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    Nothing more than feelings

     

    : "How are you Inventing Your Life Today?" – the lead story from my last issue of Power & Presence – drew comments from several readers. Most of the comments went something like: "I wish I could have the degree of control over my life that you apparently do." I want to say, I wish I had the degree of control over my life that it apparently looks like I have. Earlier this summer, several of my 20-something neighbors who live in the apartments next door had a long and lively conversation in their back yard, which lies just beneath our bedroom window – wide open on this particular warmish night. The conversation included beverages of one type or another (I hazarded some guesses), the containers for which, when drained, got thrown (loudly) into a recycle container. These antics took place between 2:30 and 3:30 A. M. I debated for a while whether I should get up, dress, go next door, and have a conversation of my own. After tossing and turning for about 15 minutes, I decided to communicate through my open window. I got up, and – I believe in a fairly centered way – called out: "Quiet, please." They heard me, I think, since their voices quieted a bit. And while the cans continued to go into the recycles, they did so with perhaps a bit less energy. But the damage was done, the horse out of the barn. What were my chances of getting back to sleep? I tossed and turned for another half-hour but couldn't find my way back. I got up, walked the house, muttered oaths to myself, and finally began to notice light dawning and birds chirping around 4:45. I lay down again and dozed intermittently between 5 and 8, and eventually got out of bed to face the day, tired, depleted, and still angry. I remembered my story about "Inventing Your Life," and its theme about the meta-communicator being the padding between my feelings and me. There wasn't much padding after a sleepless night. I talked to my husband. I honored my feelings. I even appreciated my neighbors' cluelessness. I mean they're young adults having a summer outdoor party. Okay, it IS the middle of the night, but I may have done similar stuff at that age. But in spite of my best efforts at reclaiming equanimity, I mostly gave myself a pretty hard time about the fact that I'd written that story. Here I was having FEELINGS. I can help others better manage their emotions, so why couldn't I manage my own? Why couldn't I make them go away? I re-read my story. It helped. I didn't say I wasn't supposed to HAVE feelings, I said I was supposed to be able to be aware enough to notice them and ride their waves. I said I wanted to make behavior choices based on my better instincts instead of acting out the emotion in unconstructive ways. I guessed that I had done that with my partying neighbors. I hadn't been mean-spirited or behaved reactively. "Beyond That" Then I understood that I wasn't upset with my neighbors any more; I was mad at myself for having such strong feelings. Like somehow I was supposed to be "beyond that." Because I teach and write about centering, I should be above these tiresome emotions. In those moments of upset, I comprehended experientially that centering doesn't take emotions away. On the mat of life, as in aikido, the attack will come. It may come from the outside (my noisy neighbors) or the inside (strong feelings). How will I manage the energy? Will I freeze, fight, fall over, or move in toward the energy and use it wisely? I can be centered and upset. I hope, in fact, I am centered when I'm upset. When I'm centered I will hold the emotional energy differently. In time, as they always do, the feelings died down and transformed, much like the thunderstorm that also passed through that night. By afternoon I was on the actual aikido mat and back to feelings I enjoy having in my body. "Inventing Your Life" is pretty accurate. The option to have or not have feelings is not under my control (at least not yet). The ones I had that night and early morning were not pleasant or wanted, and I could not MAKE them go away. All I could do was sit with them, watch them move through body, mind, and spirit, talk about them to caring friends, and care for myself while I was having them. Soon I will be laughing about that night. (I already am.) And soon I will have a longer conversation with my neighbors – in the daylight, when we're all centered, open to dialogue, and able to talk about how we want to live next door to one another. Center does not equal an absence of emotion. Center equals presence with emotion. I am not a bad person because I have strong feelings. Feelings just are; they can in fact control us, or with some watching, waiting and positive intention, we can engage and direct their energy with awareness and purpose.

         
    Occupational stress management

     

    There are many people in the world who can not stand where they work. Their occupation causes them no end of stress and can leave them struggling to get to sleep at night. There are also many days taken off sick through stress related illnesses. It is now time for people to deal with these issues and to start to react in a more positive and proactive way. In the past I have worked for companies whose employees have made my life unbearable. These so called colleagues were very bitchy, hanged around in various clans and would stab people in the back at regular intervals. At times I would even dread going to work and would feel sick whilst travelling to my office. I would return home feeling very drained and would have little energy to do anything in the evenings. I would then decide to go to bed early but would basically just lay their worrying about the next day. This could last for hours on end and at times would last all of the night. I have read that plenty of sleep is a good way at reducing levels of stress, the question is, how does one get to sleep in the first place? When I did have the energy to socialise with family or friends, the fear of going to work would end up ruining the night and would stop me from enjoying myself. I felt sorry for the people I was with and hoped that I did not ruin their night as well. For whatever reason I did not have the confidence to tell people about the problems I had and kept it bottled up to myself. This I now realise was a mistake and I have since learnt to talk about any issues that I have. For all the stress I had to endure, I certainly was not paid enough. The people who I worked with, including the team leaders, did not treat me with as much respect as I felt I deserved. This period was a very unhappy stage of my life and my health started to become affected. I wanted to leave this company a lot earlier than the time that I eventually did, the problem was that I did not feel that I could afford to. I decided to save up enough money over a period of about six months so that I could then make my escape. At the same time I started to look at finding alternative work and thought long and hard about which career path I wanted to take. On the day that I left this job, I will never forget my journey home. I could not stop smiling, I was so relieved that this nightmare was over once and for all. I am happy to let you know that I have not found myself in a similar situation since. There may well be a time in the future of course when I do and if this ever happens to me again I am determined to leave a lot quicker than I did before. Life is to short to spend living in the way that I had.

         
    Optimists hope for more and aren t thrown by less

     

    These are changing and challenging times. Life is difficult and setbacks are common in the great game of business and in life. Every person has a choice about the attitude they bring to their day and the actions they make. Those who will prosper must develop flexible optimism, resourcefulness, and persistence in the face of adversity and constant change. Unfortunately, far too many are falling victim to the depression of our age, learned helplessness — "Nothing I can do is going to make any difference in what happens to me, so why try?" By controlling your attitudes and habits you too can alter your life and influence others you live and work with. Here are fifteen practical tips to claim your own optimism advantage in bouncing back from any setback or disaster. 1. Nurture perspective and an appreciation for the healing power of time. One of Abraham Lincoln's favorite quotes was: "This too shall pass." Because we tend to think that our reactions to bad events will never fade, we also tend to feel especially good when we recover from trauma with unexpected speed. Don't underestimate your own powers of recuperation from emotional trauma. None of us will ever forget the horror of September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, but we now look back with a calmer perspective only time can provide. 2. Dispute catastrophic thoughts by checking fears against the facts. Optimism can be learned. Recognize that people often have catastrophic thoughts—feelings that everything is wrong and that nothing is going to change. Think of these thoughts as if they are being said by some external enemy whose mission in life is to make you miserable. Then dispute those thoughts. Try using cold, impersonal facts to maintain a reality-based perspective. If you struggle with the fear of flying, you note that the National Safety Council reports that you're 37 times more likely to die, mile for mile, in a vehicle crash than on a commercial airline. 3. Avoid victim thinking and seize the day as a survivor. As long as you are alive, you always have options. Survivors make the best of the options they have while victims whine about how few they have. There is never nothing you can do, the only question is whether a given action will work and if committed action is worth the investment of the time required to achieve the desired results. Survivors keep making choices one day at a time. 4. Control what you can—position, perform and persist. Security is not a fact; it is a feeling—a feeling that you can control what you do. You don't control all events that happen, but you do control your response to events. You don't control the cards you are dealt in life, but you can learn how to play even a poor hand well. Appreciate the words of Reinhold Niebuhr: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Get busy changing what you can—starting with your own attitude. 5. Move from analysis paralysis into action. Cultivate a continual sense of adventure that searches for and takes advantage of every opportunity. Failure to act doesn't prevent failure it just turns life into slow death. As Yogi Berra would say, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." 6. Master the strategic skills you need to invent the future. The age of lifelong employment is over. You become an old dog when you stop doing new and improved tricks. Invest 5% of your time in education to stay a recyclable asset. If you hate your job, raise that to 10%. Search for what you enjoy and have the gifts to do. Bouncing back with optimism is easier when you have a job that gives you passion, fulfillment, and energy. 7. Manage your motivation by catching yourself being effective. You are probably tougher on yourself than on any other person. Instead of taking yourself for granted, love yourself the way you love others you care about. If you are not catching yourself being effective, you may be winning and not know it because you're not keeping score. Ask yourself daily, "What did I do today that made a difference?" Use your calendar to write down one success every day. 8. See mistakes as valued lessons on the way to success. Life is like a moving vehicle with no brakes; if you spend too much time in the rearview mirror, you may hit a tree out the front window. Keep your rearview mirror smaller than your front window by using self-criticism as course correction feedback on the road to success. Identify what was done wrong, but put your focus on the future: What are you going to do to rectify the problem? How will you handle it next time? 9. Persevere in reframing difficulties and downturns into strategic opportunities. Flexible optimists persevere even in the presence of obstacles and negative outcomes. They perceive failures as temporary setbacks, rather than final verdicts. What you think when things go wrong determines whether you give up or whether you get busy overcoming the problem. Victors say to themselves, "I'm going to figure out how to become successful one way or another." Victims say, "I'll never be able to succeed." 10. Build an expectation of success through persistent hard work and invest your worry time in constructive action. Hunt for the silver lining. A crisis can be a time to reinvent a business, to cut costs that are not adding value, and to reinforce and strengthen customer ties. 11. Relationships are critical in times of crisis. Learn to accept support from others; you don't have to go it alone. The tragedy of life is that the people you most want to spend time with you have to schedule time to even see. The people you least want to be with will find you wherever you are. Spend time with other optimistic and resourceful friends. Mark Twain said it well: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." The company you keep can bring you up or bring you down. Pick your friends and associates wisely. 12. Balance working and living smart by making time for your family. Research shows that time spent with supportive families, friends and faith communities can help people find strength and comfort. People look at their priorities differently after a personal crisis. Make dates and buy a few tickets! When you've paid for theater tickets or a sporting event, you find a way to get everything done so that you can go no matter what work demands appear. In fact, have tickets every day and be willing to give them up only when unexpected job or life demands require it. 13. To maintain a positive attitude, take your health habits seriously in difficult times. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and include daily stress breaks in your day. Maintaining your health habits can do wonders to help you sustain your optimism and manage your increased stress levels. 14. Find the power of purpose and serving others. Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "The one who has a why to live can bear with almost any how." There is passion in being fully engaged in a meaningful mission and in doing your share of random acts of kindness. You make a difference for yourself when you make a difference for others. Faith, values and integrity are back in. People of faith tend not live in fear, but find peace in faith. Core values help direct your choices. They are both your anchor in the rough sea and the lighthouse that helps illuminate a positive and principled course in uncertain times. Honor is a gift you give yourself. 15. Use your sense of humor to regain perspective. Don't go through your life with your face in "park ". Humor provides perspective that breaks the stress cycle and invites a more positive attitude. If you know that some day you will laugh at a problem, don't wait—laugh as quickly as you can! Take your job and life seriously, but yourself lightly. Never forget that some days you're the bug, and some days you're the windshield. That's a perspective worth remembering in these challenging times. Finally, experience the power of gratitude. Unrealistic expectations are a sure road to disappointment. Optimists hope for more, but are not thrown by less. Start counting your blessings instead of your problems. Choose to be happy unless something happens to change that feeling, instead of being unhappy until something makes you happy. End the day by identifying five things for which you are grateful. In fact, you can start by being grateful that you found this article!

         
    Practicing staying present to the now

     

    Transformational Counseling is about assisting others to transform their life. Transformational Counseling is a process of assisting others to learn how to let go of the past and live fully in the present. To live fully in the present is to become awaken to what is truly real and to our own natural power. Much of our life is spent living in the past, and in the process, attempting to fix it, to make it something that it is or was not. It is from living in the past that we also attempt to create our future, the result always being a living of life as it was in the past. Transformation takes place when we learn to exist in and be present to the Now. The practice of staying present to our natural power and to that which is real is becoming conscious to what is so, to the Now, to the present. What is so, the Now, has no meaning and exists outside of thought and language. As human beings we tend to give meaning to everything, including other people, ourselves and even life itself. It is in our meaning making that we leave the present and create our life from the past, a life that can be filled with a great deal of anxiety, fear and stress. What is so merely exists and it is in the experience of the Now that we begin to live a life of power and freedom, a life and way of being free from our past. A specific technique that is very powerful for practicing staying present to the Now is meditation. It is in meditation that one creates the space to experience a very deep state of relaxation, a state that is very healing to both the mind and body. As we know, in meditation ones metabolism slows down, including heart rate and blood pressure. The consistent practice of meditation will reduce anxiety and stress. For some the practice of meditation allows them to access true Being. For others it is way of reconnecting to the Spirit within us. It is in the consistent practice of meditation that the subject and object distinction inherent in language, thought and meaning making collapses thereby resulting in our access to the present, to the Now. The meditative process can be enhanced by the use of therapeutic relaxation music. Music has always been a very powerful modality for promoting a very deep state of relaxation and even healings. I have found that musical compositions that are harmonically slow, repetitious, with sustained voices, which are rhythmically, random in tempo assists an individual in experiencing a very deep state of relaxation. A second important component of the use of therapeutic relaxation music is the use of binaural audio tones that have been interwoven into the music. The binaural tones, through a process referred to as entrainment or frequency following, gently guides or directs the mind/body to generate more of the targeted frequency of brain wave activity for an even more profound state of relaxation. The meditative process of practicing staying present to the Now is as follows: 1. Take a comfortable position in an upright sitting position. 2. Allow your legs and arms to be open. 3. Allow your eyes to focus upon a chosen object. The chosen object could be a candle light in a darkened room or any point that you choose. 4. As you focus on the chosen object, allow your muscles to slowly relax from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. 5. Take three slow deep breathes in through your nose as you inhale. Hold each breath to the mental count of four. Slowly exhale each breath out through your mouth. Continue to breath at a slow pace after the three breaths. 6. Continue to focus on the chosen object. When your mind wanders to some thought or thoughts slowly and gently bring it back to your focused concentration upon the chosen object. Simply let go of the thoughts that arise. The thoughts are from the past. Stay focused to what is so. 7. Continue the practice for a prescribed period of time and then go about your daily activities. Each day that you practice you may even choose to lengthen the time you spend with this technique. The ability to stay in the present, to access the Now, can be enhanced with the consistent practice of meditation. What this will necessitate is one making the practice of meditation apart of his or her daily schedule. With the consistent practice of meditation one will also create the ability to stay even more present to what is so even when not actively engaged in the meditative process. It is through a commitment to the practice of meditation on a daily basis that one will begin to live more fully in the Now. Harry Henshaw, Ed. D., LMHC enhancedhealing

         
    Quiz are you an expert at fighting stress

     

    Stress is becoming pervasive in modern life. We are now finding that stress causes many diseases that can affect our life style. Stress damages our mental peace and physical fitness. Quiz yourself and find out if you are an expert at fighting stress. Stress will always be there - To hope that stress can be avoided in modern life is difficult. All of us face stress in our life. The difference may be in quality of stress and our response to it. We can work on both of these and reduce stress substantially. Quiz your stress level - please find out how much stress you face everyday. Is your stress level equal to what others are facing or more or less? You can do this by talking to few friends and co-workers. If you find that your work itself causes a high level of stress, you can always consider a job change. High stress over a period of years is not good. Please quiz yourself about this and find a way to reduce the stress you face. Quiz your stress fighting ability - how you fight stress is very important. Do you get scared of the stress or face it squarely and fight it off. Write down all kinds of stresses you are facing and your responses to them. Find out if your response is of good quality? Develop methods to fight the stress and bring changes in your response to stress. Evaluate yourself over a period and make changes if needed.

         
    Quiz your anger

     

    Anger is one of the most common emotions. Most of us get angry . some of us get angry at the smallest provocation, while for some others it takes more. Some of us keep our anger with us and seethe with that while others may release it immediately. Anger over what was done wrong with us is the most damaging emotion. It tires us very fast. Any betrayal can give rise to anger that can go out of control. Even the memory can evoke same intensity of anger. I know of one person whose sweetheart ditched her. She was extremely hurt and angry. The thought itself was overwhelming. One day she saw the photograph of her sweetheart with his new love. The pain of anger and helpless frustration was unbearable and medical help was called. After that whenever she got the memory of that photograph, she used to imagine two very dirty dogs in that picture. The anger remains, but that photograph does not hurt as much. Why do you get angry? When do you get angry? Your anger lasts for how much time? Are their any triggers that ignite your anger? Analyze them carefully. If possible, write down about your anger and think about itpare your anger reaction with others if possible. Find out all about your anger personality. Avoid the triggers. Avoid people who make you agree. Avoid thoughts that ignite anger. Save yourself from your anger.

         
    Recovery from addictions part 1

     

    (This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction). Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms: SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar, carbohydrates. PROCESS ADDICTIONS: addiction to love, connection, caretaking, anger, resistance, withdrawal, and to activities such as: • TV • Computer/internet • Busyness • Gossiping • Sports • Exercise • Sleep • Work • Making money • Spending money • Gambling • Sex, masturbation, pornography • Shopping • Accumulating things • Worry • Obsessive thinking (ruminating) • Self-criticism • Talking a lot • Talking on the telephone a lot • Reading • Gathering information (if only I know enough I will feel safe) • Meditation • Religion • Crime • Danger • Cutting themselves • Glamour, beautifying We can use anything as a way of avoiding feelings and avoiding taking responsibility for our painful feelings. Whenever we engage in an activity with the intention of avoiding our feelings, we are using that activity as an addiction. We can watch TV to relax and enjoy our favorite programs, or we can watch TV to avoid our feelings. We can meditate to connect with Spirit and center ourselves, or we can meditate to bliss out and avoid responsibility for our feelings. We can read to enjoy and learn, or read to escape. Anything can be an addiction, depending upon our intention. For example, when your intention is to take loving care of yourself and your work is something you really enjoy, then working is not being used as an addiction. But when the intent is to get approval or avoid painful feelings, then work is being used as an addiction. The same is true for most of the above behaviors – they can be addictions or not, depending upon your intent. All of us have a wounded part of us – our wounded self or ego self – that has been programmed with many false beliefs through our growing-up years. There are four common false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can’t handle my pain. 2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are my source of love. 4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. I CAN’T HANDLE MY PAIN While this was true when we were small, it is not true as adults, yet many people operate as if it is true. When you believe that you are incapable of handling pain – especially the deep pain of loneliness and helplessness – then you will find many addictive ways to avoid feeling your pain. All of us are capable of learning how to manage painful feelings in ways that support our highest good, rather behaving in addictive ways that hurt us. Anything you do to avoid taking responsibility for managing your pain is self-abandonment, which creates even more pain - the deep pain of aloneness. Whether you abandon yourself to substances, processes or people, your inner child – which is your feeling self - will feel abandoned by your choice to avoid responsibility for your feelings. If you had an actual child who was in pain, and you got drunk instead of being there for that child, he or she would be in even more pain from the abandonment. It is exactly the same on the inner level. Addictive behavior is an abandonment of self and causes the very pain you are trying to avoid. I AM UNWORTHY AND UNLOVABLE When you did not receive the love you needed as a small child, you might have concluded that the reason you were not loved was because you were bad, flawed, defective, unworthy, unlovable, or unimportant. This is core shame – the false belief that there is essentially something wrong with you. When you adopt this belief, you become cut off from your Source, believing that you are unworthy of being loved by a Higher Power. OTHERS ARE MY SOURCE OF LOVE You will become addicted to attention, approval, love, sex, or connection when you believe that another person needs to be your dependable source of love. In this case, you will be abandoning your inner child to another person, which causes as much pain as abandoning yourself to a substance. Until you learn to tap into a Higher Power as your source of love, you will continue to be addicted to people as your source of love. I CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER HOW OTHERS FEEL ABOUT ME AND TREAT ME If you believe you can control others’ feelings and behavior, you will become addicted to various ways of trying to control, such as anger, judgment, blame, or people-pleasing. When you believe you can’t handle your pain and that others are your source of love, then you want control over getting that love. This is the cause of the codependency that underlies most relationship problems. There is a way to heal from addictions. The rest of the articles in this series will address the process of recovery from addictions.

         
    Reduce stress before exams

     

    At the beginning of your term you give yourself a promise to study hard and succeed in whatever you have planned. But things just happen to distract you from doing serious tasks and you start postponing: till next day, till next weekend, till next month, year and so on. You start getting interested in the present day only, your nearest future stops being your concern and you live happily and spend your days having fun with your friends. Every weekday you come to university and peacefully sit there, not concentrating on what your lecturer says. Suddenly a word “exam” appears in this monologue and you become very interested in it. While your tutor is talking, you feel a strange feeling tickling you in your belly and it doesn’t stop even when you have a break for lunch. This is the first sign of getting worried. It is not a top secret that people, both tutors and students become stressed out before exam. This is a dangerous state of organism that may hurt others that are around. Here is some practical piece of advice for those who are tired of this feeling but can’t help having it. What is the reason of stress? When thinking about exams you worry about not passing it. If you have not enough knowledge on the topic, you will fail and have to take the course again. It is the fear to fail that makes us so nervous and stressed. Having not enough knowledge is not a problem for the one who is willing to study. Start your preparation from the first class. If you listen attentively, take notes, complete the assignments on time, you will not have to sit days and nights before exam and worry about some part of information that you’ve missed. A slight revision would be enough to refresh your memory. If you have problems with your assignment writing you can perform a custom term paper order and be a hundred percent sure that everything will be fine. You can order custom term paper that will be written on a high level with creative approach and duly completed on time. That will leave you some time for yourself and maybe your studies if it is a way you use your free time. And here is one more thing. If you failed to do the above mentioned and still feel that horrible strain, there is one more advice. Cheating will not help you on your exam and in your future life. It is you that is cheated, not your tutors. The best way is to be honest with the examiner. Don’t lose your face when answering; you have to stay focused every second. Nobody has died of passing an exam yet and hopefully nobody will. Teacher’s aim is to teach you, not to fail you at your exam, because students are a credit to a teacher. If you still need some time to learn and study more, do it systematically, not chaotically and everything will be alright and you’ll go home on vacation a happy person with good news to you parents.

         
    Reduce your stress your children are waiting

     

    Mothers are expected to possess huge hearts, big shoulders, a minimum of 3 hands, all the answers and the list goes on! What many mothers forget is they are not born with super hero powers to handle all of those things at once. Mom=Stress. It’s a fact of life. Reducing stress is of the utmost importance to everyone, but especially mothers. You know stress can lead to depression, heart disease, and an unhealthy mom. Did you also know your stress, if not handled correctly, can have a negative impact on your children too? The most important things in a mother’s life, her children, are also the most influential. Children are sponges and everything Mom does they will, at some point in time in their lives, mimic. If children see their mother constantly stressed out, they will be more inclined to follow those patterns. What you do today can determine the kind of life your child will lead tomorrow, including how you make it a point to reduce stressful situations. Mothers tend to overload themselves, which in turn overloads their children. Adults move at a much faster pace and their bodies are more adept to handle the speed of life. Children, on the other hand, are not able to function this way, which can lead to developmental and behavior problems in the long run if constantly pushed to keep up with an adult’s quicker pace. Studies have shown a mother who is under excessive amounts of stress will hand out harsher punishments than one who is not. Prolonged stress can cause a mother to get to the point that she feels overwhelmed and will not stop to think before handing down discipline. This type of behavior teaches children it is ok to let your mood control your life as a parent Children need to feel a sense of security and know that their mom is there to help them work through and understand the stressful times in their lives. If children are not taught what stress is and why it is a part of their lives, they will never learn how to reduce it, therefore leading them down a path of unhappiness and unhealthy choices. Give them the tools early about how to deal with stress and more importantly, how to reduce the amount of stress that occurs in their lives. There is no one who lives an entirely stress free life. In fact, you shouldn’t want your children to have a life with absolutely no stress. The day will come that a stressful situation occurs and they will have no idea how to cope with it, which is cause for an extremely negative outcome. As a mother you must show your children that stress does not have to control your life. Mother’s have a tendency to try and do it all; even when they know they are not capable. STOP! Make a point, each day, to reduce your stress levels. Eliminating just one stressful situation can make a world of difference in the way you feel and how your children handle stress as adults.

         
    Relax watch sunsets

     

    Stress, the word that has become the enemy of millions around the world. So many of us are stressed all the while. Every small decision creates stress. Every small change creates stress. Even a kid going to primary school faces stress now a days. Rather one must try and find out what does not cause stress. How to fight stress? How to relax and live normally for some time during the day? These are the questions most of us ask. Sleep fights stress to some extent, but many people get up in the morning feeling tired. All because of the accumulated stress. New therapies and new ways are being found and sold everyday to fight stress, so much so that fighting stress has become a billion dollar industry. Let us go back to our ancestors. Were they stressed? They went out in the mornings to hunt and returned in the evenings to enjoy a very peaceful sleep. Why? Because they lived with the nature. Can we try something like that? We certainly can not go and stay in the jungles like our ancestors, so let us find something from their life that can help us fight stress. The sun, the life giver for all of us. Without sun there would be no life on our earth. And the sun is very punctual. It rises and sets at the time it is supposed to. It has no change in moods that can postpone its work. That is the beauty of the sun. Watch the sun setting. After the day of tiredness, sit and watch the sun set. Slowly the sun will set and the night will engulf all of us. Watch the changing colors of the sky, the scattering light from the clouds and the sun setting, slowly. Suddenly you will find that the sun has set and the night has arrived. The sun will rise again tomorrow. But today's evening will give you a lot to relax and wonder about the mysteries and beauties of nature. Fight stress watching the sun set. Stress is bad, because it stops us deriving any joy from life. It stops us to watch and enjoy the flowers, the butterflies, the stars and the birds. It stops us in spending quality time with friends and family. Fight stress and live a happy and relaxed life.

         
    Relieve stress 3 tips to help you relieve stress

     

    Do you feel you need to relieve stress? If you are living a life with many things going on such as a challenging job, parenting or struggling relationship, then you may have bouts with stress once in a while. Once in a while we find ourselves that we have to relieve stress. Constant stress can decrease your health and the quality of your productivity. Stress affects many of us during our lifetimes and it’s just a fact of life. Here are some tips to relieve stress. Start Writing One way to relieve stress is to keep a journal or write down your feelings. I prefer to write down my feelings on a piece of paper and then shred it. It’s great because you may not want to share your problems with others. Believe it or not, many people may not know exactly what is causing them stress in their lives. To find out try brainstorming your thoughts and write it down. You may notice you are focusing on a particular subject that may be the source of your stress. Furthermore, you may be surprised what is causing your stress. You may actually relieve stress after you try this approach. Hopefully, you’ll be able to pinpoint what is bothering you and you’ll start thinking about dealing with it effectively. Schedule Time to Relax If this idea sounds silly to you to relieve stress, then it’s time to consider it. Think about it, we schedule waking up, commuting time, lunch time, our kid’s lives, fantasy base ball drafts, holiday dinners and every other little aspect in our lives. Take a moment and try schedule a block of time just for you. To effectively make use of this time to relieve stress, make sure you set ground rules. For example, I make it a rule not check email or answer my cell phone. This time should be considered a well deserved break from the challenges and aggravation you face during the week. In fact, you may just want to take this time to just think. Start Exercising This is my favorite tip to relieve stress. Exercise can be safe haven for you (if you do it right). I exercise daily and it’s great because I focused only on my work out. I highly recommend you start your own exercise program. As you can probably guess, exercise will help you with many issues. Not only will it reduce stress, it will also increase your health. Exercise may actually help you handle stressful situations even better. If you do consider exercise as a way to relieve stress, then you should see your doctor first. You doctor can make sure you can exercise and maybe provide pointers on how to get started. Your exercise program should consist of a combination of weight training and aerobic exercise. When starting any exercise program you should always start off with very light work outs so you can evaluate your fitness level. If you’re weight training use very light weights. Start with walking for your aerobic workouts. You can always work your way up as you get stronger. To learn how you can relieve stress may be a beneficial skill to learn for your overall health. Stress can cause a lot of aggravation pain in your life (if you don’t deal with it). In fact stress can be so bad that it holds us back from our full potential. Even though we live in a challenging world, learning to relieve stress will help in the long run.

         
    Sanity savers for a stress free environment

     

    : Email

  • Only check your emails twice a day – don’t respond each time you receive an email it wastes too much time!
  • Set up folders for your inbox so you can ‘electronically’ file your emails when you have completed them.
  • Set up rules within your email so messages are automatically filed for you to read later.
  • Use colour coding so you can quickly glance over your inbox and see which messages are important.
  • When you have read an email and actioned it – delete it.
  • Remove yourself from ezines or electronic newsletters you don’t read.
  • Set up spam filters on your email.
  • Create an email signature with your contact information so it automatically sends your details with your email.
  • Leave an ‘out of office’ message if you are away from your desk for more than 24 hours.
  • Phone Calls
  • Record a voicemail to notify callers you will call back within 24 hours.
  • If you are busy all day, change your voicemail message to let callers know you will call them back the next day.
  • Include your email address in your voicemail for all phones so people can email you instead of leaving a message.
  • Avoid calling businesses between 10 AM – 2 PM as people are in meetings or at lunch.
  • Turn off your mobile phone if you are working on an important project.
  • Divert your desk phone to your mobile if you leave the office to avoid checking two voicemail systems.
  • Use the lift as your guide for turning your mobile on and off. When you are getting into a lift for a meeting, turn your phone off. When you leave the meeting to return to the foyer – turn your mobile on. This avoids the embarrassment of your phone ringing in an important meeting.
  • Filing
  • If you hate filing, allocate 15 minutes to do your filing every Friday afternoon. Whatever is left over can wait until the following Friday.
  • Label the outside of filing cabinets for quick reference.
  • File your manila folders in drawer alphabetically to help you find things quickly.
  • Use a label maker to keep your files tidy and easy to read.
  • Use coloured manila folders for different projects i. e. blue for staff, purple for projects, pink for personal etc.
  • Desk Management
  • Get rid of your in-tray – it is a holding area for paper. If you have to have one, put it out of your line of sight so you don’t get distracted looking at it all day.
  • ·
  • Remove all unnecessary files and paper off your desk to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
  • Keep your desk clear so you can focus on the task in front of you.
  • Reading
  • Create a reading file and every journal and ‘FYI’ document you receive, pop in the file and read once a week.
  • If you catch public transport to work carry your reading file with you so you can maximise your travel time.
  • General
  • Get a cleaner for your house – pay someone else so you can enjoy your weekends.
  • Use couriers for odd jobs instead of spending your time driving and parking.
  • Order groceries and fruit online and have them delivered.
  • Stick a ‘No Junk Mail’ sign on your letterbox to avoid rubbish.
  • Open your mail over a bin so you can toss what you don’t need
  • Read your mail with a pen and make note on each document what action is required.
  • Pay your bills online to avoid cues and wasting your lunch times.
  •      
    Say goodnight to insomnia

     

    Do you sometimes feel that you have sleep deprivation? Is the quality of your sleep what it should be or do you wake up feeling tired and lacking energy? In addition, do you have trouble concentrating and just not feeling up to par the rest of the day? According to the World Health Organization, one third of the world's population experience insomnia at some point in their life. Of that one third, about five per cent need medical treatment. Below are natural techniques and remedies that can help you sleep without the aid of medical intervention. Before going to bed, take the time to just sit and relax. Listed to some soft music, and do some deep breathing exercises. It is also best to avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine. Developing a bedtime routine every evening will eventually associate the routine with sleep. For instance, you could start with a cup of hot milk every evening and a warm bath. Milk contains a protein called tryptophan, which helps to promote sleep. A warm bath or shower will lower your internal body temperature again telling your body that it is time for sleep. If hot milk is not for you, try chamomile tea, which is known to calm the nerves. Watching TV, reading and eating in your bedroom does not promote sleep, thus your body will not associate your bedroom with sleep. Your bedroom should be dark and cozy room that makes you feel secure and comfortable. The bedroom should make you crave sleep. It is difficult to sleep when you mind is full of things that you have to do tomorrow. In order to alleviate this, write a to-do list for the next day. Organize your clothes for the morning and prepare lunches the night before. Consider making your appointments a little later in the day if you have a tendency to worry about getting up in the morning. Many of us have anxieties and regrets or events from the past that may still haunt us. Issues such as these affect are sleeping patterns. Whatever the issues are, today might be a good time to finally set things straight; forgive that person, forgive yourself, give back that item, start talking to that family member again (or even make that appointment to see a psychologist if necessary). In addition, you can organize your life and chores, thus making the time for a good nights sleep. For instance, make one large supper and freeze half for another day, spot clean the house and pick up daily before it becomes a large task, plan a menu for the week thus alleviating the frustration of what to cook for supper every night. You owe it to your health and those around you to get a good night sleep. With a little bit of planning and routine, you will get to bed earlier and get the sleep you need. As always, a balanced diet makes a balanced mind. While you are planning your menus for the week take into account that the meals you are preparing have the essential vitamins and minerals. Next, throw away all the junk food, pop and other foods that are loaded with calories but offer no nutritional value. Throw in a little exercise and your insomnia will gradually fade away with an improved mind and body. If you cannot sleep, then get up. Laying in bed worrying that you cannot fall asleep will only make it worse. Get up, go into a different room, and do something to distract yourself until you feel sleepy. Many medications will interfere with your sleep. Check with your doctor if you are experiencing insomnia and are also taking any of these medications - amphetamines (diet pills), antidepressants, beta blockers (heart and blood pressure), cimetidine (ulcers), clonidine (blood pressure), cortisone, diuretics (fluid), levodopa (parkinsons), methyldopa (blood pressure) and ventolin (asthma). Stress is above all the worst cause of insomnia. By using the techniques above you can reduce stress and say goodbye to insomnia.

         
    Self judgment versus self compassion

     

    IMPORTANT – Publication and Reprint Terms The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Please ask permission if you want to publish this article in print. Commercial use of this article is not allowed, nor are you allowed to post or reprint this article in any sites or publications that contain or support hate, violence, porn, or on any sites or publications that are indecent or illegal. Do no use this article in UCE (Unsolicited Commercial Email) or SPAM. This article must be distributed in opt-in email only. Title: Self-Judgment Versus Self-Compassion Author: Margaret Paul, Ph. D. E-mail: mailto:[email protected] Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul URL: innerbonding Word Count: 635 Category: Self Improvement Self-Judgment Versus Self-Compassion By Margaret Paul, Ph. D. We hear a lot about how important it is to be compassionate toward others, and it is very important. The problem is that you may not be able to really feel compassion toward others until you are able to feel compassionate toward yourself. In the 37 years that I’ve been doing counseling, I’ve discovered that the most common underlying cause of anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and relationship problems is self-judgment. The most prevalent self-judgment is: “I’m not good enough.” There are many variations to this core shame belief: “I’m not lovable.” “I’m unworthy.” “I’m flawed.” “I’m not important.” “I’m bad.” “I’m a failure.” “I’m stupid.” “I’m not okay.” “I’m not enough.” However you phrase it, it is saying the same thing. It is a profound judgment against who you really are. And it is the opposite of self-compassion. The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior – that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others. If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs that are causing our pain. What is your first response when someone blames you for something? Do you judge yourself or judge the other person, or both? What happens when you judge yourself or the other person? The chances are that the interaction is not a healthy one. What would happen if, when someone blames you for something, you opened to compassion for your feelings of being blamed? Let’s take an example of how different an interaction would be with self-compassion rather than self-judgment. In the following interaction, John attacks Mary for being over-drawn in their checking account. In the first example, Mary goes into self-judgment. In the second example, Mary goes into self-compassion. John: Mary, we are overdrawn in our account again because you forgot to enter some of the checks. What is the matter with you? Are you stupid? Mary: (thinks to herself, “I’m stupid. I can never do anything right.” Then she defends herself and attacks John). I just forgot. What’s the big deal? I’ve been too busy taking care of your stuff. If you would do more around the house, I wouldn’t forget things like that. John and Mary end up in a fight. John: Mary, we are overdrawn in our account again because you forgot to enter some of the checks. What is the matter with you? Are you stupid? Mary: (Mary tunes into how badly it feels to be attacked by John. She has compassion for her own feelings of sadness and loneliness at being attacked by someone whose love is important to her). John, this feels awful inside. My stomach hurts when you attack me like this. I’m willing to talk with you about the checkbook, but not when you are attacking me. Please let me know when you are ready to talk with me about this without blaming me. Because Mary moved into compassion for her own feelings, she was able to respond to John in a way that was loving to herself and to him. Moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion takes much practice. Most of us have been practicing self-judgment for so long that it has become our automatic way of being. It takes much consciousness to move into self-compassion, but with practice you can move out of your automatic judgmental thought and into a conscious compassionate thought. This one change in your thinking will create huge positive changes in your life!

         
    Self management to stop stress

     

    Not enough time, boss pushing for work to be completed, children are annoying you, bills to pay, shopping to be done, housework to do, partner asking for your help... Does this seem like a familiar scenario in your life? Stress is always with us controlling what we do and how we feel. If you're stressed you do things faster and in an unhappier way. You either become aggressive towards other people as a form of releasing the stress or you become submissive by hiding the stress. By being submissive and hiding your stress, it internally eats at you hurting your emotions and your relationships. By being aggressive towards another person, you temporarily feel relief, but then reality kicks in as you feel more stressed from hurting the other person. You need to learn ways to manage your stress and not let it get the better of you and the people around you. Stress motivates us to take action but it too often works against us. I've come up with the best ways and techniques to manage stress: 1) Leave others alone - If the other person is not involved, leave them alone. It is so tempting to release your stress on other people. Do not treat people inappropriately. By treating them the way they do not want to be treated, you build up their stress which they will be happy to put back on you. If someone is causing stress, you need to address the person explaining to them how you feel, why you feel that way, and what can be done to solve the problem. 2) Responsiblity - When you take responsibility, you live in truth. You do not become a victim of others. You begin to control and create your feelings. You stop blaming others for what has happened to you and you become proactive controlling thoughts, feelings, and stresses. By accepting responsibility as way of managing stress, you begin self-control. 3) Stop worrying - worrying is extremely dangerous for your health. By worrying you increase the chances of having a heart-attack and you become miserable which damages your relationships. Worrying is about anticipating what's to come and doing nothing about it. If you did do something in anticipation of the future, you would then be planning and not worrying. You try to think what will happen in the near future, but nothing more then unnecessary thoughts occur. "What if..." "What will happen..." . STOP LIVING IN THE FUTURE and think about what you can fully control now. That is, think about today! 4) Self-control - You are in complete control of your emotions. Its learning to manage your mind that you correctly manage your stress. This is where your self discipline kicks in. Other people do not have access to your mind unless you give them the authorisation. You have complete control of your emotions and actions. However, you're ability to be in control of your emotions and actions is dependent on your desire, discipline, and skill set. 5) Self understanding - You need to manage yourself and control your emotions. You need to be aware if you are treating a person in an appropriate way because of the stress. You need to know that you are stressed, why you are stressed, and ways to manage the stress. 6) Don't stay still - When feeling down, it is easy to throw in the towel and give up. Winston Churchill said "If you are going through hell, keep going." Don't stop and give up. I encourage you to stop, relax, and be smart, but do not lose the perserverance to keep going. If you are going through a bad patch in life, by stopping there you remain in the bad patch. 7) Get away - You may just need to go away for a bit to refresh your mind. If you can afford a holiday, go for it! For those who can't do that, go for a walk or work-out. By being active you release hormones that counteract stress. Also, by being away from the stress it clears your mind by taking it away from the problem. Stress is not meant to make us miserable. We are given the ability to produce stress to complete tasks otherwise we would be sitting on our lazy backsides. Learn these ways to manage your stress, and you'll have stress working for you and not you for it.

         
     
         
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