energy, there is no life. Without energy, there is only death. Every romantic relationship contains the risk that you start depending on the energy provided by your other half, rather than sourcing your energy yourself. Reflect for a moment on this term: “your other half.” You need not depend on someone else to become a whole person. You can be complete by yourself. You don’t need an “other half” before you can be happy and productive. First learn to be a complete person by yourself. If you’re a woman, learn how to activate your masculine energy, and if you’re a man, activate your feminine energy. Only by balancing yourself and sharing your own completeness can you aspire to make love last forever. When you depend too much on the energy of your spouse, you will feel the need to possess this person in order to fulfil your daily energy needs. When you’re not able to establish your own energy connection, you will feel the need to control the other in order to receive enough energy to get by. Can you imagine how tragic this is? You have to remain in control of the other person all of the time! One day he might start giving his energy to someone else; then what are you going to do? You would probably collapse, and this you can’t afford, so therefore you have to stay in control. To control is to possess, and in the process you are reducing the other to the level of an object. He or she is no longer seen as a person, but as a “thing to be controlled,” like a toy-car with remote control. This is no way to live. This is anxiety. This is stress. Most of the time you feel anxious, because you never know exactly what the other is doing. What a waste of energy! If you are so completely focused on the behavior of others, you will never be able to move on with your own life. You are doomed to live a life of fear, trying to control other people, and be ever restless. In the end you cannot control another person, and so this attitude doesn’t give any rest to your soul. You will be continually subjected to stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, fear, and anger. Every time you feel you are losing control, anger will get a hold of you and you will throw a tantrum in an attempt to gain back control. What a miserable life! No relationship can withstand this kind of pressure, so it’s bound to collapse and explode in your face. You will end up alone. Will you start this killing game all over again with a new victim? How to stop this attitude and create a love that lasts? You must concentrate on yourself rather than on the other. Yes, I know, this sounds like a paradox. But by focusing on YOUR mission on earth, on what is important for YOU, you will be filled with energy. You need to first find out how you can be a complete person just by yourself. The only way to do this is to find out what your mission on earth is all about, what are your passions, why you are here, and then to focus on this all the time. You should set suitable goals for yourself and do everything to reach them. You need to stick to your own dreams, the ones you had BEFORE knowing this person with whom you are having a romantic relationship. You have to go back to the person YOU were BEFORE you met him or her. Stick to that person, stick to yourself, instead of sticking to you partner. Be faithful to your own dreams. Only this way can you be loyal to your relationship! You cannot give what you don’t have. If you cannot be loyal to yourself, you cannot be loyal to your spouse. If you lose yourself in the relationship, you will loose the relationship. If you abandon your own dreams, the relationship will abandon you. First and foremost you should focus on yourself. Your dreams, your goals, your truth. Somebody who really loves you will love you even more if you are being your true self. Someone who cannot love you when you follow your excitement is not worth being loved by you! If your husband is angry with you because you take time to achieve your goals, then he is not supportive. If your wife is jealous because you have success and she doesn’t, then that is her problem. Don’t lose yourself in the arms of the other but stick to yourself, and your love will last. Focus on your own mission, focus on the reason why YOU are here on earth, make your mission the first priority in your life, and you will be loved for WHO you are. This is real love. Real love is supportive. Love yourself, love your dream, love your mission, love your life, and surely enough, a wonderful person will show up and love you even more. What you are able to give to yourself, you will get back thousandfold from the outside world. If you are already in the energy of love, by simply loving yourself, then you will attract love from outside into your life. Make love last by loving yourself first.

         
    Love lies betrayal and deceit why do we lie to those we love

     

    Why do husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to each other? Our romantic relationships are seldom what they seem. We all want a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy, and trust, but the truth is, our relationships do not always work that way. More often than not, our intimate relationships involve secrecy and deceit. In fact, if you want to look for deception and betrayal in your own life, the best place to start is close to home. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, and their level of commitment. Indeed, it is safe to say that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love. For better or worse, our romantic relationships are full of paradoxes which we try to overlook, downplay and ignore. For the most part, this strategy works well. Until the day comes when it doesn’t, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront face-on the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be. Eventually, almost everyone will catch a spouse or partner in one of their lies. Inevitably, we have a difficult time coping with what we have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close has betrayed our trust. We do not expect our partners to mislead us, nor do we have insight into how and why deception occurs. In fairness, it should also be mentioned that it is just as likely that a partner or spouse will catch you in one of your own attempts to deceive. And ironically, we are just as unprepared to deal with this kind of situation. Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in our romantic relationships turns out to be a costly strategy and most people pay the price for this decision, unexpectedly, and all at once. It’s not so much that coming to terms with the use of deception in romantic relationships will solve all of the problems you are going to encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that occur when deception eventually comes to light. In fact, when it comes love and romance, most of the things we believe, are not true. Most people believe that all of their marital or relational problems can be solved through “communication.” We believe that deception is difficult to achieve, that misleading a partner requires a lot of effort and thought, and that romantic partners can tell when a lover is lying, and so on. None of these widely held beliefs, however, are supported by the evidence. Rather, our romantic relationships are held together by a delicate balance of both candor and deceit. And both are critical to making our intimate relationships work. In reality, romantic relationships entail two important features which allow deception to flourish: abundant opportunity, as well as the need to deceive. As we get close to another person, we intentionally and unintentionally provide them with a great deal of information about who we are, revealing ourselves through both our words and deeds. Creating this kind of intimacy or shared knowledge is critical, as it serves as the foundation for a lot of important rewards. Through our close relationships, we create gains with respect to our health, wealth, and emotional well-being. Because relationships provide so many important rewards, it should come as no surprise that people are inclined to view their romantic partners in a positive light. We place a lot of trust in our romantic partners. We think we know them well. But while our trust surely provides us with a sense of security and comfort, it also lays the ground for deceit. For as we trust our partners more, we also become more confident but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told. Every relevant study attests to the fact that lovers are terrible at telling when their partners are lying. In fact, detecting deception with anyone is difficult to do, but lovers manage to take this general failure to a spectacular low. Again, as we become more confident that we can tell when a lover is lying, the exact opposite turns out to be true. This “truth-bias” or “blind faith” provides the perfect opportunity for romantic partners to engage in deception. After all, who makes a better victim than someone who is eager and willing to trust everything you have to say? Not only do close relationships create a wonderful opportunity for deception to occur, they also create the need. While romantic relationships offer many rewards, they also tend to be overly constrictive. Most everyone has felt the constraints of a close relationship from time to time; quite simply you are no longer free to do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want. So intimacy provides tremendous rewards, but at an enormous cost – the loss of your freedom and autonomy. Lying to a romantic partner helps us deal with the constraints that our intimate relationships impose. Quite frankly, deceiving a romantic partner turns out to be the most efficient and effective way of maintaining the rewards we get from our romantic relationships while pursuing extra-relational goals and activities behind a partner’s back. How do we decide when to lie and when to tell the truth? Well, most of the time we do not intentionally think about misleading our partners. Rather such decisions are governed by our emotions and just seem to happen when the right situation presents itself. Often a sense of excitement, opportunity, and exhilaration can lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling. A sense of fear, loss, and trepidation, on the other hand, prompt us to cover-up what we’ve done and be more conservative in the short-term. Luckily our emotions are very good at reading situations and keeping our deceptive behavior within limits. Our emotions prompt us to regain some of our freedoms while also allowing us to maintain the benefits we get from our intimate relationships. When you take a step back and put it altogether, the picture that emerges tends to be rather ironic. Because our romantic relationships are so rewarding yet constrictive, we are simultaneously more truthful and more deceptive with those we love. Additionally, we place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive us, just as we are most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts us the most. These are just a few of the paradoxes that emerge when taking a close look at the use of deception in our romantic relationships. Most of what is uncovered runs counter to our most cherished beliefs about love and romance; that is, the idea that complete openness and intimacy are a central and defining feature of being in love. Initially most people avoid looking for deception by a loved one. But as you begin to examine your own behavior more closely it becomes harder to dismiss the degree to which lies, betrayal, secrecy and deceit are ever present in our close relationships. Hopefully, you will take on a greater appreciation for the complexities of your relationships as well as a richer understanding of what it means to be in love. Regardless of the final outcome, taking a close look at deception in your life will change the way you view yourself and others.

         
    Love in a time of herpes

     

    I was born in 1965- a year often considered the first year of “generation-x”. The previous generation - the baby-boomers like my parents, grew up in a time of free love. My mother didn’t take advantage of this but my father sure did, but that’s another story. Us gen-x’ers were the first generation to have to deal with AIDS and the fallout from it. Instead of the sexual revolution we had fear and loathing in our own pants. Now as a Holistic Herpes Treatment Specialist I treat a lot of teenagers and people in the early twenties who are exploring their sexuality in a time were we are no longer nearly as afraid of AIDS as we were in the eighties but where almost everyone has herpes. I often see girls as young as 15 who already have herpes and who got it from their first sexual experience. No one told them they could get herpes from fellatio. No one told them much of anything about sexually transmitted infections. It’s a sad sad thing to have to tell a teenager that they now have a life-long incurable disease and have to warn potential sex partners about it beforehand. This sentence drives many to the brink of despair. One 17 year old who got herpes from her first and only sex partner was crying hysterically on the phone with me, asking how in her small town of 1500 people can she tell anyone that she has herpes? She said she won’t date or have sex again until she moves far away, and I believe her. With oral sex being as common as hand-shakes used to be, why aren’t we educating grade school students about sexually transmitted infections? Very few of the most at-risk population know that they can catch or pass on herpes when there are no signs of an outbreak. They don’t know that they can get herpes on their genitals from contact with people who get cold sores on their mouth. They aren’t empowered to say no way when they encounter sores and rashes and are told that “they are nothing”. Further exasperating the situation is the porn industry being a bad role model. Like myself and most my generation, young people these days get a lot of their sex education from being exposed to porn. In the adult film industry condoms are almost never worn during oral sex and only worn during anal and oral sex about 40% of the time. I did three years of research into the adult film industry and learned that porn performers are tested monthly or more often for HIV but are rarely tested for herpes or HPV. Very few porn performers admit their herpes infections for fear of losing work and a backlash from their fans. What kind of society do we live in where even porn performers are afraid to admit that they have herpes? My older patients don’t tend to fare much better than the younger ones. They don’t know the facts about love in a time of herpes and most didn’t do much to try and educate themselves. And for the ones that do try to educate themselves through the internet they are confronted with a wilderness of websites saying many contradictory things, spreading a lot of misinformation and luring people with magical quick-fixes and snake oils. The message doesn’t seem to be getting out to people that there are no quick-fixes for a life-long viral infection, that herpes cannot be managed with topical oils, or creams or liquids and that herbal medicine or drug therapy combined with proper diet, stress reduction and making peace with herpes are the only ways I have seen in my 15 years of experience to successfully manage herpes over the long-haul. Because the fear of catching the HIV virus isn’t what it used to be, too many people are becoming complacent about practicing safer sex. Many tell me they don’t want to use condoms because of the lack of spontaneity. Many want the risk and pleasure of unprotected sex. I can relate to all of this, I don’t particularly like condoms myself. But in this day and age it is not smart to have unprotected sex with someone you are not very sure you are in a monogamous relationship with. Unless this is the case do use a condom/dental dam or anti-viral gel or better yet use them both together. Oral sex is sex and is risky sex so do practice safer sex with fellatio and cunnilingus as well. Before the sex comes the sex-conversation. A conversation many people never have before getting together. It is your right and responsibility to ask a potential sex partner what their history of sexually transmitted infections is, and use your best lie-detecting skills when listening. You must volunteer the same information yourself. Please do understand that most people have never had a real herpes test in their life. Regular STD testing panels do not test for herpes or genital warts. Swabbing is an unreliable way of testing for herpes. So unless your potential sex partner has had a recent type-specific serum blood test for herpes like the western-blot test, they have no way of knowing if they have herpes or not and so then neither do you. Unless someone has had a recent herpes test, I recommend that you assume that they have herpes and use a condom/dental dam combined with an anti-viral prophylactic gel. Government statistics show that anyone who has had more than 2 sex partners has a 20% chance of having herpes. More than four sex partners gives you a 40% chance of having herpes and more than 6 sex partners gives you a 60% chance of having herpes. And of course herpes is only one of many sexually transmitted infections a person could have. I invite you to read my articles called “I have Herpes, Don’t You” and “The Demonization of Genital Herpes”. If anyone is elusive or sketchy about wanting to discuss their sexual health it’s best to assume that they have something they are trying to hide. I don’t mean to sound harsh or cynical - I’m an idealist by nature, but I have listened to too many of my patients grieving over the fact that they were deceived by the person who infected them with herpes. You lose nothing by being careful and looking out for your own best interests. In both the swinger and BDSM communities people are reluctant to admit to casual sex partners that the have herpes for fear of “ruining the party” or being excluded. It is rarely discussed at sex clubs, at orgies, or “play parties”. People are having sex with others without warning them that they have herpes. Out of fairness I must state that some people in these communities do advise potential sex partners that they have herpes-but they are in the minority. I have seen very few leaders in these communities publically discuss herpes awareness. Again I find it very vexing and disappointing that even the most sexually adventurous people in our society are afraid to talk about herpes or are too complacent about it. I know it’s a bummer but this is the reality of love and sex in a time of herpes. Love and love abundantly, but please be careful out there. Christopher Scipio Homeopath/Herbalist Holistic Viral Specialist

         
    Love is all you need... or is it

     

    This week I finally got round to watching “The Wedding Date” an enjoyable – if slight – romantic comedy. The plot, for anyone not familiar with it, has reluctant singleton Debra Messing attending her step-sister’s wedding with a male “escort”, Dermot Mulroney, [who combines perfect eye-candy looks with gentlemanly charms and a comprehensive fee per service policy. The Messing character needs to have Mulroney in tow because her ex, who inexplicably dumped her, is the best man. The action is simple and predictable: girl meets boy, girl and boy connect at some profound yet unclear level, they fall into bed together, argue, break up and then end up back together, all smiles and tears while we the audience buy into the idea of them toddling off into the sunset of Happily Ever After. This is indeed the stuff of “rom com” and romance, according to The Oxford English Reference dictionary, is about “an atmosphere or tendency complecharacterized by a sense of remoteness from or idealization of everyday life”. Quite. Except that we don’t entirely suspend disbelief even when we are watching romantic comedies. At some point, every one of us has longed for that fuzzy ultimate feel-good sense of being regarded as the perfect inhabitant of a perfect world by our perfect partner. Whatever the problem is, love is the answer. Love is all you need, after all. So Mulroney is a male sex worker. Not a problem. He gets all the best lines, from the philosophical: “You get the relationships you want”, to “ I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met” and this line that would sit well in the mouth of any abuser: “I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.” Aaah! And yuk! Aaah because both leads are so good looking (and toned and well dressed) that they’re just bound to be happy together ever. Yuk because flimsy love stories still impact on our psyche at the subliminal level, teaching us that you can build strong relationships on hopelessly inadequate foundations. Sooner or later, we all try it, are amazed when it doesn’t work and punish ourselves. Often before repeating the same process with the self-same outcome. Michael Gerber’s “The E-Myth Revisited” – Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work And What To Do About It” urges business owners to develop strong visions for their companies. How does that translate to women, and men, who want to be build successful relationships? Surprisingly well. Since we are all, first and last, flawed human beings, our design flaws in any one area of life are likely to impact on other areas also. And so it is that Gerber’s comments about replacing assumptions (and aspirations and dreams) with clear-sighted strategies relate to our emotional world also. Gerber writes: “Most of us have had the experience of being disappointed by someone in whom we have put our trust… trust alone can only take us so far. Trust alone can set us up to repeat those same disappointing experiences. Because true trust comes from knowing, not from blind faith. And to know, one must understand. And to understand, one must have an intimate awareness of what conditions are truly present. What people know and what they don’t. What people do and what they don’t. What people want and what they don’t. How people do what they do and how people don’t. Who people are and who they aren’t.” It becomes possible to develop ‘an intimate awareness of what conditions are truly present’ when you are prepared to leave on hold the romantic justification: “Love is all you need” for as long as it takes to work through the various stages of relationship building – which Gerber defines as ‘Infancy’, ‘Adolescence’, ‘Beyond the Comfort Zone’ and ‘Maturity’. “And how am I supposed to manage that, Clever Clogs?” you might be wondering. Once again, Gerber has a useful answer - if you are prepared to replace the term “relationship” with “business”. Gerber talks at length about working on the business rather than in the business – a fascinating concept for anyone who has ever spent time trying to pick up the broken pieces of a relationship in the wake of a partner’s abusive outburst. Gerber says: “Simply put, your job is to prepare yourself and your business for growth. To educate yourself sufficiently so that, as your business grows, the business’s foundation and structures can carry the additional weight. And as awesome a responsibility as that may seem to you, you have no other choice – if your business is to thrive, that is.” Having spoken with hundreds of abused women over the years, I can say with confidence that abusive men do not change their spots. They may use concealer when you first meet and fall for them, and their spots may proliferate over time, but still those spots are there from the start. The Love-is-all-you-need approach will blind you to the spots. Working from the outset at establishing a foundation of reciprocal care, respect and equality will quickly enable you to see the face behind the concealer. I’ve yet to encounter an abuser who can manage selflessness for longer than it takes to earn a few vital brownie points. And even then they don’t just do it, they make a 10 course banquet of it. Nor do abusers 'do' solid foundations. Love is all they need. What they term love – over time increasingly a justification for all manner of bad behaviour - is most unlikely to be all you need. That said, would I turn down the chance to parade Dermot Mulroney at a family function? No way. He would add a whole new dimension to a forthcoming bash at a Kosher Chinese restaurant in suburban London (truly!). But I’d like to think that if he came out with a killer line like: “I’d rather fight with you etc. etc.”, I’d do the honourable thing and drag the sole of my hobnail boot along his shin. Hard. Because I’m not too sure where a line like that would fit with my compelling long-term vision of a possible relationship. (C)2005 Annie Kaszina Joyful Coaching

         
    Love is in the air

     

    Well, here we are in February and many people are celebrating St. Valentines. It is a good time to think about love and relationships to put a bit of warmth in our lives after a long winter. Today, I would like to look at what love is. The English language only has one word for love and it is used interchangeably for almost everything. We can say I love my husband and I love Chocolate. Both are using the same word and it is only by the context that we can ascertain the difference. The Greeks, on the other hand, have four different words to describe love. Each word gives a different nuance to the word that helps us understand more fully what is being spoken of. I want to look with you at the four Greek words for love. These are: 1) Eros 2) Storge 3) Philia 4) Agape Eros: The first type of love we are all familiar with. Our English word Erotica is derived from this word. Sadly, some people never get passed this type of love and base their relationships purely on sexual attraction. This is the type of love that merchandisers tend to play on with the public trying to get us to buy their products to make us more attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, aromatherapy is being misrepresented by these same people also to traffic their products. You would be surprised to see how many products are being offered specifically to attract the opposite sex using aroma. Studies have been done trying to prove the theory of attraction through Pheromones based on animal instincts. I personally feel that attraction of a life partner is much more than the basis of his/her smell. In fact, it was impossible for me to fall in love with my fiancй based on smell as we met through ICQ on the Internet. It was impossible for smell to play any part in our meeting. Our relationship was based on character and friendship which later developed into love. You can say we met each other and we just clicked ;-) (pun intended) So, the point is that erotic love is not a deep meaningful love but superficial and based on sexual attractiveness only. 2) Storge: This type of love is what we find in families between the different members. It is the love of mother, father, brothers and sisters. This is a much stronger type of love and involves commitment. “Blood is thicker than water” and most people will do all they can to stand behind their families. 3) Philia: This type of love is pertaining to what we might call a brotherly love. Not brotherly in the sense of family, but in the sense of kinsmenship. This is the type of love that makes us want to help the little old lady cross the street safely and watch out for our fellow man. It is a good type of love and helps us to see others as needing our love but, sadly, it can often also be a selfish love. Many people only show love to others if they can get something out of it.  Thankfully, most people love out of pure motives. 4)Agape: The fourth type of love is called Agape love. This is the highest form of love there is. This is an unconditional love for others in spite of their character flaws and weaknesses. It is a difficult love to obtain simply because we, as humans, are usually concerned more with ourselves and how the world and people around us affect us. In order to love in the agape way, we must overcome our selfishness and look to the needs of others. Prime examples of this type of love are people like Mother Theresa, Cardinal Leger etc. These are people who look out for others interests above their own. It is a special kind of love that needs to be cultivated for it to grow. We can only achieve this type of unselfish loving as we put the needs of others as a priority. Without getting religious here, I just want to tell you there is a verse from the Bible that fits well with this concept. It is called the Golden Rule. Luke 10:27, says “Love your neighbour as yourself” and "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." - Matthew 7:12 . All relgions of the world share in this same philosophy. One thing that stuck out to me as I read these is that it says to love your neighbor as yourself. Sadly, many people in this day and age, don’t love themselves. If you don’t love yourself how can you love others? Unconditional love needs to start with you. You must learn to accept the fact that you are a special and unique person. Yes you have flaws, we are all human, but these flaws do not make you less of a person. Learn to love yourself in spite of your shortcomings and accept yourself for who you are. As you love yourself you will find it easier to love others. The second thing that stands out is that the Golden rule says to do what you want others to do to you. This is not the same as “Don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you.” It is not a position of avoiding doing evil or harming others but an actual DOING of something for others. This requires action on your part. It says “DO unto others”. It is when we realize that we reap the rewards of love as we involve ourselves in the lives of others, making their lives easier and more pleasant, as we would want our own lives to be. Enjoy the month of Love and remember always to love yourself and to DO something for someone each day.

         
    Love me not too much

     

    When you have moved into a deep relationship with somebody, a great need arises to be alone. You start feeling spent, exhausted and tired - joyously tired, happily tired - but each excitement is exhausting. It was tremendously beautiful to relate, but now you would like to move into aloneness, so that you can again gather yourself together, so that again you can overflow with love, so that again you become rooted in your own being. In love, you moved into the other's being and lost contact with yourself. You drowned, you were drunk. Now you will need to find yourself again. But when you are alone, you are again creating a need for love. Soon you will be so full that you would like to share, you will be so overflowing that you would like somebody to pour yourself into. Love arises out of aloneness. Aloneness makes you overfull. Love receives your gifts. Love empties you so that you can become full again. Whenever you are emptied by love, aloneness is there to nourish you, to integrate you. And this is a rhythm. I am bringing you a new message. Remain choicelessly alert in your life, and become intelligent rather than changing circumstances. Change your psychology, become more intelligent. More intelligence is needed to be blissful! And then you can have aloneness together with relationship. Make your woman or your man also alert to rhythm. People should be taught that nobody can love 24 hours a day; rest is needed. And nobody can love on order. Love is a spontaneous phenomenon: whenever it happens, it happens, and whenever it doesn't happen, it doesn't. Nothing can be done about it. If you DO anything, you will create a pseudo phenomenon, an act. Real, intelligent lovers will alert each other to the phenomenon: 'When I want to be alone that doesn't mean that I am rejecting you. In fact, it is because of your love that you have made it possible for me to be alone.' If your woman wants to be left alone for one night, for a few days, you will not feel hurt. You will not say that you have been rejected. You will respect her decision to be alone for a few days. In fact, you will be happy! Your love was so much that she is feeling empty; now she needs rest to become full again. This is intelligence.

         
    Love quiz are your values same as your partner

     

    We all have many faults. All of us are also striving to live by our values. Values such as honesty, loving, compassion, mercy, and others that have been taught to us since our childhood and that we respect drive many of our actions. Unfortunately with the degradation in social values, personal values are also falling. That apart, the discussion is about the values that you respect and the values that your partner respects-are they common? This question and the answer to this question may well decide the future of your relationship. Let me give you an example. Suppose you believe that small lying or cheating to further your cause is not bad and is acceptable to you. Your partner strongly believes that nothing wrong should be ever done. Will this conflict in values not produce a conflict in relationship, because we live by our values? Those who believe in talking liberty with values may not get that hurt, but those who believe in living by their values at every step can not dream of braking their values for anyone. This produces a value conflict. Before entering into any relationship do not get blinded by romantic lovepare your values with those of your prospective partner. If you find a conflict in major values, do not proceed with the relationship. If the major values are matching and conflict is about small parts, you can discuss that with your partner. Values are valuable. They give direction to our life and mould it. respect them before you go into a relationship. Otherwise, you will face big problems ahead. Those who share common values live a wonderful life together.

         
     
         
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